At the Accounting Office

Chilling chilling.

I think my mosquito problem is related to Climate Change. What is the fucking deal? -it's mid November. Other people in my building must be having the problem too. (maybe it's partially my own fault - leaving trace amounts of standing water in my sink - I am unfit.) I see that the mosquitos linger in our building wide front door vestibule. They're like vampires that need to be asked in. Kind of. Actually they're the opposite and will fly in as soon as you open the door with your groceries even if you scream at them.

You should really see how I deal with this. Following waking and itching, I move to whichever room I'm not in, slamming the door quickly behind me - if it's into the bedroom that I've moved, I form a seal made of recently discarded clothing over the gap at the door bottom. Last night I had a few beers and forgot to do this when I went to bed. So after I awoke with bites, I moved into the living room - did not form a seal - do not know if I have 2 skeeters or only one. I think it's just the one and eventually he came into the living room from the bedroom under the unsealed door. Anyway what I do is wrap myself completely in a blanket so I cannot be bitten. I also wrap my ears so the buzzes won't necessarily wake me. This is the funny part that you should see. I got one bite on my browline like this last night, but I put hydrocortisone on it immediately (I sleep with it at my mummified side).

Frustrations with men in my life : legion. Still haven't met a great one for me. Oh no! - and the winter on the way! Trying to think how best to long story short here...

That night I lost my contact lens I started to feel angry at Adam. Adam and I have been friends a long time. I'm not a doctor, but I'd say he has chronic depression. -not that some really tough things haven't been happening for the past few years to him. Including the death of his father which of course is beyond hard. I knew him prior to that though and his reaction and the extent of his grief and inward turning is inkeeping - Adam would feel guilty if he felt good even now - that's how his grief works. An Eeyore Adam. But he's a great guy. He brings me music and gives me massages. On his schedule obviously. Recently he's gotten kinda sentimental when he comes by to hang out - talking about teaching me to play guitar and spending the first day of Thanksgiving break with me and asking, weirdly, if he can write to me during work days (me: About what? Adam: About anything.) stuff like this. I didn't want to get excited. I didn't get excited. - this is like four years of not getting excited about Adam I'm into here. But I thought these were nice developments in our friendship plus sometimes sex or whatever it is. He's the same person I once had to call and talk my head off at because we boned and he didn't call. And you know way way way back then I told him: Listen, I'm not trying to get you to feel anyhing you don't feel or be my boyfriend even - you're a piece of work, I get it - but it would really be nice particularly on Sundays to maybe hang out in your new house around the corner and read the paper. I really wish you'd ask me to do that. That has never happened.

So anyway, that night I lost my contact lens, I called him and was like "you know - are we even doing these guitar lessons? Are we really seeing 'Hair' the Wednesday before Thanksgiving? - OF COURSE you haven't done anything about it. OF COURSE you're going home this weekend. I have no faith in any of this honestly." He textd through the night checking I was fine. I guess I'm glad of that, but Adam just does a ton of falling short. It's kind of his whole bag. It's a shame. He's a wonderful guy, person. It's very cyclical where his belief that he is like this is part of what makes him like this. I guess I have a problem of my own feeling disappointed about someone who I endeavored to be aware even on a subconscious level would and will disappoint. Fucking subconscious though! When you're on your period and lose your contact, it's all "Feel my wrath - you tell me NOTHING."

Then, here is last night: This part is kind of interesting and I hope it doesn't make Kelly feel conflicted b/c it's vis a vis her friend who she was really awesome to set me up with. He's fun/ he's one of her favorite people. He's not right for me really. I'm pretty sure she won't mind that or feel anything different about me about that. But anyway, so, I like him but I'm not falling in love. BUT, um, anatomically, uh.... well really exciting. So I pretty much objectify him badly in my mind. Bad person, me.

ANYHOW. So he and I haven't talked much for a week or so. Everytime we gchat he has to go or miraculously I have had work to do at work (well not so miraculous - the holidays are upon us and, you know the drill, OMG THE MFing TREE!@!!) So anyhow - right long story short- he, like Adam, who is who I actually am angry at, eventhough I'm supposed to never expect anything ever from Adam, wasn't being particularly amenable to discussing when we were actually getting together next. I asked him what was up on Monday (basically - I wanted to go over and give him lots of oral sex. You heard it here first - I adore his penis. [SO BAD - can you imagine what I would think of someone writing that they weren't so infatuated with me, but did adore my vagina on the internet? Actually, the life I've had, I think I could handle it. So there.]) So anyhow - I'm not totally sure how understood this is, but I'm getting the feeling it's kind of understood. So anyway yesterday I'm telling him, "Look Thursday's out but did you say Wednesday? And do you want to do this other thing first on Wednesday and blah" and he's gotta call me later he says. So he calls last night on his way to meet this guy for dinner and honestly screams in my ear for ten or twelve minutes about his frustrations at his work. I had to hold the phone away. I made little comments not knowing what else to do. "Well you sound angry" etc. Anyway he went on and on and when he was winding down I tried to sort of sneak in "You're kind of yelling in my ear" which is not actually a sneakable statement. No questions about me or my day though. I said "Well I guess I'll let you get to your dinner and your friend." At this point he said he didn't mean to just dump on me. I think I just said "yeah" because that is exactly what he did - what was I to say? I chose "yeah." Then he said, "so do you want to try to arrange to hang out tomorrow" all heavy inuendo voice on the "hang out" which would have been fine with me -- that was exactly what I wanted to have go on with him - if he hadn't called me on his way to meet someone and just vented his whole life like it was fascinating at 130 decibels with no intention of ever asking me how I was. Boo to that. Sorry that's just so rude. If you're calling someone on your way elsewhere and the first thing you're going to make clear is that you're on your way somewhere to meet someone and don't have time to ask about the other person, you've really got to contain your twelve minute shouting monologue. That's called courtesy. I said I didn't think so about the hanging out today. I said I had to clean my house. I am no longer capable of pretending I am not pissed when I am - if I ever was - which I probably never was.

XOXOXOX I LOVE YOU
Alexis