Thursday, July 31, 2008

I'm gonna flood the blog!

Oh -- actually no I'm not -- I thought I'd post now and then even hit you with a rant I wrote at the last writing night about how 24 year old hotties who don't understand my need for prep time can eat a dick because I'm taking care of the whole operation here you dumb fuck and eat it more harder if you don't see how I'd like some blue on my eyes to match my shirt while I enjoy the fruits of my planning, penishead.

However, I left that notebook at home.

And so, I continue my thoughts on the next step for my life, worried that y'all are concerned I'm talking about trying to act again which I'm really not.

things I have been good at in my life. (I am now going to the kitchen for a sec...) more soon.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I have so much to say

And if I do then you will see how hard it is inside my head. I just want to stay up and drink this beer, smoke cigarettes, so I'll try.

I think I made a big decision. I think I will ask for a sabbatical from my job. I hope they don't laugh at me. But I want two months off and I want to go to acting workshops (especially movement!) at night and write in the day and then come back to my job when I freak out about money. There's no reason why not. Even if they won't take me back, I should be able to get back into the workforce. There're jobs aren't there?

I saw a play tonight.

Last week, at this time, I was having all eye-looking-into sex with the guy from work. The next day, I sent him some photos of the wedding weekend I'd gone to a weekend before. I haven't heard from him since then. But today I got to see him cuz I was working front desk ("got to" is sarcastic). I ignored him and he ignored me right back. Professional I suppose, polite.

I put that here begging you to think I'm saying that I want a sabbatical because I'm strung out over the guy and can't stand it.

Actually I want a sabbatical from thinking of my life in these terms as they've been for an age now.

I want to make up a character - I want to make up two and put them in a situation together. But my mind's both cluttered and closed, with my routine, and the narrow prescription I've put on being able to get liberated from it.

KFR may write me that I'm way off -- in a looney state.

I think I'm not, but I'm really scared to ask for the leave.

I have been reading the advice column of a cartoon cat for the last two days.

I think I should take a month or two off for a workshop. Have a reward.

I think I will not write a play now if I continue working there.

Tonight my friend brought me a bag within which were $4000 worth of amazing shoes. She's been working for a shoe advertising company since she graduated college a year ago. I am the new owner of a wardrobe of the most fantastic shoes I now desire a wardrobe of clothes to accompany.

Not for nothing the work guy, don't get me wrong. (I want him to see some of these shoes on me - with sex comes the absolutely most unuseful kind of thinking!)

He would ask me about my writing when he did re-organize his plans enough to see me. Shortly after asking he encouraged me to take the LSAT. It seemed he couldn't understand how I was so smart. When I told him that for early grammar school I atteneded PS 158, he said I was joking. I couldn't understand. I said "Why would I joke about that? What's the joke?" He told me stuff like theater and writing makes a better hobby and I told him, "Yes, I'm well aware."

It is this or law school. There is no way I'm going to law school without a boyfriend, hot and supportive. Sorry dudes, I don't know what wave of feminism that is - no wave I think, but that's where it's at on this cruise ship. (I'm a little high)

I am absolutly exhausted with thinking about myself to this degree and that's why I think the break from work is necessary, not frivolous. I also think I deserve it. Deserving is a funny thing. I don't deserve it more than Iraqi civilians with their lives torn apart or my cabbie just now who has only been in the country for one year and a half and had absolutely no idea how to get to my house. We spoke a little French.

But if I can possibly have it, I may as well to stop thinking about starting a family when the why and the how have yet to appear. And I can do it - somehow I am not from Algeria driving a cab, and dear god I know I'm not a genius. I actually insulted the playwright tonight when I met him, I think, telling him that I understood how he did the timeline so the character was actually alive when that character was dead - he said so immediately. I don't care. I just want to be creative since it's at all feasible, rather than be dressing up at work for the sake of nothing, well, like everything else for the sake of expression but it's pointless to express with your shoes to the financial whizzes who don't understand why people need to be different or, yeah, are addicted to cigarettes.

So sure, the boy has something to do with it. But only that, well mostly that, fuck his improv. Do you know how I understand theater? Do you know how you use it for a hobby? (ha ha -- I'm just pissed. Still all props to people who at least know they need to express themselves somehow. Just not this guy who's dissing me.)

And oh the theater people make me crazy. Truly - how they think you can just not have a job!!! But I just want a couple months. Please.

So that is my plea to get out of myself. I'm not making it twice, right?

love you
Alexis

Monday, July 28, 2008

I have dozens of thoughts

Did you ever get a bug bite on top of a bruise? I think the bug went for it cuz there was blood all spread around under the surface there like a party.

Does loving to sleep make you depressed or can you just love to sleep?

I like to hang out with boys. Other times, I resent how they are stupid. For hanging out, they make me laugh. More on this sometime when I care.

Fashion on the subway this morning very bad aside from one tatooed girl. Other than her, very bad.

People and ideas. Civilization. People and their ideas -- they don't bother thinking about what will happen. America -- interesting idea. Made us all weird and into success and having our own houses and weekends and stuff. I don't think the founding fathers thought about weekends and VCRs and toys for the kids and this whole nuclear family thing but it's a thing hunh? Is anuybody thinking about what's happened because of these fucking blackberries by the way?

Not that committed to making a lot of sense on here this morning.

XOXOX
Alexis

Friday, July 25, 2008

Becasue I'm the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now - so hunt me, because I can take it

No... actaully Batman is those things.

Spoilers - nothing but spoilers here.

Okay, the best parts of this Batman:

1) The Batman's Jawline.
2) As in the last one, the Batmobile. Steals the show every time it seems to me. i'm cuckoo for the Batmobile. It makes me squeal.
3) Heath Ledger's performance

Why I love Batman above all superheros and also superhero movies: (I think most people do. Who compares? Do not say Spiderman because puh-lease, and sometimes you find someone who likes Superman - that's adorable and quaint but that's also patently wrong.)

Batman is so great, and it's particularly exemplified in the Dark Knight, because he, he and Gordon, he and Dent, he and this Morgan Freeman character "Fox", are continually trying to be clever, out-smart, get a step-ahead and failing - not just failing but actually making things much worse, resulting in innocent deaths and guilt that makes life, really, infinitely, harder for them. Interestingly, when characters go "villain" it's not because of guilt. We let Batman shoulder that, becasue Batman's whole deal is that he's the superhero of guilt, can take on more guilt than others -- since he's had a lot of it since back when his parents were shot -- thus he chooses to become Batman (see Batman Begins)- no, they turn villain when they are so hurt they want vengeance. The "good guys" in Batman are carrying wretched amounts of guilt - and they just continue trying in these second-hand-is-ticking scenarios to outsmart the evil mind (Joker Batman movies are the best because Joker is such a comprehensive "evil mind"), and they keep failing. It's so true to the largeness of the idea of a battle between good and evil, Batman is, with all the fuck-ups there-in and all the nice people getting killed. Like even when characters do stupid things, I'll take it because Batman movies are all about these weird moments when your character is tested and you're surprised by the weird result.

Like okay, they leave the 20 year cop w Joker w his handcuffs off. But I thought, well, okay, they figured this is the guy they can leave here -- and they only had two and half second to try to get to the oil-barrell warehouses and had to split up the rest of the force so i can forgive them a split-second best-they-could-do decision - he's not a hothead - so w/ less than 2 seconds, they thought, he's got all this experience and he would not let this guy get away.

But as it turned out -- Joker was a step ahead with the taunting and got under his skin.

I shoud stop - nerding out on Batman. I really want to see it again.

You can find me this morning searching the internet for how it is Commisioner Gordon isn't dead though -- I get the hoax, but I don't get how we saw Joker & his men, turn and shoot at the mayor, and saw C. Gordon jump in the line of fire, and then a little while later he was totally fine. I guess it just grazed him. But since Batman only discovered seconds before that the officers were actaully tied up upstairs and the officers down below were actually joker & co. I don't understand where there was time for this conversation about faking Gordon's death. I guess after the grazing? I guess. I don't mind the story line but that wasn't fair how they wanted me to accept a reversal of what I'd seen without any flashback or anything at all. I'm the most prone to go along with crazy Batman shit of anyone but I just didn't get that which is a bad sign.

Also I thought it was hard to accept so late in the story that Ramirez and that other officer had given up Dent and Rachel to Meroni. As I said, I love Batman the mostest because people aren't who you expect in the moments when their characters are tested but they really didn't show any of the conflict for this and just used it to explain the plot after the fact and that was weak. They should have worked on that to have a more near-perfect movie.

Heath Ledger was so good that it makes you sad. I know we all would have given him lots of massages - we all would have teamed up to give massages 24/7 - so he could get some rest and get his head clear - if we had known it was all so rough on him. Poor Christian Bale is so torn up about it, he apparently beat up his mom.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I have a sickness

and only Christian Bale is the cure.

I was "this close", very very extremely tip of the tongue close, today, to saying to the chinese lady next to me whose paper I was reading over her shoulder "Isn't he beautiful?" when I peeped his photo in there, but I stopped myself.

The other day this woman got on the train and she was completely shrouded including her eyes. A gauzy black ghost. She moved around a lot too.. checking out the map and things. I could not look away. Totally strange because in NYC, this drew more attention than anything else could have. Made me think why are we fighting these people in wars. We obviously have zero understanding of eachother. I could only stare, astonished. Then she floated off. I was relieved because it's weird staring at someone whose eyes you can't see.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

there was one

lady with great accessories - actually two different bags both of which I was significantly envying and yet she had a really awful dress on. (the subway report)

Too many G-damn people on 49th street and 6th avenue at 8:45am. (49th st. report)

I actually DID go out with someone else on Saturday and it was fab - we saw the Broadway musical I wanted to see. WP (work person) called,which disrupted my blow-him-off plan - which was based on him sending texts for me to "watch" - so he swung by the neighorood Sunday - and I told him it's probably gonna fade to black or something soon given that other people ask me what I want to do on Saturday nights and I'm most likely going to follow up on that. He took it in stride.

And then there's even more dating possibilites. Dating discussion is closed on this blog now for a while. I TCOB - there's stuff going on -- I'll complain when there's not and that is the status!

I was going to tell you some other stuff, like what I drank last night but now I'm going down to do front desk.

XO
I love you

Thursday, July 10, 2008

From the elevator

Everyone's fave feature.

Me, looking pretty damn stylish today, holding a canada dry original sparkling seltzer water.

Kinda worse-for-wear maybe 60 year old somewhat jovial but also a little bit "sigh" man in light blue button down and slacks.

Man: What you need is a hypodermic full of scotch so you could drop in that soda and no one would be the wiser.

Glad to know we're on the same page you and me, old dude.

yeah, no , I know...

I know.

What do you think of this guy?

So that guy I was freaking out over (WHY? - because he is my absolute polar opposite and is physically strong)- here is what's transpired since my day of hell.

Umm... he followed through with a phone call Thursday and texts last Sat. morning - he came to Astoria that night, kisses and fun - we went to the beer garden and met my friends - fun stuff - he hates smoking! He hates pot smoking! Hilarious. I am eating it up -- polar opposite!

What a nice night and morning.

End of morning Sunday he got a LITTLE cagey but I kind of made jokes about it. We, at my instigation, tried to make another date, but seeing as he has golf very early on Saturday, and "never knows when [he]'ll have to stay at work til 10:00pm," it was this vague-ish next Saturday night plan that we made, and I also stressed that he needs to call on the telephone and not count running into eachother at work as that.

So he did call last night as he was walking home from an improv rehearsal and this is how that went:

Him: Hi so... uh, how are you - where are you?
Me: The Marriott Residence Inn.
Him: Oh right your writing thing.
Me: Want to come to a party I don't really want to go to that I'm about to go to?
Him: no, no - I have the trainer at 6:30am tomorrow.
Me: Yeah - I don't want to go either that's cool. I mean I am going though. Anyway Where are you?
Him: Walking home from an improv rehearsal..... So the weekend's looking really messy... I have golf first thing in the morning - like I'm literally renting a car at 6:00 in the morning- and then a friend from undergrad is coming in Saturday night...
Me: Oh,.... okay.... and I guess you want to get one-on-one time with you friend...
Him: Well, it'll be like a small group...
Me: Ummm... ok....
Him: So let's just keep it open and watch your texts...
Me: Uhhhh... (nervous laughter)...well... Hey text me at work so I'm not bored.
Him: Well, things have actually been really really hectic at work...
Me: mm. (long pause) well, text me anyway.
Him: Okay watch your texts though.
Me: Well, yeah.

We got off the phone and I realize how annoyed I am.. really annoyed. I called back because I can't take this anymore... he didn't pick up. I got in the cab to go to the party where I'd know no one and would leave after ten minutes without talking to anyone. I called again. I said I couldn't really hear/ talk in the hotel and thought maybe we could talk while I was in the cab.

Me: Have you sent texts I haven't responded to?
Him: No. No, I just meant that I know you have to delete them...
Me: Yeah. So listen I feel like, I feel like if you really wanted to get together and spend time, you'd find a way we could do this... I don't want to... I don't want to...
Him: Well, I'm just having a really hard time planning the weekend. I have this golf thing and I have this friend coming and...

Magically, it is the shortest cab ride ever and this is basically as far as this conversation gets before I have to pay in a big messy hullabaloo and now I am on the humid horrible street. I find a stoop.

Him: Frozen grapes are the greatest idea.
Me: yeah.. yeah.. oh I just read something about fr--
Him: What?
Me: Oh just.. just.. nothing, really...
Him: Just regular green grapes and put them in the freezer... and they are fantastic...
Him: Yeah I just read this thing in the New York Times about frozen blueberries.. I mean it was ten foods you should be eating. Swiss chard, and beets but I don't like beets, and frozen blueberries...
Him: You know where they got that article from?
Me: (I do know but say:) Where?
Him: Men's Health. It's like my Bible.
Me: I'm not surprised - I mean I saw it in your house.
Him: The NY Times takes almost all their Health articles from there.
(Honest to God we now talk about the location of magazine publishers and Conde Nast for a spell.)
Me: I mean, I just.. I think you're putting me in a position here and I...
Him:
Me: I mean, did you tell me to keep my Saturday open?
him: Umm.. no, ithink I just said to keep Saturday real.
Me: (like "to the moon Alice!") oooohooohoooohoo. I am trying not to act crazy here.
Him: I don't want you to act crazy either.
Me: I bet you don't. (deep breath) Well, I just wish.. I just would like... I mean I'm going away a week from Thursday -- God I am really hating New York tonight--- wait... motorcycle... motorcycle... and now this fucking truck is backing up... dammit... anyway... I'm going away next weekend... a week from Thursday my friend from california is flying in and we're renting a car Friday morning and going to this wedding and we won't come back til Sunday... and I would just like to know...
Him:
Me: (exasperated) Honestly, I mean, if you want to get out of it, just get out of it..
Him: I'm not trying to get out of it - it's just I have golf really early on Saturday...
Me: I guess this is all starting to seem pretty needy but...
Him: I'm trying to ignore the neediness...
Me: (gasp)
Him: I'm joking.
Me: Okay. okay but maybe it's needy but...
Him: I'll try to work on it -- now that I know that you're away next weekend... I won't leave you waiting on texts on Saturday
Me: My life is so complicated. I hate it.
Him: I know.

And there you have it. Scene. Life is too cruel. There are 3 different boys/men off the top of my head dying to see me on Saturday night. But I am doomed to be so very one-at-a-time. My idiot therapist who I haven't seen for two weeks thinks that in this situation (which is basically the exact same situation as two weeks ago) what I need to do is go out with one of them on Saturday, but he is obviously a retard that needs to be dismissed/replaced. I don't want to go on some other date on Saturday and so I will not.

The good news is: I remembered this morning, oh yeah!, I am going to get tickets to a show early saturday morning at the TKTS booth and do that in the nighttime. Therefore, when my boyfriend here (ha ha ha) gets in touch about whatever the hell he's doing, I'll truthfully be held up at the theater til whatever time. But the big question is : is it imperative that I toss the whole thing right this second - it would be about the first time I let go someone I was still interested in because screw them and their nonchalance. Do you, my friends, think this is the moment to do it, just do it, my feelings be damned?

God I apologize for this friends. Because it is frickin pitiful, and because it is my heart.

love
Alexis

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

That's right bitches

(you know if you're my reader that I love you -- you're only my bitch cuz you're my reader - who else are my bitches, you see?)

Anyway, that's right bitches-- sometimes I get strung out over guys when I have drunken sex with them and they don't call in a timely way! Oh judge me -- oh call me obsessive -- I am obsessive. Oh call me absurd -- fuck you too!

But anyway, I still haven't finished my actual sentence: That's right bitches sometimes when I get strung out over a guy it goes so far that I can't stop thinking about it and crying on the subway and obsessing all over the place and then I even call an ex who broke up with me and demand comforting. Do they resent it? MAaaaaaybe... Can it possibly matter? Don't you understand yet that nothing matters at all?

I'm going to blog for about four hours this morning -- should be epic. I am working front desk reception today. This guy was from work by the way. Because I'm nothing if not careful with my delicate emotional balance. So I have to work the front desk and hope he's not too obnoxious when he arrives, leaves for lunch, goes on assorted other outings? Do you know how hard it is to guard your power as a woman who likes sex and attaches intimacy to sex? Very effing hard. Do you know how hard it is to guard your power in business? You need an MBA. And a sharp and probably linear way of thinking. I'm actually not slightly concerned with the second one --- Crazy as I am, some things are just not my area in a way that is so blindingly obvious, I can't even worry about it in the midst of worrying about everything under the sun except them - them is the one thing - them is being linear enough to go get an MBA or something- I need to stop admiring it though. Which you'd think would be easy but, well, there's always room for surprises if they are bad.

Speaking of bitches, Eff Gwazdor - incommunicado. I really wanted him to look at that video of him and me that Maddie made -- I've done everything but call on the telephone so that is my next line of inquiry I guess. But I miss him lots. I think he is really immersed in his work. I am very jealous because I am really immersed in crazy... anyway though... everything will be alright. Singing Suite Judy Blue eyes has been helpful so far this morning. As is typing like a maniac. Thank God for the blog - said it before and say it again.

This is how Eff and I became friends:

I was in tenth grade. Eff was a junior. I had always known him, because we both went to TollGate Grammar. Do you think it's at all worth nothing that our elementary school was named "TollGate" as in a Toll Gate? Well, I do. Is that a proper name for a school? Is that inspiration? Do you know what a Toll Gate is? It's where you pay a Toll? Should the only metaphorical association of a Grammar School's name be paying? I could be really wry and "if the shoe fits..." Too easily is my point. Shouldn't someone have cared that it's such an easy negative to draw?

Anyway, I knew Eff already because we both went to Toll Gate and it was small. The popular kids -- were they popular? What was that? I will call them "the kids easily elected to student council becasue lameness loves more lameness" always made him treasurer. And his campaign was always really cool -- there were posters for it and they were always intricate and wonderful.

My mind's off on a track about those student council kids from his grade. Dreads? A band? A band called, what?, "Tophie and the Sea Monster." - ? - "Tophie and the Spaghetti?" "Tophie and the Moon?" That Tophie kid was cute no lie --- I was busy thinking I was a classical singer in high school. I was never friends with those student council kids or their fringe element friends with (totally conventional) jam bands. I never really knew Tophie but he had that skin that's softer than mine by a factor of 5 and tans brownly. I consider that a superior race to mine - those male soft browns with the sinewy calves and upper arms. (the girls like this are bitches -all - just kidding :) ) Do you think he's married now? What kind of girl? Sort of peaceful and awesome? What do they talk about? I bet they go on great vacations. I bet they camp and I bet she sleeps late. I should have made a better go at the suburbs and the Greatful Dead. I shouldn't have romatacized and become this crazy thing I am.

Anyway, both Eff and I took the bus to school. The first day of school, at the end of the day, they announced, I don't know, MAYBE, your bus number, and showed some diagram, MAYBE, of where your bus would be now on the bus-parking-circle that joined the high school to Timberlane Junior School (reasonably named-- or at least not named TollOnYourLife- which actually that one maybe should have been named - woof, Timberlane! I didn't have real breasts yet and that was not fun.). But in all truth I don't believe there was ever a diagram at all. I'd remember that. And there wasn't one. I think actually it was more like: on the first day, all the classes were five minutes shorter so that there was addtional time for a second homeroom when all your classes were through. And at this homeroom, poor little Ms Klima tried to give information such as where your bus was, by reading off bus numbers in the order that they were parked on the circle. But only a really linear person would have sat and known their bus number for one and understood what the order of the numbers as read by ms Klima had to do with where the bus was for two. There's probably two kids like that, with the program like that, in every homeroom. Besides those two, it was pandemoniom, of course, and everyone in the whole school running out to their lockers, and the bell already rung and quick quick quick to the busses or you'll miss them.

My locker was about five lockers from Eff's. Or four. And I knew we were on the same bus. So I asked him if he knew which was our bus and he very frankly agreed that it was impossible to know! And he asked what I thought we should do. And I said "We should stand at the end of the road as they're all leaving..." (they had to leave one at a time around the circle) "and look for people we recognize from our bus, and when we see that, flag down the bus, yell, and jump and stuff." And Eff said it was the best idea he had ever heard.

Eff knows I'm in love with that story. It really is how we became friends. I don't know if there's any point in examining why you love a story or a thing-that-happened. And in the state I'm in, have been in, it might make me start crying (fyi: I don't think ANYONE at work so far realizes how close I am to crying. If you have problems at work get a blog I tell you --- total saving grace) But I love it a lot. I think it might have something to do with well, you know. I guess I think it stands alone and I can't explain it. He thought it was the best idea ever. We did it and it worked.

love love love.... more blogging soon... i want my fingers not to cease typing today.