So did you guys catch it... like, 4 days ago,

when I got so drunk listening to free internet music I just started throwing up Empire State of Mind lyrics on here?

Well I'm about that drunk now -but party here tomorrow - so have a lot of coffee and cleaning to do as early as possible.

love

Lily Allen

Fuckloads of diamonds.

:)

Porn Star Nails

Believe it or not I have a million things to do ("believe it or not" given that I just had the whole of xmas break to myself -- the weather was horrendous. :) )

Porn Star nails refers to spending this afternoon throwing down at the nail place. I'm talking spa pedicure, french manicure, eyebrows & lip wax, 50 minute massage. I said thick white line. Porn star nails. People, at this point, I am from Queens.

I need to go to Borders. I think the only location is by Penn station but I should research that before using tomorrows lunch - I'll buy one LSAT book and.... and... something good.

So much work to be done on the house.

When bored at work doing 12th floor reception I should look at STARama: the airplane flattens your drama.

At any rate there is a geneeral gameplan of chardonnay. XO

XOXO

X
A

Woof

The weather is horrendous. I had big designs on today and the weather is just too yuck for any of it. I should take a look at my airplane play.

I'm alone for Christmas. What a drag. This happens a lot. It's a little more irking than regular alone time of which I am the grand princess just because I don't know anyone else who is doing it. I'm pretty good. I saw Nine yesterday but it turned out to be so perfect tailor-made to what I find beautiful that it made me cry a little. I love it. I'd missed a call from Ryan - he has a real thing for me but I don't really get him at all - he is always on travels all over the world. He sends me really long facebook messages about what I'm up to that I usually forget to respond to. Anyway yesterday I said he could call. As I was leaving the movie theater I listened to the msg he left and it was like "I guess you're at the movies but you shouldn't be. You should be with your family on Christmas!" Thanks Ryan! I still wound up talking to him eventaully and, you know, explained that I have to go to work Monday and both my families are traveling so.

Drake is having a Unitarian Youth Group reunion tonight in Princeton. I called him - I told him what Ryan said - I said I guess some people's families actually wouldn't go away if one of them couldn't come but... and he cut me off to say most people's families. I don't know if that's true, but it was like there was a feel sorry for yourself fatwa on my head. I still really didn't. I watched Ali g Dvds. Something I'll probably recommence in a minute or two.

Enh. Well I wish you were around and would come pick me up. I'm okay but it's so disgusting outside. I realy don't want to go to Princeton but was also tempted by Drake's enthusiasm to go see Nine with me tomorrow and I could cry and he'd cry with empathy for me he offered. I don't know if I have a big Princeton trip in me in this weather and in a longer blog would tell you how I don't want to wrestle with his romantic idea of me either.

Bored! XOXOXOX
A

There are so many pricks out there :) ! I had a true blast this weekend - the kind I was worried one just never really has again after age 23. Oh but pricks - no shortage of pricks! I'm glad I have a blog so this abundance of pricks can be "for your consideration" not only for mine. :)

Sometimes it flits through my mind that maybe I've got something to atone for and this is why the sheer number of prickly little pricks I meet and chat with. (score one point for Judaism) But it's probably more empirical than that. (score one point for logic) More likely there are just so many pricks!!!

At the party, while I was at the craft table making an ornament that said "Which do you love more? ... your Dad? or bunk beds?" a prick faced kid arrived and stood next to me and looked at it. He didn't introduce himself so I just sorta nodded. He sorta arrived, stood, and judged. I was glad when he walked away. Bad vibes.

Later, in the smoking room, I wind up next to him while everyone is passing joints. Dialogue!!!!

Him: Oh I feel like I'm just towering over you. Sorry - it feels very dominant.
Me: It's all right.

He has some other conversation with someone else - the thrust of which is something about something he's done or is doing being "incomplete" or "unfinished"

Me: So, Dominant and Incomplete, those// don't really go..
Him: //are big words, I know.

I smoke my joint a little. The DJ was the best for years (FINALLY)- he strikes up "Cupid, draw back your bow" and I start singing. (I sing this song out loud in cubicles several times a week because the website I wind up on to collect my internet dates is called "fastcupid") I'm singing along. I have a nice voice which everyone knows. It's just a nice voice. And viva la midrange.

Prickhead: (acting very excited and interested) Do you know who sings this?
Me: Sam Cooke!
Prickhead: Let's keep it that way.
Me: Hunmn- I see. (pause) You know just a minute ago when you said that thing about big words I wondered if you might be implying that I don't understand big words, but then I thought to myself 'Stop it- you're paranoid,' but now I see I was right: you're a very undercutting person.

Then Baby Love came on and this other guy who had heard this whole exchange and I got out of there to go break it down.

That guy(not entirely a prick): But all you do is treat me bad
Me: woah oh oh oh

These pricks are everywhere. Speaking of that internet service, I checked my filtered messages the other day and Wait I should reproduce this message for you verbatim. Hold on while I log in:(CUpid Please hear my cryyyyyy and let your arrow flyye Straight to muh lovuhs heart for me, for meeeee)

It's from nicksthatname. It says:

There's something very special about you. I noticed your picture immediately, I mean other than the hair which looks like your gardener cut it or your outfit which looks like something you stole from the 90's.

You seem like a cool, interesting woman.

I'm not sure about you though, but I would like to ask you some questions so email me back.

Bill


I'm glad only my friends read my blog because I don't think they'll disbelieve the claim I stake on what little naivete I still have. Like I really don't understand all these pricks with their desire to bring a little more cruelty, a little more undercutting, a little less happiness into the world. I know their insecurity figures into it, but don't you find that knowing that still doesn't give you any sympathy for it? Hey losers I feel insecure ALL THE FUCKING TIME - HASN'T ANYONE HEARD OF CHARM. ?

Today's blog is Charm vs. mean not smart or funny undercutting comments.

I guess if my dress looks like I "stole it from the 90's" that that means it looks like I got it in the nineties, Bill. A human can't steal from a decade. That's not witty. It's like a garbled Keenan and Kel joke - you should go back to Nick Jr. Anyway I got that dress from Neimans Last Call in Austin and the body you can't handle is straight from God, time of birth 1980 time of pubescence circa 1995/1996.

Aside from wanting to stay kind, and maintaining at least that much innocence and I do appeal to you Hebrew God to let me keep that please, I have so little naivete it prevents me from getting laid. All this maturity and understanding. But it's better than the alternative. I did the alternative when I was younger and that was its own thing. I talked to some cool chicks at the party about this actually. What a weird moment it is when you think to yourself 'I DID have fun in my early twenties." Nothing too deep about this thought - the weirdness is merely in the past tense.

But that past tense is eminently important. That's what I'm driving at. How I love love my perfect Megastar - who invited me to the party and is too wonderful all around- At the end of the night she surprised me: She was upset that the hottest guy at the party (who was under 25 for sure and just back from serious world travels) left with the strange misplaced extra ditzy blonde girl who was instantly and obviously infatuated with him. This girl was extra dumb. Talking to her was an excercise in getting really REALLY confused. I felt happy for her when someone gave her a little white and she became able, it seemed, to talk to her paramour without making duck wings and saying "gobble gobble", a problem she had been having earlier when he started talking to her, she had earlier confessed to me. But Megastar was actually upset to see him choose someone so vapid. Hunh. We all have our little pitfalls/wishes-for-an-unreality and I call on Megalotronic all the time to tell her about mine. But it seems my friend with whom I share so very much doesn't know young hot guys are going to go home with the stupid girl who is definitely going to put out. I mean that is the world we live in and specifically the city we live in.

Harsh! Well, meanwhile I feel like Dorothy Parker at parties. Sometimes I dampen the mood I think unfortunately, becoming sort of an arched brow observer, but no one wants to see a 29 year old woman throw herself at a guy. Or rather I don't want to see myself throw myself at a guy. The thing is that that throwing yourself shit worked when I was young. As it did for slow blonde at this party. My average for scoring if I acted like that was probably 78% in LA in '03. I really am too old to try it now though so I have to watch other people do it.

This is all fine. At the horrific office party that I go to every year becasue the sky is blue, I made that cute office boy buy me a stiff drink while everyone else coupled off for better or horrible hangover tragic mistake worse. This blog began with me scared and horrified that I could no longer ho like I once could. And here we are in the time of peace with that. :)

XandO's for days and days and days,
X
A

oh

I guess my blog has some kind of strange security breach to illiterate to English advertising for having your credit card stolen. God knows how - simplicity is key foreigns! hahahaha you need someone who speaks English? Might I volunteer for your crime team? I'm ready to lead your crime team. :)

I was going to talk about how great the nutcracker is and how when i was little, so young, on one of my weekends at my dad's while he lived in this great little east side apartment with my step mom i thought i had a stomachache so i made a deal of it and learned everything about life when i was told we couldn't go anymore because it had started and was almost over and that's not how it works.

Xo

Tomorrow is a no to one cigarette day

I need to go work and then see my family for a show after work. Hello, I am Bridget Jones. A pretty good movie. She turns the soup blue.

I need to get up over an hour earlier than I usually do is the thing. I am seriously blogging to remind myself to bring black jeans t shirt cardigan belt. I am procrastinating finding those things now and trying to remind myself two beers in to actually wake up earlier, to find them, and to shower.

Maybe I should end this blog tomorrow! Je pense que je regrette avant je publie.

Mes regards plus chaud,

Alexis

Merry Christmas - I want to blog

Hold on little craft in the ocean. Nurture your obsessions and pick up your clothes - the winter is upon you - breathe and breathe and breathe - Your craft is so imperfect so ride each one as one perfect crashing wave at a time. Stay a pace ahead and they're mere hillocks for you to buoy on. A mere length ahead little sailboat, twisted sail.

Hi. Hello. It's rainy and I'm crazy. I am back from a quick smoke in spite of my smokers cough. While smoking I thought, maybe I'll see if I can go in for therapy tomorrow. Isn't that what it's for? For not bothering anyone who doesn't deserve it with the cartography of the paths of anxiety on which you beat the encroaching dry thorned shrubs- flail at them really.

I thought of how he sometimes talks of his group that does group therapy - he'll mention experiences people have talked about in his group. I'll never join a group ever, I thought. Here you go: a very un-humble conviction of mine: Never will I ever join a group for therapy. Oh yes- I've no humility in my sharp sharp judgement here - such a thing is Grotesque. Never. Never. Never never ever ever ever ever.*

I've been thinking about psychology a lot. My latest obsession is Celebrity Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew. I've driven myself half mad trying to decide what I think of Dr. Drew. If you are lucky, I'll tell you about it.

I have to change desks now.

XOXO
Alexis

* For Grief or Illness I would actually, but for general malaise? I stand by grotesque.

some inventory

sorry no quizzes or fun stuff for a long time!

I'm toasted and a little tipsy, a-bleedin, yes. Always relevant, no? In this case it is, cuz it's also maximum tree lighting time at Rock Center, holiday time. I'm happy so feeling a lot of love even for the weirder relationships in my life and certainly and most purely for my family.

Today I did 830 gift bags with my friend who was laid off a little less than a year ago. I love the gift bags actually - as much as I think it is important to bitch like it's being sent to prison - this is a very important aspect of the ritual. I like year markers and I love mindless team work. I like to sing all day and i don't care if my coworkers complain it's really annoying behind my back. When I'm happy, nothing can stop me and people just have to suffer my love, fuck them. !

Last night Kelly and I went for champagne pretending we were going for champagne and shopping. We talked family. You know my life. I like to come home after a day of gift bags and fire up what needs to be fired as well as the chardonnay and think about my family. :) For this reason, I've been thinking I should blog about them, but as soon as I get to it, i dunno... my family is awfully complicated. I guess I wouldn't know where to start. I wonder what Sam Sheapard's family is like. My guess is considerably smaller.

The person I think it would be neat to write about is my step dad. There's some betrayal to writing about your step dad though - not a deep betrayal, but some. I think it stops me. I should write a family play. Blogging about my family would be more fun first though. And soon I'm just going to start getting good at LSATS so I may skip the family play. So anyhow, i guess to be continued while i empty the chardonnay and listen to jams on my ibook speakers cus the good ones are buzzing at a break your head frequency. hateful soundwaves what the fuck are you alien voices from other planets?

haha that sounds crazy. Get me high more often. Before I'm a lawyer. haha!

love
Alexis

Well that was boring

What I really wanted to tell you about work and Mad Men I didn't and maybe I will one day but I find this whole waiting to write thing does not really work. :)

Anyway Thanksgiving. Yays.

love
Alexis

Whew Hello

I feel like telling you the story of my life blog, but someone made me do data entry today- so I am doing it now even though i wound up writing all day in my head while entering contacts. Well, it's been a long time since a little evening blog.

I wanna talk work, Mad Men, happiness, thanksgiving, the "family play". We'll just see what I get to.

I had a sort of epiphany about work. It wasn't a particularly happy epiphany but when are they particularly happy? - They're not meant to be happy as much as rewarding - which can bring happiness. Another weird thing is you might have to reach them twice I've found out - in that case, particularly if they are painful. :)

Anyway the rewarding epiphany. They're mostly pretty boring. They bore me more than they anger me. Nice feeling this epiphany because I stopped feeling angry without having to experience a feeling of it culminating- I just let it dissipate . Anyway, I don't wish I were marrying a preppy asap. Jeez I let that idea go too far. It's being part of their thing - the executive men I'm speaking of now - and some assistants who seem crazy - imagining that's the thing. Oh blah I could care less about making you read about this. Anyway - ack - I wanna get out of this epiphany and into the next part. Anyway, the whole thing is false, for me, because I like for love to be a little more about me than supporting a bigshot - I mean at least a Real Estate bigshot. These people are not sane, in my version of the sanity/ insanity paradigm. I've been really open minded (worse than that - I've built them up so that I would find my life more interesting) and now I'm allowed that much judgement. Mad Men is really good it turns out! :) Everyone should watch it the way I did: The first episode and then the entire third season sick on Saturday. Mmmm it was so good. I'm sorry but HBO is the new storytelling.


I know more about politics than a person needs to. Reading the internet all day is stupid - life is, after all, existential. One thing that's very funny to me is that there are "Mad Men" blogs where a person writes what happened in the episode and explains what it meant and has loads of people telling him they adore them! Jeez Louise - dummies! (I mean it's FINE -i don't harbor the person any ill will - it's just funny and boring. :) -still in the epiphany here: "mostly people are boring". ) Most of the internet is dumb and then there's following politics - climate change, scientists manipulating data, civil rights, famine, end the war? and constantly with the approval ratings. More dummies - but in politics everyone thinks they're an expert. I mean this includes me - it reminds me of why parents are difficult for teachers - because everyone went to school and everyone knows how they think it ought to be. Politics is even more broad and selfish. And a politician is really just an archetype for you to project. You know. That's why it's nice that it's not always a white man. Beyond that - it's just more internet I tell you.

So anyway I just talked to Amy and now I'm going to get cash so i have it for the laundry tomorrow. I've been in a getting my shit together moment which is fun - especially since it's going to culminate in painting the living room. if you an't tell, I'm in a very good mood. :)

So la la. More soon I hope but everything is getting very hectic in a wonderful almost Thanksgiving home renovation way. xo
A

Ultimately though it's okay that people are pompous though right. I mean the right approach is to seek tranquility. I feel immature when angry.

i am DYING to paint my living room and nervous the landlord will say no. I am going to call him soon. Scared.

love
Alexis

Let the record show...

I ALWAYS loved Katie Couric.

http://gawker.com/5410874/katie-courics-forbidden-dance-of-gin/gallery/?skyline=true&s=i

First,

don't ever buy this "Mash" bottled juice stuff. I got it this morning having skimmed the label and thinking it said, "it's 100% juice..." What it says is, "it's not 100%juice" and it's gross.

I don't know what the point is of it all. I really don't. I am turning 29 tomorrow though. And pretty soon I'm going to go to law school. I have to because of a very simple thing called money. I want to have it. I want a house in New England. I can deal with the possibility of never falling in love again. But I can't deal with never being in a certain bracket, the homeowner bracket. So there it is. Enh - I should also be able to kick some litigous ass. I need to be kicking more ass, and making money - not this year but, well, probably next year - go to Mexico for the 30th bday and then to Law School before the 31st. Maybe I could be an environmental lawyer. That would be sort of awesome. Maybe I could lend my future to-be-gotten contract understanding abilities to would-be producers and sorta keep my hand in the theater production game. I don't know, I've been thinking these kind of serious thoughts about the future. Probably because so many people are getting married or pregnant and I can't even afford a puppy, and also am developing a corner of myself that doesn't believe I'll ever have another boyfriend, not to say husband. And because I really admire the women around my workplace who are runnin' thangs while I take phonecalls and dress like Mad Men (which I was doing since before that shit was on TV - which is awesomely prescient of me but doesn't help me at the automat- not one bit). I'll be accepting "But Alexis you MUSTN'T go to Law School - you are TOO UNIQUE and should just maintain and WRITE" comments/ caveats - but I'm more serious than usual as 30 looms and I seriously want to be able to support a Dog and have a house preferably made at least in part of stone. I think it could be deeply satisyfing a) to study and use different colored highlighters - so in depth will be the level of studying b) to do the persuasive thing c)to earn money, did I mention that?

So there's that. It's related, or at least how serious I feel about it is related, to a phonecall with my dad last night. I guess I'll dialogue it. "Mad Men"-wise it would be hot as hell if I could light up a smoke here at work while I dialogue out my conversation with my dad last night on my blog. Hating so hard on smoking is sadly not even the worst of the aughts.

My dad calls.

Me: HI!
Dad: Hi - how are you?
Me: Good! I'm Good!
Dad: That's one thing that's great about you - you are always so upbeat.
Me: Well, I try!
Dad: So, tomorrow is my last day at Schering.
Me: Wow. Unbelievable. That is some serious end of an era stuff.

um, etc.

Dad: So I won't have to go into work for a while and I found two boxes of your papers from Middle School and High School in the basement so I can bring them out to you one day.
Me: Hm. Alright.
Dad: You know what else I found - cleaning out my desk from work... notes I took from a phonecall from that casting agent about you being in The Secret Garden when you were 12. It says they'd provide a tutor - but you need to have at least one guardian and I wrote "Grammom?"

etc. Jokes.

Dad: Oh well... probably you would have ended up like Drew Barrymore on drugs and a mess.
Me: Oh probably not. Probably I just would have loved the living shit out of it and then for college gone to Carnegie Mellon's Conservatory or I dunno Yale and gotten an agent and it'd be great.
Dad: Yea! You'd be Natalie Portman.
Me: Exactly. But talented. Anyhow, this is silly. Yeah, right now all I really want is a dog.
Dad: Well I guess I can be glad you're not telling me you're not getting younger so you want to have a baby.
Me: Yeah not to worry - not even close. I'll tell you that in about 10 years.
Dad: What about your mother? Is she still bothering you to have a baby?
Me: No I think that was mostly drunkenness... well, or... well I don't really know what it was. Honestly it was more her asking why I was keeping her from her grandchild - you know the imaginary grandchild - which - I don't think you like to hear this, but when I do think of having a baby, I'm pretty sure I really don't want her anywhere near it and I'll try to keep it as far away from her as I can...
Dad: Oh I don't think I'll fight you too hard on that.
Me: Okay good yeah. Hey so these boxes of stuff - I'm just thinking- you don't really have to bring them out here - I mean it's great if you come out here- there's all sorts of stuff we can do, but it's not like I have so much storage space...
Dad: Well if I don't bring it out it's gonna get thrown away.
Me: Jeez fine. Bring them out then - I don't want you to throw them away. Like my "All About Me" book. I was just thinking of that because of Where the Wild things Are. Do you remember the stories you took dictation from me of? They were incredible- They were so Jungian - I can't believe they're lost forever.
Dad: Yeah! you were so Creative!
Me: No Really! I remember one of them I looked in the mirror but I was a bird and... then there was this journey on a train but all the while I kept having these feelings, as a girl, as a bird... - it's terrible that they're gone.
Dad: What about schools? Are you applying to schools again this year?
Me: I mean I should try. Get together a couple applications over Christmas break. But I haven't written anything new. I am in a mood to revise, but I don't know if I'll get to it. Plus I was reading this Wendy Wasserstein play over the weekend and thinking, "Why not try to produce this?" I mean I don't know how to acquire the rights but I guess I could find out.
Dad: Yeah I guess that's why there are producers - not everyone can write.
Me: Well I can write but it's just I think there's a lot of writing that's already there that is better than mine. I mean mine is mine but Wendy Wasserstein - it's kind of great- it all applies to now as well as when it was written and there're all these female characters.. I could cast myself... I don't know.
Dad: No I like this - very ambitious...
Me: And law school - I think about law school
Dad: Well I REALLY like that! But don't wait too long...
Me: What does THAT mean?

But I didn't want to give my dad a hard time so I laid off and didn't demand an answer. Thinking about it more today I also think I shouldn't wait tooo long (I just don't want to hear it from my Dad) because it's expensive and you want to do it young enough that you're paying it off at a time when it's still okay that you're paying it off.

Uh, Booooring - sorry about this y'all. XOXOXOX
A

Chrissy, I really appreciate you saying what you do about me being such a genius.

I have this fond, I mean bittersweet which can be extremely sweet, while bitter or anyway, tear-salty, memory of meeting MyfriendH and her husband, who was then her fiance, long before they were my neighbors, in Princeton a long ago Thanksgiving just when everything hit the fan with the somewhat psychotic only-man-I-ever-lived-with. Moving out and quickly was suddenly very much on the immediate agenda.

I was crying, but it was manageable and I wasn't about to not meet them just because he'd just published this awful Friendster blog about me. Sounds so nerdy and was still so painful. It was really bad. And I'm sitting there with MyfriendH and her G, and saying, "I would just like to find someone smarter than me" (per grammar discussion "I" is actually correct Chrissy :) :) ) and they were both concurrently like "Well, that's gonna be hard."

Smarter -that's relative and of course, he doesn't have to be smarter, just very aware that I'm smart - right? That's smart enough. But also, truly, I do demand exceptional. I've met and gone out with some even exceptional people and still I really require someone be quite quite amazing - he's gonna have to be gracious and interesting to hear from for ages, and I'll also need the initial get together to involve thrill.

It's a waiting game and sometimes I get lonely and it sucks. But it is what it is and it is exactly what it is and there it is, yeah?

I had the BEST TIME last night. MyfriendsH,M,J,A - her boyfriend R, and me had dinner and reminisced about funny old times when we were kids, high school et al. Champagne, wine, and the laughter of recalled teen times. I had to wipe my eyes laughing over dinner and wine. This might be the best of life. I haven't felt so warm and good in a while. Hooray for Birthday week.

Even before this I had the loveliest night with another friend H and the ever good Kelly the prior week.

Seems it's the ladies that keep my heart warm enough to enjoy life and to smile. I also am happy that the men some of them have found to be with are enjoyable and good too. So glad for the people I love in my life... is my point. XO

A

At the Accounting Office

Chilling chilling.

I think my mosquito problem is related to Climate Change. What is the fucking deal? -it's mid November. Other people in my building must be having the problem too. (maybe it's partially my own fault - leaving trace amounts of standing water in my sink - I am unfit.) I see that the mosquitos linger in our building wide front door vestibule. They're like vampires that need to be asked in. Kind of. Actually they're the opposite and will fly in as soon as you open the door with your groceries even if you scream at them.

You should really see how I deal with this. Following waking and itching, I move to whichever room I'm not in, slamming the door quickly behind me - if it's into the bedroom that I've moved, I form a seal made of recently discarded clothing over the gap at the door bottom. Last night I had a few beers and forgot to do this when I went to bed. So after I awoke with bites, I moved into the living room - did not form a seal - do not know if I have 2 skeeters or only one. I think it's just the one and eventually he came into the living room from the bedroom under the unsealed door. Anyway what I do is wrap myself completely in a blanket so I cannot be bitten. I also wrap my ears so the buzzes won't necessarily wake me. This is the funny part that you should see. I got one bite on my browline like this last night, but I put hydrocortisone on it immediately (I sleep with it at my mummified side).

Frustrations with men in my life : legion. Still haven't met a great one for me. Oh no! - and the winter on the way! Trying to think how best to long story short here...

That night I lost my contact lens I started to feel angry at Adam. Adam and I have been friends a long time. I'm not a doctor, but I'd say he has chronic depression. -not that some really tough things haven't been happening for the past few years to him. Including the death of his father which of course is beyond hard. I knew him prior to that though and his reaction and the extent of his grief and inward turning is inkeeping - Adam would feel guilty if he felt good even now - that's how his grief works. An Eeyore Adam. But he's a great guy. He brings me music and gives me massages. On his schedule obviously. Recently he's gotten kinda sentimental when he comes by to hang out - talking about teaching me to play guitar and spending the first day of Thanksgiving break with me and asking, weirdly, if he can write to me during work days (me: About what? Adam: About anything.) stuff like this. I didn't want to get excited. I didn't get excited. - this is like four years of not getting excited about Adam I'm into here. But I thought these were nice developments in our friendship plus sometimes sex or whatever it is. He's the same person I once had to call and talk my head off at because we boned and he didn't call. And you know way way way back then I told him: Listen, I'm not trying to get you to feel anyhing you don't feel or be my boyfriend even - you're a piece of work, I get it - but it would really be nice particularly on Sundays to maybe hang out in your new house around the corner and read the paper. I really wish you'd ask me to do that. That has never happened.

So anyway, that night I lost my contact lens, I called him and was like "you know - are we even doing these guitar lessons? Are we really seeing 'Hair' the Wednesday before Thanksgiving? - OF COURSE you haven't done anything about it. OF COURSE you're going home this weekend. I have no faith in any of this honestly." He textd through the night checking I was fine. I guess I'm glad of that, but Adam just does a ton of falling short. It's kind of his whole bag. It's a shame. He's a wonderful guy, person. It's very cyclical where his belief that he is like this is part of what makes him like this. I guess I have a problem of my own feeling disappointed about someone who I endeavored to be aware even on a subconscious level would and will disappoint. Fucking subconscious though! When you're on your period and lose your contact, it's all "Feel my wrath - you tell me NOTHING."

Then, here is last night: This part is kind of interesting and I hope it doesn't make Kelly feel conflicted b/c it's vis a vis her friend who she was really awesome to set me up with. He's fun/ he's one of her favorite people. He's not right for me really. I'm pretty sure she won't mind that or feel anything different about me about that. But anyway, so, I like him but I'm not falling in love. BUT, um, anatomically, uh.... well really exciting. So I pretty much objectify him badly in my mind. Bad person, me.

ANYHOW. So he and I haven't talked much for a week or so. Everytime we gchat he has to go or miraculously I have had work to do at work (well not so miraculous - the holidays are upon us and, you know the drill, OMG THE MFing TREE!@!!) So anyhow - right long story short- he, like Adam, who is who I actually am angry at, eventhough I'm supposed to never expect anything ever from Adam, wasn't being particularly amenable to discussing when we were actually getting together next. I asked him what was up on Monday (basically - I wanted to go over and give him lots of oral sex. You heard it here first - I adore his penis. [SO BAD - can you imagine what I would think of someone writing that they weren't so infatuated with me, but did adore my vagina on the internet? Actually, the life I've had, I think I could handle it. So there.]) So anyhow - I'm not totally sure how understood this is, but I'm getting the feeling it's kind of understood. So anyway yesterday I'm telling him, "Look Thursday's out but did you say Wednesday? And do you want to do this other thing first on Wednesday and blah" and he's gotta call me later he says. So he calls last night on his way to meet this guy for dinner and honestly screams in my ear for ten or twelve minutes about his frustrations at his work. I had to hold the phone away. I made little comments not knowing what else to do. "Well you sound angry" etc. Anyway he went on and on and when he was winding down I tried to sort of sneak in "You're kind of yelling in my ear" which is not actually a sneakable statement. No questions about me or my day though. I said "Well I guess I'll let you get to your dinner and your friend." At this point he said he didn't mean to just dump on me. I think I just said "yeah" because that is exactly what he did - what was I to say? I chose "yeah." Then he said, "so do you want to try to arrange to hang out tomorrow" all heavy inuendo voice on the "hang out" which would have been fine with me -- that was exactly what I wanted to have go on with him - if he hadn't called me on his way to meet someone and just vented his whole life like it was fascinating at 130 decibels with no intention of ever asking me how I was. Boo to that. Sorry that's just so rude. If you're calling someone on your way elsewhere and the first thing you're going to make clear is that you're on your way somewhere to meet someone and don't have time to ask about the other person, you've really got to contain your twelve minute shouting monologue. That's called courtesy. I said I didn't think so about the hanging out today. I said I had to clean my house. I am no longer capable of pretending I am not pissed when I am - if I ever was - which I probably never was.

XOXOXOX I LOVE YOU
Alexis

Is my emotional life boring yet?

Anyway I wonder what it's like to be a man. They must feel similar emotions sometimes but they don't feel them all miserable on their period once every few months. Yesterday I felt all bad in the first place, my house is a mess, I'm out of toilet paper, and then I lost my BRAND NEW amazing left contact lens down the drain and had to just go "I am going to be hysterical about this for five minutes and then I'll internalize that I'll just order another one tomorrow and calm down, but I get to go down a whole path of misery for five minutes... but - don't break the plates!" :)

Anyway, I took a sick day. I still haven't addressed the trash but I'm about to take a shower. What an amazing Sopranos the one where Tony and Tony have to take Chris to the hospital to get the doctor to tell Chris that Adriana was sitting up during the car accident is.

love

Something delightful

Names to call a girl named Madeline, Maddie

* Mart the Fart
* or just Mart
* so now and then Martina Hingis
* also Mardy
* or Moldy

hahaha. Brothers and sisters are the best.

eh

I hate the ones where I protest over and over "This is not pathetic!" Maybe it's a style problem. Maybe I should only mention fantasies and dreams in the context of plays about plane crashes.


XO


More later

Where the Wild Things Are is Excellent. David Brooks wrote the best review I've read so far. It's pschoanalytic in its approach to character he says. Then he put in his own little zeitgesit statement about a change happening in our collective approach to character. Neat. Anyway, wonderful movie.

WTWTA is probably somewhat responsible for a degree of vividness and fullness of feeling to my dreams last night/ this morning. I traveled a distance in a lush part of Africa and climbed a ladder and met my team. I watched a lot of TV yesterday and that's why there was a "team" I think.

Oh right before I went to bed I watched Celebrity Sex Rehab which aside from the fact that Dr. Drew wears a stethoscope is really pretty good.

Jesus what am I talking about. I was gonna do such a good blog today but I ran it in my head and now I don't wanna write it.

So I woke up and decided to sleep another 20 minutes and decided to put my chosen work crush in a dream since I was in a good dream moment.

Scene from last week (reality):
Analysts crowded around another analyst's desk in front of mine. Analysts discussing sunglasses with sides. These are called wayfarers. Cute boy didn't know this and I can never remember what wayfarers are either since to me they sound like either sneakers or shorts. I don't talk at work though - not to the analysts, not unless we are getting coffee at the same time. I am listening to this conversation but acting like I'm not. So then Cute says "like the sunglasses they give you at the dentist" For some reason everyone looks at me for a reaction. I say "Do you mean the eye doctor?" (even though I know he means just what he said) Much more lauughter than that deserved.

And so - I loved the dream I got to have about him when I told my contented self to dream this morning. (upcoming = dream) We went to a burger place. Oh the burgers smelled so delicious. Without a doubt they were in n out burgers but we were in NYC. Dreams! We were laughing and laughing and buying our burgers. No one was watching and I very nearly stole myself a second burger at the checkout becasue therewere all these hot delicious ones just wanting to be grabbed. But I didn't - just stole extra fries. Then we were in a car - he was driving I think - or I was - either way we were eating the burgers and the fries and they were delicious - maybe we were bringing someone else some burgers too. Then he told me he really liked me and kissed my neck. It was AWESOME.

I have dreams like this and they're really nice. Maybe if I wait long enough something this exciting will actually happen (but I doubt it. Also I don't mean iwth him. I just mean with anyone) Please don't get the wrong idea that I'm upset about boys or love or stuff right now. I'm not. I feel pateint and fine about it. I have support, boys who I like and who think I'm bee-ooo-te-ful - I'm good. I'm not inspired but it's fine. And my last blog post wasn't about becoming lesbian or actually hating men: it was a women are superior thing which I always think. Just to clarify. What I'm going at is that feeling I remember from adolescence and dreams where I actually feel flooded with that special joyful anxiety. Some days I think I could never feel this ever again - which I can be happy to have ever felt it at all. Most days I figure I may feel it again before I'm 46. At any rate, I understand it to be an unknown and it does not wrench my heart regualrly or anything like that.

But sometimes good enough movies can make me dream it. Plus daylight savings time, plus the heater on yet not overheating the room.

God I love it. Too bad there are no occasions where me and that office cute boy are sent to go get burgers for everyone in an old blue Corrolla. Becasue I am sure you readers all know DUH If we were it would go down just like the dream. I would sit in the passenger seat all silently repeating "tell me you like me and kiss my neck tell me you like me and kiss my neck" and then it would happen just like the dream.

Again, this is in no way a patheticness posting. Need you to know that. How I feel about this is happy. Happily, I am not very deluded lately.

You may ask this though: "Alexis, you're funny: can I ask you this? You know Alexis, you seem so excited, moved, and spiritually most nourished by the arts - most of all drama, the depth of human character, and music, so what attracts you- what arouses your secret sad-happy dark and soft and heart heat love-warmth about these bland corporate boys?"

(MyfriendH told me something great about looking for our Dads once recently and I really liked that answer and it gave me some solace in wondering why I liked someone I shouldn't have. She's good. this is an aside)

I was thinking this very question to myself as I went for lunch today though. Look out becasue I don't have a concise answer.

Part of it though I think is a practicality that I insert into my fantasy life, or a realism, however you want to say it. Even in my fantasy likfe i am fantasizing about someone whose job would actually support us so that we could really have a wintry house which is like a haven in the snow - a key fantasy of mine all my life.

I don't want him to be around all the time. I want him to be handsome, love to love me, go to work, earn money, respect me to fucking death.

What is love to me? Nothing intense and twilight-like - not even in my fantasies. When I fatasize about my be-suited husband I just fantasize him saying my name to other people when I'm not around and saying something about me. To me that is love. "Alexis doesn't like those sorts of movies." These are the words I put in my crushes' mouths in my fantasies. Isn't that funny.

The way I see it - there's an alternate route to my wintry joy which is law school. Then I'd be able to earn enough to buy my own house. I will consider this at 31 but no sooner. I like being single in New York now, but I do want to live in New England in my own house and i would like a child.. sometime, later not now. I don't see any harm in fantasizing about just being taken there and encouraged to write, mother, get analysis, learn to play instruments and the odd language - and don't forget, be mentiononed to others... "Alexis is learning Italian. We're taking the baby there in Spring." "Alexis wrote the saddest song about her postpartum depression. Anyway she doesn't like those kinds of movies."

I hope you understand I don't feel pathetic about any of this! It is just confessional and hopefully you kinda know what I mean!

xoxoxoxox
love
A

My Opinions on Everything Continued

Obviously had to continue right? I have opinions on things besides Rosie O'Donnell and one other thing. I mean c'mon...

Related to Rosie O'Donnell though. All opinions have to be related to Rosie O'Donnell. Never love a man. Only love a woman. I'm upset about Gore Vidal. I loved him a lot and then this is what he said of the girl in the Roman Polanski case: "Look, am I going to sit and weep every time a young hooker feels as though she's been taken advantage of?"

The safest thing is just to only love smart women and be radical like that.

love
Alexis

My opinions on everything

Rosie O'Donnell

I love Rosie O'Donnell. She was voted most annoying celebrity a couple years ago, during that The View stint I suspect. What she said to that was something like "Well most celebrities are annoying I think. If I'm the most annoying, so be it." I think a lot of skinny straight actresses aren't brave enough or accepting enough with themselves... well some of them are.. lemme think how to say this... I'm all wrong here.. hold up. Okay, clearly Miley Cyrus, clearly most any celebrity, right? is accepting enough with themself to talk about themself on the internet - that's moot beyond moot- every idiot is saying what they think all the time. So okay, I'm wrong: I like what she thinks I suppose. She writes these terribly constructed all lowercase poems on her website, gives so much money to children's charities it's actually astounding, she gets really badly depressed by the horrible events that go on, and she hangs upside down in an upside-down hanger device for relief. She can be really caustic but it's part of her and you get more of the actual her than your average person on TV. I don't know: I think she has really good priorities.

Dick Cheney

I see no reason not to believe Dick Cheney had prior knowledge about the September 11th attacks. I got really obsessed with this right before I went to Italy and thought about it for the whole plane ride there because I'm certifiable. (It was alright. I just mean I'm certifiable because I like to get my upset on in airplanes... I also watched He's Just Not that Into You and all...) The segue here is Rosie O'Donnell who gets a ton of flack for mentioning "truther" websites et al. I'm really annoyed at Bill Maher who is going out of his way to make a "vaccinations are bad" argument at the moment but in the past has yelled at and kicked out members of his audience who want him to talk about World Trade Center Seven and says they're idiots. Actually that is very very strange that World Trade Center 7 fell on Spetmenber 11th in what was obviously a controlled demolition. The two towers - I don't know - of course I don't. Being hit by planes seemed like a good enough reason for them to collapse - even though the way they collapsed... let's not even get into that because you don't have to and we have no way of knowing and sound crazy if we try to. BUT The Truthers actually rightly identified WTC 7 as the thing to yell out about. That Bill Maher mocked this really bothers me. Evidently WTC 7 housed the security company, owned by Jeb Bush, for the whole WTC complex. Also a CIA headquarters. Larry Silverstein said on camera that they "pulled" it. Later he said he meant to say they "pulled the firefighters out of it" - but there weren't any firefighters there. It wasn't hit by anything that day and obviously didn't just fall like that. And even if Dick Cheney did not have prior knowledge about the Sept. 11th attacks, his reaction - (there are fighter pilots up every day with instructions to intervene in a course of events exactly like Septemeber 11th - he actually said no, not to take the planes out. This is recorded by a person with him that day - who was shocked. I believe it's a Panetta who is not Leon Panetta? Maybe Minetta?) At any rate he was asked : should they take down the planes? and he said no. This implies to me that in the moments that he found out, at best, he thought "whatever this is should proceed - I can use it to have more control and advance my agenda." When Bill Maher and angry essays at websites which I usually like criticize Truthers, they get all mad about how Bush was too stupid to pull it off so what an idiot a Truther is for imagining Bush could be behind such a thing. Yes that's right - Bush didn't do shit (He's actually told by handlers to just keep reading ). He read a book. It makes me and a lot of people want to pull out our own eyes. They say the truthers are such idiots- the administration was too incompetant to be responsible. Well, they were pretty competant at scaring everyone into two wars. They always wanted to go to war with Iraq. Cheney is an oil man and knows all those sheiks.... Why is it so implausible that he heard about this and thought 'great" and isn't that foreknowledge? And maybe he even helped them out a little. Why is this so hard to believe? I really resent being called an idiot about this. I don't think he was up in the twin towers planting blombs on staggered floors. I just think he knew and even planned for it a bit and I'd believe more than a bit. Look at him now! Did you see him on TV saying that his administration reviewed all aspects of the war in Afghanistan in 2008. 2008. He tried to sneak it by - the date- while calling Obama a ditherer for actually considering war in its real and complicated terms of human life. I think Dick Cheney smiled while all those American civilians died. Why is that hard to believe? George Bush smiled and took pictures. Dick Cheney said don't take down those planes and hid. There's a lot of information about this out there and fuck you Bill Maher. Agreed about people responding differently to different chemicals and an individual approach to medicine but I know what a vaccine is and why would you silence people about something I think everyone should internalize- Dick Cheney is a mass murderer- while saying stupid stuff you don't understand about medicine. No one makes you get vaccinated. Going to work and jumping out a window in flames is another thing.

Fear of Intimacy

I'll opine about this later.

Yow - I've always avoided talking about the Cheney stuff. That's why I admire outspoken Rosie. That's the synthesis there. Well now you know what I think!

XOXO
Alexis

nothin to do but blog to you

So that Spirit of the Times and New York essay isn't yet written - partially because if that magazine truly comes to exist (the person in charge of finding investors is out of town and hard to reach: that's obviously very critical and I've only met this Executive Editor once so don't know how reliable) it won't do so til about January. If my thesis, that it is a newly spirited time, is at all right, it should still be true then, and should be different enough by January to warrant, well, a revision... I'll work on writing about it because I may as well right now... eventhough I left my notes at home - I was drunk when I wrote them anyway...

Oh - but here's what I was talking about in them. You know, A) One thing we might as well look at off the bat (because it's not very revelatory) is that I can have a feeling about the Spirit of the Times of New York and think that how I feel is an accurate description of the Spirit of New York. Like I am as good a descriptor as anybody is of what is happening spiritually to 8 million people here (more... so many more...). It's always hard to find a definition of Democracy - (The Constitution did its best but White Men) but THIS about New York feels very very democratic. If it inspires you and you live here, you are allowed to characterize it. New York is Ours, not mine or yours. Have you cried on Mass Transportation and someone's attitude toward you was beautifully tranquil or liminally irritating? That's "so New York." Do you think this "Change" slogan, which was more of a word that rose from longing (Obama you Jesus Christ you :) :) ) and became a call, is perhaps becoming a Tangible Ethos in the City after eight years that you're quite sure felt "post September Eleventh" - and by that I mean Sad, Struggling. Do you have enough friends who still feel that they're struggling to think it's bullshit of you to say The Times They are a Changin'? I do, but I'm allowed to because this is my point. Living here is all it takes to be allowed to characterize the city entire. I think creative juices are flowing. I think money's getting shaken up. I know Bloomberg will win the mayoral but I trust that some perverted tiny pebble of liberalism I sense in his character (he's a New Yorker after all) will prevail in certain places. He wants to avoid the 70's coming back at all costs. What if we change to something un70's un80's un90's and certainly un 2001-2008 where there are avenues for people to turn their struggles into different lives in a New City. With the best architecture hands down by the way.

Hmmm... I think I need my notes to write more. Maybe I'll write about my personal life now for a bit and then try to say it's emblematic of the entire New York Zeitgeist. ???? I don't like that idea too much.

:) :) :)

Happy Wednesday. It's Pouring here.

love
Alexis

It's the blog of the season of blogging

What to tell you? This blog is old. We've seen me though so much - I could tell you my thoughts on topics. I shan't.

I have a mouse. I saw him over a week ago. I talked to realtor/landlord about it more than once. Nothing came of that though our ceonversations seemed like they were founded on mutual understanding about getting an exterminator. I guess it is for me to lay traps. I have not. Will I tonight? Doubtful.

Things that sound like a mouse when you are listening for him:

1) Rain
2) The Radiator
3) Nothing

There was also at the same time a problem with mosquitos. I had seen the mouse. I went to sleep, I woke up at 3am and had itchy bites on my hand and shoulder. The greatest fear of all, that of bedbugs, gripped me. How happy I was to hear the buzzing in my ear of a baby mosquito after lying awake twenty minutes wondering if I had it in me to put everything I own in a dryer again.

When mosquitos buzz in my ear I slap my own head.

Long story short, hopefully, after a few nights one of the mosquitos had grown large - I saw him on the wall and I killed him. There was another medium sizer buzzing about later. Unclear if I killed him or not. I tried with my hands. I thought I'd won the battle - I slept unbitten. I spent a night away from my place (ooooooooooo) and figured now if any were left they'd have died, starved of blood (but could they have found mouse blood?) then I awoke, two nights ago to a big buzzing of a big guy who per the fact I had been dreaming, was enornous, cartoonish, and wears sunglasses.

I did something that is typically ineffective against mosquitos which was move to the living room and slept there. It worked. I was unbitten, unwoken by further buzzing.

Last night I slept on the couch again. Again I am safe. Should I return to my bed tonight, will I be bitten? Remains to be seen.

Everything else is fine. It's a rainy day here. I don't want to talk about boys or my amazing laziness if you don't mind. I am unassigned at work and will read for a while now.

Sometimes I should talk about rent control. Maybe later today. :)

XOXOXOXOX love and love and love
Alexis

wow

So I'm still feeling happy everyone. I need to write a little essay which perhaps even in the coming hours I'll test run on here. In the meantime, know this - I want that essay to consolidate some feelings on life and New York and spirit. I may be curating a few pages of a magazine.. maybe. I looked to the geniuses I know for material and found my friend K's blog. It is this www.pinkotown.wordpress.com

Yeah. Secret blogs. That's where the Writing is nowadays = not the thesis. but true.

uh

I'm very very tired.

Yesterday was this event. It was a beautiful beautiful thing that I MUST describe to you. Afterwards was some partying - some love of the not sex kind. Today I wrote a five minute scene that goes in nothing. I'm sapped though and, um, this kind of partying is draining and weird making. Also the weather figures large.

Oh so articulate!

So yesterday was this big event - the Free Night of Theater event in Union Square. J produced it this year and it was going to be just gorgeous. All these yellow umbrellas - a great stage, flatscreens, booths, and the speakers wre out of control -the head of The Public Theater (and that's also Shakespeare in the Park - and this year Hair went from Shakespeare in the Park to Broadway) and Eric Bogosian and I'm just getting started and then performances by very very talented people. So then it poured. I mean poured. Which everyone knew was going to happen but what to do was extrememly unclear. And then J did this impossible thing of getting the Union Square Theater to host it. She did it with the best phonecall she's ever done by her own account. It was pretty amazing. She made it happen. Later she told us that while she was on the phone her walkie talking was going 'Umbrellas DOWN Umbrellas DOWN."

Then is the part where I stand in the rain with a sign about the relocation for a good while.

Then I got to the new theater - and was not needed - J and her collaborator pulled it off so amazingly and all these people still showed up - hell or high water- high water literally...

And the first speaker I saw talked about the USAs cultural budget - it's 145 million. And Iraq's - which Iraqis are dismayed is now only 85 million and wanted us to consider that the cultural budget of the country we occupied is half of that of our Empire. And then he talked about the tendency to think if only we were oppressed then we'd make amazing art and wanted to stress that artists are opressed - he is very good - he said if you're an artist and you feel like you need to make it hobby, feel like you can't breathe, feel like there's a boot on your neck that's becasue there IS a boot on your neck. Okay.

Then Maya Azucena sang Hallelujah - hers is the most beautiful ever. No words for it.

The performances were lovely and so many of the speakers addressed how this day was going on in spite of it no longer being the original intended event (it became a day sort of about the day existing - since it was no longer in any way an audience development day - it was for the sake of it happening.) Oskar Eustis spoke about Mother Courage in the rain - how it poured and they called the show but the performers, Meryl Streep was Mother Courage - insisted on doing it anyway, on doing it unmicd if electrocution was such a big deal. And how the audience stayed and how when it was all said and done everyone applauded eachother - cast applauded audience and audience cast and how only Theater is Theater basically.

It was very inspiring.

I am so tired. It was a lovely theater only theater is theater thing.

J really did the impossible. She must be so tired. For my part, I'm just weird tired. And busy and a little confused but it was a really beautiful thing I'm glad I took the day off for. And that's saying something to be glad you stood in the freezing rain on your last half personal day half vacation day combined possible for the year.

XOXO
Alexis

Honestly

When I'm happy I have nothing to say. Self-involvement makes for better reading when it's tortured. There's a reason people act melodramatic. :)

Anyway - I guess the bad news is a I discovered I really can't see from a distance. I've been discovering this for a long long time, but it really hit home unable to see faces without wrinkle and head ache making eye squinting in a decent mezzanine seat in The Samuel Friedman Theater seeing "The Royal Family." Of course decent rather than excellent mezzanine seats always sort of suck - this is known so... that. I made an eye doctor appointment so yes. And the main point about this is that Kelly's employer should give her better comp tickets. Really - she said they never give her the good comps and that right there has got to change. Obviously it's perfectly awesome for me that she works for the company that seems to have the shows I most want to see and she gets comps to previews and asks me! Not complaining - just musings on not being able to see faces and that really affecting how close you feel to the show. Happiness makes me note the obvious in really boring ways I think guys. I feel closer when I'm closer. I'm so glad I'm bringing you into my world.

After The Royal Family, I rushed downtown for more free tickets. Now this I wish you could have been there for, all of you. It was this variety show with this guy John Wesley Harding emceeing and the guests were Tanya Donnelly !!!! and Martha Plimpton sang Thunder Road very well and then John Wesley Harding made jokes about being really impressed by her songwriting but maybe it was a little pompous - he has an accent that is making his whole life work. So anyway - the sensation - what with the Tanya Donnelly Being There aspect - was of going to the coolest high school in the world where the talent shows are the bomba cabarets just like you were alyways imagining for back then and it's still the mid 90's oh my God I have everything I want I'm just chillin with a vodka soda at this cabaret with not ready for primetime bandsters of the sound I know and love. It was rad.

Then I got a few hours of sleep and came to work and did noooothing (read some "Burr"). Then all service to Astoria was suspended after work after I bought the most incredible lipstick in a silver case with a flip up mirror. Happiness also results from or results in some super consumerism from Miss America here. (Oh, then I walked to 42nd street for the 7, went to Queens Plaza - STILL no service to Ditmars, left, skipped the supposed "Q101" bus service people were 12 deep for, and walked off the 3 lunches left over from meetings at work that I ate earlier.)

i am not the deepest. i am not the smartest. But I'm doing up Fall with the imagining new starts and loving the weather and wearing the sweaters and seeing shows and this whole post is just like knock on wood.

XOXOXOX
A

hmmm

today I would just like to use this blog to brag about the incredible amount of culture I have been getting.

But I'm too tired to do so because I was out getting it last night til 2am.

soon...

xoA

Duane Reade

succeeded in creating a clever subway ad. Congratulations to Duane Reade! It goes:

You know the A, C, and E are also vitamins.

Very clever! Good on them.

xoA

I feel all pent up and crazy

My energy is all scattered. Am I happy? I'm not not happy but I'm full of energy man and it's scattered.

On Tuesday, after I blogged, this therapist I was internet dating emailed an email called "amends" explaining that he was sorry he dropped off the planet, liked me - it was because he liked me? And I was all - oh, weird- you do that? you don't call because you like someone and you're scared (I've heard that's a myth.) Anyhow it has to do with his psychiatric ex-girlfriend this response of his. We wrote long emails all day...
you know what I can't even do this - I'm too scattered - I've seen a bunch of people, I've given up on the one guy I really want to sleep with - I've been juggling dates - when one stands me up I call another, when I stand one up, he calls another. I have a million things I could work on and work on none. What I want is a watch the leaves change vacation with a hot great in bed boy and to hike, nap, and do it. In the absence of that I have internet dates, friends, and not doing the applying for jobs, writing books, producing my own play, stuff I guess I "should." I've had too much coffee already. I'm in such a RARIN TO GO mood. Somebody slap me. I forgot to wear a slip today and had to spend too much money on one so as not to be effectively naked at work. happy Thursday. should fire my therapist tonight but I probably won't. Will just give him the update I'm far too insane to give you through typing right now.

love
me

Well la la la at least I can probably just blog all day as a result of this "I'm coming in 3 hours late on Tuesday" declaration. Truth be told, as ironic and pathetic as I made it seem, I did know, sex or no sex, that it was a recipe for not having to do anything today at the office and how can that be bad?

The late morning subway ride into Manhattan was very restorative. Which brings me to : I wanna get back to: a little something I want to say to KFR.

Have you heard of Lars Van Trier?

Did you like Dogville?

yes it was VERY good but wasn't that annoying to have made a movie about America without ever having been here where the idea was it's a place where everyone is nice to you and then eventually you are completely enslaved by them.

Anyhow KFR yes yes yes you only want to live in non-central places but you don't know about 11:45am Tuesday subway rides here where it's not rush hour and it's humid yet Fall. They are so good, and the fact that you're swimming a bit in thoughts about how you're giving up on this guy, yes, you're giving up - it's already too fraught and you on the asking end, and you won't call wait you might just say blah blah blah--- on the subway at 11:45am I can't explain it- this feels fine and good - everyone's lost in thoughts - you're smiling at these burkhad Muslim girls and their burkhad Mom - and they're all smiling back and kind of even acting a little for you (girl one, making fun of probably her sister who seems to be more of a futzing-with-her-stuff-kind-of-person than girl one: "you see what I'm talking about??? You're seeing this?" ) in this real New York-y dare I say jew-y way (it's all the same- I love it) You're being watched thinking by some guy who appears to definitely be thinking about what you're thinking. You're wondering if you can arrange these thoughts into some kind of stand up act becasue if occasional fucking in New York can be this round-spinning and frustrating then bombing with a stand-up act would just be what? fun perhaps in contrast.

Yes, anyhow, it's good stuff and I never want to hear anyone knock New York but me and then I'll apologize later and you know it.

Another thought it feels good to have when I feel all spun around and maybe a little lonely (starting Sunday I've been feeling a little lonely- who fucking knows. I really wanted to sleep with this guy again.) is Jesus Christ thank fucking Christ I'm not in high school anymore. God was that awful. I mean I know I've had some tough times the past couple years and for reference there's this blog here, but Oh My God oh thank you God for my own apartment and three hours off work to just feel shitty and talk to myself and walk through different rooms saying crazy shit out loud to myself, freaking out, but never ever being 15 again. I know all the blah blah blah shit about my potential and all but there's a part of my heart, very tiny, that actually - I can't believe I'm saying this - there is a secretarial part of my heart. it is very very small. But it's the part that thanks God I have to go into the city, that wants to see my coworkers for some reason, that doesn't want a lot more than to answer the phone for a few hours and just be friendly and kill the day like that.

The shoes around here and the clothes at J Crew and the jewelry look fucking fantastic and yes I said at J Crew.

Do you understand my theme here? This is a mid Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur blogging. It's about longing unfulfilled, gratefulness for the city, for the season, for independence, for busy work, for black ankle boots, for long amber necklaces, long cardigans, paisleid blouses, the privacy to talk to yourself, the spendidness of a brain to drive youself insane with. My body looks good and my hair looks nice and you can surely imagine what it's like for me wanting to strip tease a little J Crew strip tease (not that J Crew clothes have ever ever fit me properly - just let me go here) for a very reticent magician when for some reason this seems not to have occured to him.

But I'm just happy to have feelings whenever I have them and not have to live in New jersey with my parents do you see?

It's possible

that this isn't even funny - my current situation. Also it's involved. Myfriendh already knows alllllll about it (skip this one Myfriendh if you are reading - you already know all about it! ;) ) I mean it's kind of funny and I knew my odds were bad but did it anyway. I'm at home because I did some overtime last week and asked for it back in 3 vacation hours this morning thinking that knowing what I did about a certain someone's schedule maybe we'd be staying up late together last night...... or rolling all around now..... but see where I am? see what I'm doing?

I'm pretty deep in he's just not that into you land. I think this land is very very confusing when the sex was good.

It's funny. I don't even know what I want. For example, at first suggestions that this boy seemed to kind of like me my reaction was A) that's not clear and B) he seems kind of preoccupied in a way I don't feel qualified to qualify - don't know what it is, but I wouldn't get too excited. also he;s a magician. I don't know what my stereotype of that might be - but .... that's his main profession so broke? close to broke? That's okay if he's a little broke. Just it was a convenient thing to use with myself to keep myself uninterested. He's a magician. Not a musician.

Anyway, even after he and i had this night that I thought was really really fun, for a couple days I was still like, well that was fun, but I don't think he's boyfriend material. He seems a little preoccupied in a funny way.

Cut to a few days later with no phone calls and I've decided he's preoccupied acting because still waters run deep or something. I mean he's gone ahead and proved my initail reacotion and now I wish it weren't true.

Honestly, the night I went home with him I caught him staring at me and stuff like I was the greatest thing he'd ever seen. What happened?

And What Do I Do? that's the thought I'm doomed to go over and over until I do something - i guess because he and I are life opposites, which is probably what intrigues me so. He clearly loves doing nothing about stuff specifically sexual attraction. I can't live sanely until I do something.

I've already inititaed every post seeing eachother text with him. He always responds, almost never with something you can respond much to in return. So Thursday, I say wanna fuck? Or Friday I say Call me? I think I'm arranging an internet date for Friday.

I mean if this guy got the picture he'd realize it's not like I'm going to wait around on silence right? or beg is this begging? Oh now I want to cry! (which would be nice actually. I'm so frustrated

love
Alexis

more soon on exactly this same topic I presume

I am very happy

Imaginez ca! The only thing I'm unhappy about is that I'm procrastinating - but maybe at around 3:30 / 4:00 I'll write a couple awesome emails regarding show-I'm-producing and feel better.

Text sent to me from my sister at 8:27:05 this morning: "Always finding new levels on which I can't stand mom"

Remember my recent blog post about hating to hate my mother before 9am? Solidarity! Solidarity in Angst - it grows the heart - it warms the heart to the bottom of its very cockles.

I went on a really really passable date last night. That went like this: virtually no conversation on the internet service because I'm tired of it - he lives in my neighborhood- so last week I was just like Monday - let's do this. Exchange of phone numbers. He called yesterday while I was frantically finally getting my computer back in business at home, trying to prepare to make a soup when I haven't cooked in years, doing some emailing that had to be done, starting up the shower. Well, I hated his voice and I thought I was going to hate him because he was all "are we still on for 8:00?" and I was all NO that's way too soon - didn't I just say I'm in the middle of a bunch of things? - frantic and wondering why I'd ever thought it was a good idea to go out with this ed norton face freak who lives in Queens on a Monday night. He's kinda great though. I live to find fault (hate this about myself and struggle with throughout every first date) so I managed to find a few but, like I said, really really passable. He went for the kisses - he's not an insecure mess who cared if they were awkward or not, he drinks, he smokes, and he spends sundays bicycling 70 - 80 miles!! He designs furniture. He went to school for cabinet making - and now he does that for big name label corporate-ly and is proud about it 'cause he took his craft & skillz and brought them to New York i.e. out of Michigan. He confuses Augustus with Thomas Aquinas and for this reason we will probably be watching us some I,Claudius in the near future.

Maybe I had a good date because a pigeon shat on me on the way to work on Monday morning.

But everything is really good with me right now -- call it the end of summer, and I do. I had to just shake my head as we finished our date at the beer garden and tell him "My life is really just wonderful right now." It's true! I love dating when I'm happy.

And oh, there are other guys too!

And ideas, and good news about the show, and I'm just happy which is nice to blog when I'm not furious/ snide.

Oh but Chrissy - I'm going to a camping wedding this weekend which I'm thinking I feel about like you would feel about. I was telling my coworker friend and she said, "You should tell them you don't really want to feel like a Duggard this weekend" as in that kidnapped girl. I thought of you.

XOXOX

Aint life funny

Moods I mean. I just think it's funny how sometimes for stetches of time I feel hopeful and excited and full of energy and then, nothing has to change, and I'm much more tired and wishing for sweet nothing. Up and down and up and down but always I hope at least kind of moderate.

lemme do another one

The last one isn't kind. I need to call not my mother but the other person and tell him those things explicitly I think so that it's honest more than pure complainy.

We get a lot of that around here. Me disappointed about people and venting, identifying the nugget of disappointment.

It's one of those overcast days where it's nice to blog.

On the train this morning, when it left the station, this women fell in the craziet way where she just kept falling. As everyone was freaking out trying to help her, this guy who was seated managed to spill his hash browns on the floor, then spill orange juice all over the long row-style seat. He was so embarassed. But he also had some kind of condition where his uppoer body was too short to reach down and pick up anything. He tried leaning against the pole, and when he did this, he had to raise a foot to lean over, but even then he couldn't pick up the hash brown. The whole thing was so ridiculous. It would be kind of absurd to think that this sort of event - a car-wide loss of mtor skills was a harbiger but it's also just the way of the world, absolutely, to think to oneself "oh - it's that kind of day. Keep your eyes open!"

Life would be so perfect if I were going home to be turned into a vampire by Eric from everyone's favorite True Blood.

titleless

Good things:

Today I am working for someone who sends a lot of emails that say "remind me." I like this. It is like a game. The simplest game in the world. He walks by. I remind him of the thing he emailed me to remind him. It hearkens to a game I played with most of my baby siblings as they joyfully each one of them, at about age 9 months, invented it as if they were the first. Good old "throw it down and pick it up."

Bad thing?

This is my adult life?

This is going to be itemized nonsense from here on out.

I am allergic to New Jersey. Whether my mom's house or my dad's house if I go there my eyes itch and tear for a week after, claritin or no claritin and it blows.

My mother is so obnoxious, really. Eventhough she claims to have mourned me for dead since I was 17, she is gathering us all to P-ton to take the christmas picture Saturday. She is so blatant. All she cares about is that damn picture. This is partially Ben's fault. She called me about how we won't have a x-mas picture this year (for the reeeally dead years, my mother inserted the kids' au pair as me in the picture - I liked that!) and said there was one from Key West we could use and I said fine. I didn't need to see it. Almost as long as she's been sending them, I've hated how I look in whichever one goes out; I don't know the people she sends it to to prove that she has killed none of her children this year, (I didn't say the "to prove she hasn't killed us" part to her) why would I care this year - go on and send it. But apparently Ben didn't like how he looked so we're doing this on Saturday.

I was over that - but then she sent me a millionth friend request on facebook this morning. We've had this conversation soooooo many times.

It is annoying to wake up not thinking about my mother and have another one of these little "I am worried that it looks like I'm not a great mother" things from her. This is all I get from her aside from phonecalls when I'm at work where she goes on and on and on about where Maddie is going to college where my sole repeated line is "She's great Mom; she's gonna be great. That's great. She'll be great." Super annoying because my mom had this kid convinced she was learning disabled for a while, while I protested that she is in fact a genius. My mom now thinks she's a genius but forgets that this is what I've been saying from the beginning.

Meanwhile just a couple months ago we had it all out email style and she gave me a full on breakdown. Well, the beat goes on.

I want to see Ben off before he returns to college and see Maddie and Steph anyway. So whatevs. It will be fun. Hopefully the picture part is fast.

Yeah I have nothing but complaints today.

-redacted-

What a mood I'm in. Dating is actaully fun and fine. I'm enjoying myself and there seem to be some interesting people on this website and no rush except I really want to have sex my body is frickin mad for it!

love
Alexis

fantasy corner (this is going to be fun)

I, Alexis, am Queen of All. I am in the cavernous hall of my castle where I daily receive my advisors, sometimes dignitaries, et al. It's cold dark and damp. I am wearing a really comfortable floor length gown though and of course a huge blue velvet robe with the royal black-spotted white ermine trim. I am the Queen of All. My advisors and aides are all around me... I pull my robe very satisfyingly to me as it is really so damp dark and cold. The torches that light the room are a distance away and throw no heat, only flattering light.

Me, Queen of All: Does it seem less than befitting that the Queen of All suffers this morning from a hangover derived of consuming six corona lights and no dinner?

Advisor1: It does your Majesty!

Advisor2: How could this have happened your Majesty?!

Me, Queen of All: Well, it just happened. Relax- it happened and now you just have to chill a little this morning because I'm useless - capeesh?

Advisor1: Let your majesty please never say such a thing about her most perfect imperial self.

Me: Yeah you're right. Okay. We are ready to rule. Tell us of the principality of New York City and We shall make decrees.

Advisor2: Your highest holiest perfect, as you have ruled it, I shall now tell you of the advertisements currently on display in the cars of the N train running from Ditmars Blvd to Coney Island, this month of your excellent year two thousand and 9.

Me: Go.

Advisor2: Duane Reade, the pharmacy, has an ad up that shows a picture of the selfsame type of train car that the rider is in - featuring most prominently the pole that riders must hold as not to fall while the train is in motion.

Me: I'm familiar. Go on. Text?

Advisor 2: There is text. It reads 'there are a gazillion germs on the pole that you're holding".

Me: Not, "There are, like a gazillion germs on that pole that you're holding"?

Advisor2 (very flustered): your majesty, I,... I just... I don't for certain recall, I...

Me: Why do I have advisors if you can't even recall the very things I need you to recall for my daily briefing and consequent judgement?

Advisor2: It is so very shamefull your Highness.

Me: Well it's alright this time. I know my judgment irregardless. Where is the executive advertisement team that created this? Bring them in.

(without fanfare, the executive team is brought in before Me)

Me: I sentence you all to death. It is that simple and if I needed to be sorry, ever, in this life, this might be a moment in which I would feel that - it is, at any rate, irrelevant. To be clear, you know that under my reign there is a zero tolerance policy for confounding obnoxious subway promotions that, if they could think would think they were cute. They are never cute. Of course there are millions of germs on the pole. You executives well know, educated as you are, that it's a matter of the immune system being able to fight all those itty bitty germs that are unintegrated into a larger organism -- such have people lived in filthy New York for all the years New York has been there. Well I shan't waste my breath. You knew the rule. You broke the rule. And now you die. Problems and complications arrising from your death I will rule on as they arise and no earlier. Face Death bravely. You shall have a last meal.

(they are led out)

Advisor1: are you comfortable your majesty?

Me: Yes very. Well I want lunch.

Advisor1: yes we've already called for the chilled roasted red pepper vich....

(Advisor2 frantically waves his arms for Advisor1 to stop speaking)

Me: What is it?

Advisor 1: your most holiest majesty - they are not serving roasted red pepper Vichysoise today... (he offers his neck for his head to be cut off)

Me: (I reach for my scepter) Kindly remove your neck from the boards before my feet. No matter what I do, I will always be surrounded by fools. I'm not going to kill you over the vichysoise. But MARK THIS DECREE: ALWAYS PREPARE THE VICHYSOISE.

Advisor1: Please most blessed perfect one: I am so curious... I must know... why are you so generous charitable beautiful?

Me: No one knows. Act of God.

Advisor1: Oh it is certainly so. And... and your majesty -- why are you so particularly forgiving generous magnanimous to a point approaching the most pure and holy... when it comes to Hale and Hearty Soup.

Me: Oh I've told you a hundred times you imbecile, you fool, you wretched dog: because they are nice there. And half the soups, and there are many, are delicious. Send them a letter. Tell them this. And of course the decree. For them I've done the unthinkable : I have ordered a decree twice.

Advisor2: Yes your most perfect beautiful majesty.

XOXO
Alexis

I may start wearing a pillow under my shirt and drawing on an eyeliner mustache and you can call me Alceste

I did "The Misanthrope" in college freshman year. I don't remember any of my lines. I didn't have the female lead. I was a reporter on celebrities and it would be weird if I remembered my lines because it was an updated piece, and my lines were probably the furthest from Moliere's perfect stuff. They were more these monologues that had to reach orgasmic climaxes of thrilled tabloid-news gathering, and that's all I can tell you.

Anyway, I also don't remember because my memory's not that good. There's only one line I remember and that's to come...

I was thinking about the Misanthrope this morning because I am one. I was trying to remember the plot. I should probably read it (but how can I read when I need to write?! ... and go to work! ... and date! - time to date before someone else gets my boyfriend!) :) because all I got is vague memories of this updated version where Alceste never changed? Has no arc? That can't be right. He must not love the girl at the beginning. Anyway, at the end he definitely loves her, as does all society, but he still hates all society, and pleads with her to come away with him and she says:

"I'm only twenty! I'd be terrified...
Just you and me and all that countryside..."

Isn't that the prettiest? I defy you to ever forget that line. It's perfect. It's in every version. I think I've checked at some point. The cadence of it makes for the easiest comedic inflection/ expression into "you" and "me" .. it's just a perfect rhyming line.

It takes time to come around to you and me and all that countryside. And in The Misanthrope it takes not a particular penchant for the bucolic, but instead an unequivocal acceptance of one's own disgust. Of course this girl is totally lost to Alceste. She's the toast of the town. How is she going to walk away from that?

Good play. Columbia's doing it somewhere now. Jeez can I bring myself to buy a ticket from Columbia when they always reject me? sigh...I probably can...

XOXO

status

... has obviously been so paranoid because has herself been so judgmental. Feels repentant. Feels sorry.

okay okay New York New York alright alright

Well I'm back in my city, freaked out paranoid at work and bigmouthed to my own detriment as always. New York Innovative Theater Nomination Party last night. Felt really awkward somehow but theater, and esp. theater party-going, often does - apparently I seemed obviously dissapointed that I wasn't going home with anyone at the after-drinks. Ok, Embarassing. Oh and introduced myself to the literary director who I interviewed about my play with a day or two before Italy (and have met numerous times) because she'd changed her hair and there were so many people and I wasn't thinking. It's like le semaine de faux pas. I feel like I should have been consulting my horroscopes in the mornings this past week or something. What am I doing?

A) I'm getting reeeallly misanthropic. B) people are getting even worse.


I went for cigarettes an hour ago. At the newstand a guy was picking a drink. The man behind the counter told him to leave the fridge door closed while he was choosing. I kinda made a little in-the-know this-guy's-a-little-controlling face at the guy at the fridge. I don't know why. Just faces, making faces. The guy made a big fight out of it then though and it ends with "...faggit! I know when you close here too..." "Asshole!" and then the guy threw his cranberry juice on the sidewalk in anger throwing away the entirety of what he'd just bought. People are all weird this week.

I'm going to internet date when I get around to it again this summer to make sure at the least there's some sex happening. If I really like the person I won't have sex on the first date. That's that strategy in a nutshell - as you know talk of strategizing makes me upset.

Love my friends. Kind of unsure where I stand with theater company. I'm pretending I'm into awards and I'm really not at all into awards. Maybe I shouldn't p[retend stuff. Should shouldn't everyone weird, people just awful. In its own way a beautiful city. The End.

Can I keep him?

I've been sending my travelogue of Italy to KFR- but only got as far as our last night on the island of Ischia in a mad desire to communicate how adventuresome, romantic, and at times outside of reality, dramatic and insane it all was. This picture has some great scenery in my opinion but Ischia is a lush volcano top in the mediterranean-- a normal person would probably have some pictures of that scenery up here too, but I prioritized. ;)

So I could post those travelogue-y emails but KFR thinks I should turn them into off-the-cuff romance novels quick and start making some money off this whole loggorhea of mine. I think my ideas lose energy when I blog them. It's weird how I can have overexposure to my own thoughts and excitements. So at least for now I am not blogging up the Italian adventure. I am turning it into a romance novel and I expect KFR will not be welching on editing.

I missed you. This was a really great thing for me this trip. Travel is like more fun prozac I think KFR.

love and love and love and love
A

I've confessed I didn't understand my credit card, now...

I do not care that Michael Jackson is dead eventhough I don't dispute he was the "soundtrack of our childhood" as evvvveryone is pointing out. The best part of the 80's party is always ALWAYS when Billie Jean comes on and the whole thing takes off 35 minutes before that with PYT. Oh, I know... absolutely no one is arguing against that here.

My favorite songs in 1985, however, were "I Just Called to Say I Love You" and "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun."

Pop music is so rad when you're four/five because the sentiments are on a par with, like, sesame street. I totally called to say I love you when I was four - that was the main reason I ever got on a phone... and I definitely just wanted to have fun! Do you see? These were my favorite songs because I KNEW WHAT THEY MEANT. When they came on in the pizzareia, getting up on my chair and singing came as natural as the day was long. And the days were long... because I was four.

My other favorite song was "Invisible Touch" - maybe two years later... this was because my discerning musical taste was developing into an appreciation for the complexities of prog rock I guess. You know when "she grabs right hold of your heart" though? Yeah - I thought that was "that's my pony of heart." Being six, no one had ever really grabbbed hold of my heart. I did however have a concept of ponies being of something. They were "of" the design on their ass. Yeah? you hear me out there ladies? hahahaha

You know what song I love a lot now? "Human Nature." I feel nothing about this death though. I felt sad about George Harrison. I think it's the difference between feeling like you know the person and love the music and feeling like you love the music and the dancing and all but don't know the person and also is his child really named Blanket?

Outrageous!

Okay I am sooo late to this, AND it makes me look like a fool, but oh my God the bank is completely Fucking Me Over and I had No Idea.

I've long noticed that my credit card is not what I thought a credit card was because I have to pay back the whole amount in order to have credit to that amount, and it's a low amount so it's kind of a joke. Sometime in the past someone told me that the key to a credit card is paying back double the minimum each month and you're always square. This is not true at all! Did you know that? I think everyone knew that but me.

So, understanding that my understanding was confused I went there, thinking that what I wanted was for them to extend my limit. I effing always pay double the minimum on that thing so... time to shine, go to the bank, yes? NO. NO. I get the populist outrage better than ever. You might be interested to know that whatever outstanding balance I have any given 10th day of the month I am charged 27.something% on that- every month. Hunh - okay -- well can you stop that - lower that interest rate then, bank? No they'd rather not. Have a nice day bank. That's fabulous.

So it turns out what I have is a card that if I use it for any amount at all I'd better, before 30 days go by, pay back exactly that much. (well - if it's the ninth of the month I think I have to pay it back THAT DAY - not even possible) I could swear I've been jacked even worse now that I'm looking at how many times they claim this has happened, and given that I've paid it to zero plenty of times too, but how can I prove it? It seems impossible to prove. The other kicker was that the bank guy's big suggestion was opening up another card. That's rich.

Everyone in the world already knows this so I just feel dumb. But glad I know now. I guess the thing is to use it on a cup of coffee once a month and pay that back "to zero" every month for a year. Everyone already knew this crap! This really is a confessional blog.

Anyway - in the end it isn't that bad -- smoking cigarettes is depleting my funds a lot lot more, but maybe you're impressed that a girl could live and work in New York and not understand her own credit card for so long.

Live and learn. In other blog news I will be e-asking-out that cute younger co-worker right before I embark for Italy - all emailing this: "Hi, July 15 my friend and my brother and I are having ask-someone-(cute)-to-a-show-night. I'm leaving for Italy tomorrow, but we're going to Southpaw for motown/soul bands July 15, once I'm back. Officially inviting you, A."

Scary hunh - and use the work emails? or try to do it on facebook? It's no big thing and I'd say the trip to Italy should pretty effectively take the edge off (for me.) Do you think I should take out the "(cute)"?

MMmmmmm I'm going to Italy.

Love
Alexis

Agenda

Clean my room
Gather drycleaning
take to dry cleaner
continue on to staples
buy paper, ink, camera battery charger (gddammit - where is it?)
come home - print out play
go to soho spa for spray tan
reread play en route - think sophisticatedly about and also creatively
turn golden and lovely with spray
go to interview regarding workshopping said play
dinner with "model" who is kinda strange but hey, dinner

that is all

Before I begin, a confession - I still think life is better with a work crush in spite of all that that has wrought in the past. Also, I have a totally conventional fantasy about such types, and it is one of my favorites. So there's this one at my work now - oh he's just edible I tell you! CUTE. - research revealed he is probably 24yo as he graduated in '06! He has a cute cute face and wears glasses and I fantasize about being his girlfriend. I imagine having sex with him, and sweet intelligent pillow talk, and then doing moderately athletic things with him on weekends, and having a wedding where I dance with my dad and everyone is pleased to death that I met the upwardly mobile, masculine yet sensitive, beautiful boy to spend my life with. THIS IS TRUE. You can stop being my friend if you have to but I really hope you won't.

love
Alexis

People really underrate

chain smoking, tunes, and screwdrivers at the homestead at 4:00pm. (I might overrate chain smoking, tunes, and screwdrivers at 4am. hee - it's happened once but, truth be told 2:00am is where the real danger is.)

That is all?

KILL CORPORATE

Honestly please - somebody kill corporate. We have Barack Obama now can we please have some kind of actual killing corporate. Do I have to write about it? Most likely not. You know what it's like. I'm a mad woman this morning. I'm the character in the book raving about the lunatics being sane and the sane people being lunatcis. This whole week man. Your corporate outfits look stupid to me this week corporate people. Also everything that comes out of your mouths. Why don't you do everyone a favor and take a day off and do some fucking drugs? Come in here and say something genuine since original is not a possibility? Buy a paint set or some shit. Break a guitar as you cannot play one. Call out sick shitheads. It's so lame how you don't. The worst of you are the buy-in ones. I've always been really repelled by violence but I think I could enjoy hurting you. Get a goddam sense of humour. people who think they have it all figured out, all self-congratulatory because they eliminated doubt and nuance focusing exclusively on "the bottom line." All having your phone answered. Eat dicks. I want to slap your face with a gun. :) :) :) TGIF.

it's a bloggin week

but it's also a typo week. I pulled something in my thumb? No really. I pulled something in my thumb. This is the second day of thumb cramp.

Okay so I had a nice night last night but I gotta give you the quote of the night which comes in between finishing up at work and going to meet MyfriendH and Megastar to see Backyard TireFire. Remember last week how a guy asked me out on the street and I had a drink with him after work, but he wasn't a real "prospect" so to speak given that he was divorced and had two kids. And said "Everything Copa?" instead of "How are you?" or "Is everything okay?" So the Quote of the night:

Me: So did you have a nice Memorial Day? You said you'd have your kids? You know -I don't know yet what you have in that department -- you know -- a boy and a girl? Two boys? We don't have to talk about that if you don't want to but,

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: Actually I'm still married. And it's three actually. Three kids.

Oh how I laughed. And oh how I tried to order a steak quickly quickly but that would have taken a long time so I just wouldn't let them take the calimari away when they wanted to. (Did he not tip? The instant he paid the check everyone was coming around to take away the food) I was just laughing and laughing - staring off smilng and laughing again and stuffing calimari in my face after that. When I say grotesque sideshow I am not just playing around! Can you believe this sometimes WORKS FOR THIS GUY? I guess I'm naive. A) Never go out with anyone who asks you out. Something is wrong with them. and B) Someone is doing every unbelievable thing under the sun. But come on - it's a little amazing right, and sad, to imagine that sometimes this works. "I'm still married. With three kids. So what do you say? What do you think?" I honestly somewhat enjoyed this experience because I got to say, "I think you've got the wrong girl." which is so movie-ish and fun to say. Try it out loud! I kid you not. It's fun to say.

Oh, an important thing you haven't been told is that I don't hate Josh anymore. He loves my play and wrote me really involved notes about it and encourages me to write more always as his primary thing he says about my writing. So you know, he cried about how he thinks his girlfriend is a six and a half. Fine. And he's got more hang-ups than a california closet. What's new? no need to hate.

Oh xoxoxox I havea nice hangover - maybe i'll tell you more stuff about stuff later -I think I'm cycling back around to cool so that is nice.

A