oh it is so monolithic; it is so epic. I also think it's still, just for the next five hours, within the realm of allowable. I mean to blog now. As if you care, I think I'll kind of ponder quirks of my personality.
And yes, first, what is personality?
Understand, I've been using "okcupid" as my means of procrastination.
Online dating sites tend to feature basically, the Meyers Briggs personality test, but now extended to infinity.
I'm pretty sure I'm like, extroverted, thinking judging feeling or something like that.
but... we've talked about this before. We've talked about everything before. "Which is more romantic: kissing in a tent or kissing in Paris?" Um. Kissing in an airplane when you're scared because of environmental anxiety and anxiety and romance turn out to be a heartbeat alliance. See.. I'm supposed to be at work on my play. :-) but I didn't make it to the coffeeshop. ;-) Dating sites and blog you get!
Enh whatever- I'm just telling you about my life right? Valid. So anyway, I've been real sucked into okcupid and some people are so funny and clever and dark and insane. I forget that I'm looking for love in these internet places and inspect the details of people that are CRAZY.
The crazy people, haha, they implore you: why not? Isn't your mind free? Isn't life LIFE? And my answer is, oh baby, I'll read about you. I don't want to meet you but WRITE. Tell me more Chancellor Foodreallyisn'tthatinterestingtome-Isubsistmostlyonbread. I appreciate that you don't think I should quit smoking.
How weird the internet. I'm not writing to the Chancellor, or Brick_Nipples as he goes by. !
But what I've been doing is turning thirty, home for the holidays, a party hosted by a blog/blogger I'm obsessed with and I was too drunk at (and then so hungover, and now have a cold), thinking about memories a lot, and generationally a bit and therefore I just wanna say, Wow- the internet.
I feel like the answer to how old I am is my step dad worked for Cern and then Fermilab. So when i was five or six I went to Rockefeller University to visit Tom at work and heard the wild "eep" sound and some other sounds and that computers could make noises seemed amazing and like the future. My life was amazing when I was five. Dinosaurs at the Natural History Museum and IBM green-screened machines supposedly telling the scientists data to explain the behavior of sub nuclear particles.
It's a very difference sense of a computer than I have now. I'm not talking about me - I'm talking about the world. I just got a new Macbook Air. It's so light. I can carry it everywhere. I can carry the internet everywhere. It's not a member of our family. But members of our family can show us what they like on it. And there are so many smart people lost in there with you. What I mean is the internet is some big deal stuff. It is science fiction come true, a bit more that the moon landing I think. Brazen statement? I think the way that day to day in America we interect with this system
has a more complex and futuristic meaning than we sent people to the moon? Wait. They're both pretty big deals. Oh god what a genius you have here writing to you. :-D
What if I ever had a point peeps? Hold that thought.
love
Monday, November 29, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Fantastic Time
Funny that my last post was "musta done something wrong" as I just had a weekend that was a real "must have done some things really right."
Speaking of which, it's really important that I write. Today I'm just feeling good and smiling about the trip. I meant to get it all together today theoretically but I might get my excercise by procrastinating writing hours dancing to the cd I got from the street band. Gym n errands tomorrow.
If you're getting real neurotic in New York, I recommend New Orleans.
love
Alexis
Speaking of which, it's really important that I write. Today I'm just feeling good and smiling about the trip. I meant to get it all together today theoretically but I might get my excercise by procrastinating writing hours dancing to the cd I got from the street band. Gym n errands tomorrow.
If you're getting real neurotic in New York, I recommend New Orleans.
love
Alexis
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Okay
I actually did something very wrong in my life and there is a punishing force. As I was finishing that last post a cockroach fell from the ceiling of the kitchen right past my head and he's HUGE and when i stood up going oh my god oh my god it ran away and as I looked for what to kill him with I lost him. AAAAAAAAAAAAA It was huge!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my god oh my god oh my god. :( :( :( !
Using the blog as it was intended
I'm a bit out of sorts. It feels a bit off limits to be worried and sad right now, to write about it, given the extent to which I was convinced and it seems made efforts to convince who might listen that the only thing between me and Happiness was my stupid job, now having been let go.
But lemme tell you I had a hell of a nice night and day after with than handsome smart guy at the bar. And he literally disappeared. He texted over a week ago that he was going out of cell reception for the weekend but still had me on his mind. Since then it seems his phone has been continually actually off. I'm sorry folks but it's a little trying on my spirit. I mean, is he okay? This is why I guess it's good to have a blog. I can do what I want. I can ponder the options*: * He said he was bipolar a bit. Is this his downswing? Completely Off. This is the most likely I guess.
So I should be Glad we had what we had for a night.
The problem with that is, you know, just take deep breaths. I'm lonely and - what's nice right now, typing - is I don't feel *that* bad. I'm trying to tell you how I feel sad, but there is a persistence of happiness in here, in my head I mean. Like I kind of am glad we had what we had for a night. He made me feel beautiful. The sad creeps in when it comes to me being picky. He made me feel beautiful but it's so rare that I let my guard down. It's like I require such a cool charmer. I worry, my friends. I worry there aren't enough of them and the ones who do it well are wont to vaporize.
Thank goodness it's been perfect fall days. But the more lovely the days the more I wonder what happened to him- my international man. We met because he was getting a drink after picking up the last of his stuff from his apartment across the street from the bar. He's just moved, you see, to an apartment which he's renting for $530 a month on the upper east side. He said he'd been to 40 countries. He is having a bit of a crisis because he's 33 and his identity I take it, was something like rockstar world traveller - now he's thinking it might be time to save some money.
So these gorgeous fall days, I've tried to snatch up a few dates from the internet. But... you feel me? Instant chemistry is such a rush. You can't get it again for a little while. Not when it winds up feeling like loss not too long after.
And I know it's dodging a bullet. I know I know. I am attracted to this. It's a pattern and I apologize to the great god of psychology, esp behavioral psychology about that. There's a kind of charisma a guy with an imbalanced repulsion from commitment can do. I'm weak for it. They can go hard with listening and pleasing, smiling and kissing, touching ways of phrasing gratitude. When they leave, you have no idea where they're going. Even if they said it was the upper east side.
I've made him a they. I'll be back on my feet if I'm even off my feet. But, you know, just to whine my whine, the hurt I'd like caressed, soothed, is that it's a real change of shit- no job, days full of potential. I'd like a boyfriend but after "just hitting it off", dates are kind of taxing. I miss the guy I told my life story to who vanished. I can feel it literally taking a lot of energy, telling a date what my plays are like on the way to the wine bar. He's perfectly nice and touches my hand a lot while we both praise Wine for it's ability to aid relaxation. I'm a little out of sorts though.
X
Alexis
But lemme tell you I had a hell of a nice night and day after with than handsome smart guy at the bar. And he literally disappeared. He texted over a week ago that he was going out of cell reception for the weekend but still had me on his mind. Since then it seems his phone has been continually actually off. I'm sorry folks but it's a little trying on my spirit. I mean, is he okay? This is why I guess it's good to have a blog. I can do what I want. I can ponder the options*: * He said he was bipolar a bit. Is this his downswing? Completely Off. This is the most likely I guess.
So I should be Glad we had what we had for a night.
The problem with that is, you know, just take deep breaths. I'm lonely and - what's nice right now, typing - is I don't feel *that* bad. I'm trying to tell you how I feel sad, but there is a persistence of happiness in here, in my head I mean. Like I kind of am glad we had what we had for a night. He made me feel beautiful. The sad creeps in when it comes to me being picky. He made me feel beautiful but it's so rare that I let my guard down. It's like I require such a cool charmer. I worry, my friends. I worry there aren't enough of them and the ones who do it well are wont to vaporize.
Thank goodness it's been perfect fall days. But the more lovely the days the more I wonder what happened to him- my international man. We met because he was getting a drink after picking up the last of his stuff from his apartment across the street from the bar. He's just moved, you see, to an apartment which he's renting for $530 a month on the upper east side. He said he'd been to 40 countries. He is having a bit of a crisis because he's 33 and his identity I take it, was something like rockstar world traveller - now he's thinking it might be time to save some money.
So these gorgeous fall days, I've tried to snatch up a few dates from the internet. But... you feel me? Instant chemistry is such a rush. You can't get it again for a little while. Not when it winds up feeling like loss not too long after.
And I know it's dodging a bullet. I know I know. I am attracted to this. It's a pattern and I apologize to the great god of psychology, esp behavioral psychology about that. There's a kind of charisma a guy with an imbalanced repulsion from commitment can do. I'm weak for it. They can go hard with listening and pleasing, smiling and kissing, touching ways of phrasing gratitude. When they leave, you have no idea where they're going. Even if they said it was the upper east side.
I've made him a they. I'll be back on my feet if I'm even off my feet. But, you know, just to whine my whine, the hurt I'd like caressed, soothed, is that it's a real change of shit- no job, days full of potential. I'd like a boyfriend but after "just hitting it off", dates are kind of taxing. I miss the guy I told my life story to who vanished. I can feel it literally taking a lot of energy, telling a date what my plays are like on the way to the wine bar. He's perfectly nice and touches my hand a lot while we both praise Wine for it's ability to aid relaxation. I'm a little out of sorts though.
X
Alexis
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Last Thursday
I had amazing sex all day. Sex that makes you speak from the heart lying on your back. Kisses. Sweetness. Body having. Body loving.
Now I want to sob from my eyes to my stomach. Unemployment is so much potential. I am overwhelmed. I shouldn't have had coffee late in the day as I did. I'm awake at 2:30 am and I want to sob til I'm exhausted. I feel the fierce pressure to make the most of this and I feel like letting go. Can I let go?
In a week and two days I'll fly to new Orleans to celebrate my 30th birthday in style. Right now it doesn't feel true. What feels true is I can't sleep - some local craft beer doesn't sit well with my stomach and "everything is good" "everything is good" Everything is everything, my stomach is churning and where is my community? I need to find it because I feel a little ill with self.
I will find it. I will do everything. I'm doing my birthday with my dad and carol tomorrow. So some anxiety. Everything and nothing to prove. I want to never go back to corporate. I want to be with my friends. I want to cry til I sleep, not look at the tv. Jeez, I don't want to talk about what I'm going to do now with my parents. I expect everyone can understand that. :-) Now sobbing about nothing - come to me... ?
Now I want to sob from my eyes to my stomach. Unemployment is so much potential. I am overwhelmed. I shouldn't have had coffee late in the day as I did. I'm awake at 2:30 am and I want to sob til I'm exhausted. I feel the fierce pressure to make the most of this and I feel like letting go. Can I let go?
In a week and two days I'll fly to new Orleans to celebrate my 30th birthday in style. Right now it doesn't feel true. What feels true is I can't sleep - some local craft beer doesn't sit well with my stomach and "everything is good" "everything is good" Everything is everything, my stomach is churning and where is my community? I need to find it because I feel a little ill with self.
I will find it. I will do everything. I'm doing my birthday with my dad and carol tomorrow. So some anxiety. Everything and nothing to prove. I want to never go back to corporate. I want to be with my friends. I want to cry til I sleep, not look at the tv. Jeez, I don't want to talk about what I'm going to do now with my parents. I expect everyone can understand that. :-) Now sobbing about nothing - come to me... ?
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