I'd tell you all a little about the epinepherin pen.
It's so fucking great for saving your life.
When I accidentally eat pine nuts, what happens is, my throat feels rough... I wonder if it's for real... monitor my ear canal.. if this is at all ring-y, then yes it's for real. If my lip starts to feel swell-y oh shit - things are really bad. No lip swell this last time. That was good.
Despite how I feel like I always ask everywhere if anything has pine nuts, despite how I usually carry around my epi-pen -- the times that I eat them I haven't done either thing.
So next comes the car ride or cab ride which is always a half an hour or more to my house to get the epi pen and stick it in my thigh.
Someone is with me and he talks about stuff and I can't hear a word because there is not a thought a thought in my head, just efforts to evenly breathe.
Until the 25th minute of the ride when the vomitting begins.
Then I finally tell the person that I really can't hear a word they're saying. And they say they don't care they were only talking to distract me. Duh. Also - yeah -- what's going to distract me from the constricture of my throat? But I breathe breathe, vomit, breathe. So overall, the effects are these - rough throat - indicative I suppose of a, thankfully, pretty gradual constricture of the throat, serious stomach trouble - not really much like nausea, more like proclicity to vomit and vomit greatly, and the adrenaline my body must be producing of its own volition which I guess is not enough to stop anything but enough for me to have a pretty rapid heart beat going already --- which I don't understand because supposedly my blood pressure is dropping all the while -- but I guess I do pretty well with my own epinepherin until I get to the shot.
Get home, vomit vomit vomit. injection. Sweet sweet amazing injection. Instant relief. You're supposed to count to ten so it all gets in. I'm in no danger of pulling the needle out too early, the relief is so sweet, I could leave that thing in my thigh all night. What an amazing, incredible thing the epinepherin auto-injector is.
Now my heart rate's jacked up but my body remains exhausted from the exhertion of approaching anaphylaxis (side note -- I am naming my children anaphylaxiss and epinepherin, respectively) Epinepherin has no psycho-active effects, it's a body-high kind of thing. I'm somewhat tingly, able to converse and what not... but it's like a conversation with someone who just finished a big sprint or something --- without the sprinting! Not bad.
Except this last time I really came down from this shit. (I do sort of hate to call it "this shit" eventhough it sounds good, because like I said, the epinepherin auto-injector is the reason I live) I can't remember if I always have this, or if it was only this time, waking up with this utter naarcissist who was pressing for sex while I was recovering from the reaction - who then, in the morning said, "part of me sort of hoped you wouldn't sleep with me and you'd teach me a lesson."
Yesterday was the come-down. This statement of his pushed me over a certian edge and I started crying - Me: "Please treat me like a person and not a representation of women. Please -- for a minute." Then I pulled myself together and we got coffee. I didn't expect htis to be a bad thing but then I was jittery the entire day and emotional in a way I haven't felt for a really long time. Later in the night I actually started crying really hard for no identifiable reason. I feel somewhat out of touch with my emotions that I need to inject myself with epinepherin to do this? But also no -- I don't want to feel like that!!!! At all!!! But it's an interesting thing that I'm thinking about and don't understand.
XOXOX
more soon
love you
Alexis
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
This post
is really for myfriendh cuz we talked last night and it will be like a kinda update, cuz right after we hung up there was lots of excitement, but I may end up being cryptic 'cuz it's the blog. And I've been emailing the elements to Kungfuramone so he's all up to speed.
After I got off the phone with you, we went to the restaurant where right away i ate a pine nut!!!!!! it was in the bread crumbs on a gratin appetizer. So, bendryll, taxi cab, vomitting, epinepherin pen... hours and hours of conversation and
long story short.. this morning i was crying. I had to explain myself... one wants to when crying... and God this is too long a story H!!
So I wound up calling the one I told you on the phone I wasn't gonna mess with anymore. Because when i was cying and explaining myself I was like, "I think I miss my friends" and he is a friend. And I don't care... sometimes you need something and you have to ask!!!!!
That's where I'm at. Miserable day. Jittery from epipen, silly emotional. I really love you and miss you a lot. I am basically 14 years old today. Wish we could be 14 right now!!! Let's tell eachother everything late at night on my parents couch! :) :)
XOXOX
love
A
After I got off the phone with you, we went to the restaurant where right away i ate a pine nut!!!!!! it was in the bread crumbs on a gratin appetizer. So, bendryll, taxi cab, vomitting, epinepherin pen... hours and hours of conversation and
long story short.. this morning i was crying. I had to explain myself... one wants to when crying... and God this is too long a story H!!
So I wound up calling the one I told you on the phone I wasn't gonna mess with anymore. Because when i was cying and explaining myself I was like, "I think I miss my friends" and he is a friend. And I don't care... sometimes you need something and you have to ask!!!!!
That's where I'm at. Miserable day. Jittery from epipen, silly emotional. I really love you and miss you a lot. I am basically 14 years old today. Wish we could be 14 right now!!! Let's tell eachother everything late at night on my parents couch! :) :)
XOXOX
love
A
Friday, February 22, 2008
I am a genius...
and should be invited to speak to the senate... at least a sub committee.
This morning I threw away some fish I left open in the fridge. I had to put it into a plastic bag immediately, and then into a larger plastic bag, and while I was at it I threw away maybe six other plastic bags that were around from various things.
I consume many needless plastic bags! WHAT THEY NEED TO DO is STOP PRODUCTION on plastic bags. Duh Duh Duh. Some people in Hong Kong or Beijing are making them like mad and they're being shipped all over. Those companies that request the production, the suppliers, need to be liquidated. The workers can find other jobs. The presidents of the bag supplier companies can A) create new companies or B) continue with their companies supplying other plastic products perhaps... or whatever other things they were in the business of supplying.... more soon...
This morning I threw away some fish I left open in the fridge. I had to put it into a plastic bag immediately, and then into a larger plastic bag, and while I was at it I threw away maybe six other plastic bags that were around from various things.
I consume many needless plastic bags! WHAT THEY NEED TO DO is STOP PRODUCTION on plastic bags. Duh Duh Duh. Some people in Hong Kong or Beijing are making them like mad and they're being shipped all over. Those companies that request the production, the suppliers, need to be liquidated. The workers can find other jobs. The presidents of the bag supplier companies can A) create new companies or B) continue with their companies supplying other plastic products perhaps... or whatever other things they were in the business of supplying.... more soon...
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
ha ha ha
Oh man... email from yale School of Drama -- you know who's reviewing the applications? Paula Vogel. She's a pulitzer prize winning playwright. They're accepting 3 people. So I hadn't quite thought of it that way. Esp. w/ Richard, playwriting instructor, all "New Haven's a hell hole!" - he went there.... Uhm...nobody is going to offer me acceptance to the playwriting school of that hellhole. Surely someone is better qualified, or three people are, for Vogel's instruction. Practically all her students get MacArthurs. It's ridiculous. So that was a funny email that arrived as I was sending out Iowa (late?) Maybe Iowa is my best chance.
I want to write about a lot of things! Particularly boys/men and love and how people would like to be able to say they know one thing about it, but generally don't and at best know for themselves but not for another, and then may find they were even off the mark for themselves. I tire myself with thoughts on this subject though. Plus I'm at work and have to do work.
Okay got to go. XOXO want to write to you more!
love
Alexis
I want to write about a lot of things! Particularly boys/men and love and how people would like to be able to say they know one thing about it, but generally don't and at best know for themselves but not for another, and then may find they were even off the mark for themselves. I tire myself with thoughts on this subject though. Plus I'm at work and have to do work.
Okay got to go. XOXO want to write to you more!
love
Alexis
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
:)
Smelling great, feeling good, really just posting to move the maxi discussion further down from opening salvo.
I had Italian sandalwood lotion sent to me so that's on the daily list and then I spritz some pink mid-market perfume on top of that. The joy of my life is in lotion.
I have a new writing project and it's a TV show all about, basically, me. Y mentioned collaborating and that makes it more exciting. I have ideas for it - in a season-long kind of way. I also have the last application, to Iowa, to get out this weekend and I don't have too busy a weekend planned so that's the main idea. They require 2 samples so blah blah blah. The exciting thing about the TV show is that since I'm so often writing about myself, there's a lot of things I've started in the past year or two that I think I can integrate... like the story I think I'll send Iowa in addition to the play. FYI - I probably won't get into schools this year. I only mention this because I don't want my readers to be dissapointed after all this talk.
The main worry is not doing it - writing the show I mean. I mean day to day not doing it. And you know my go-home routine. (Music, beers, sometimes phone calls) And you know how tempting it is to go home and just do that.
My bro called the other night - he's having major epihphanies about himself since experiencing his first major breakup. He's filling pages and pages of Microsoft Word. He was telling me his revelations. I wanted to be helpful, but ultimately I just said I remembered similar states, also I think in my senior year, and told him, yes, it is kind of sad, because it's growing up and it can be like this. He was like, "So, being grown, it's like, you go to work, you come home, fix dinner, and maybe get a phone call and go to sleep." I was like, "Well NO, not quite!" It was pretty funny. Yes and no, right? Anyway, I tried to tell him that it's not THAT bad. But to bring it on back to me, my brother is right enough in his assessment as it relates to productivity. Once home, I muse plenty and last night I even came up with some great dialogue and didn't WRITE IT DOWN. I don't know. I'm happy though. Things are okay.
I want a dream lover, so I don't have to dream alone.
Happy Valentine's Day. (tomorrow - in case I don't post some ranting cliche nonsense.)
love
Alexis
I had Italian sandalwood lotion sent to me so that's on the daily list and then I spritz some pink mid-market perfume on top of that. The joy of my life is in lotion.
I have a new writing project and it's a TV show all about, basically, me. Y mentioned collaborating and that makes it more exciting. I have ideas for it - in a season-long kind of way. I also have the last application, to Iowa, to get out this weekend and I don't have too busy a weekend planned so that's the main idea. They require 2 samples so blah blah blah. The exciting thing about the TV show is that since I'm so often writing about myself, there's a lot of things I've started in the past year or two that I think I can integrate... like the story I think I'll send Iowa in addition to the play. FYI - I probably won't get into schools this year. I only mention this because I don't want my readers to be dissapointed after all this talk.
The main worry is not doing it - writing the show I mean. I mean day to day not doing it. And you know my go-home routine. (Music, beers, sometimes phone calls) And you know how tempting it is to go home and just do that.
My bro called the other night - he's having major epihphanies about himself since experiencing his first major breakup. He's filling pages and pages of Microsoft Word. He was telling me his revelations. I wanted to be helpful, but ultimately I just said I remembered similar states, also I think in my senior year, and told him, yes, it is kind of sad, because it's growing up and it can be like this. He was like, "So, being grown, it's like, you go to work, you come home, fix dinner, and maybe get a phone call and go to sleep." I was like, "Well NO, not quite!" It was pretty funny. Yes and no, right? Anyway, I tried to tell him that it's not THAT bad. But to bring it on back to me, my brother is right enough in his assessment as it relates to productivity. Once home, I muse plenty and last night I even came up with some great dialogue and didn't WRITE IT DOWN. I don't know. I'm happy though. Things are okay.
I want a dream lover, so I don't have to dream alone.
Happy Valentine's Day. (tomorrow - in case I don't post some ranting cliche nonsense.)
love
Alexis
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Feminist corner
Boys will want nothing to do with this.
Pads! Trying it out. I recently found out all my lady friends wear pads! Especially overnight! It is kind of cool. I feel like I'm really treating myself as a matterof fact... So au natural. Sort of satisfying in a strange way... I'm not stopping anything, or stopping anything up so to speak. I like it! I feel nice, and I've been consuming my usual caffeine but at least so far, no sensation that I have no lower back whatsoever to support me or that it is being tugged on by a forty pound weight. That might be a tampon thing!
If we are all wearing pads though, don't you think they should have bidets in our offices, all offfices, everywhere. Personal bidets. Everywhere. I can't believe this is not how we handle this.
Anyway, I think this might become the new practice.
More soon, on other topics,
Alexis
Pads! Trying it out. I recently found out all my lady friends wear pads! Especially overnight! It is kind of cool. I feel like I'm really treating myself as a matterof fact... So au natural. Sort of satisfying in a strange way... I'm not stopping anything, or stopping anything up so to speak. I like it! I feel nice, and I've been consuming my usual caffeine but at least so far, no sensation that I have no lower back whatsoever to support me or that it is being tugged on by a forty pound weight. That might be a tampon thing!
If we are all wearing pads though, don't you think they should have bidets in our offices, all offfices, everywhere. Personal bidets. Everywhere. I can't believe this is not how we handle this.
Anyway, I think this might become the new practice.
More soon, on other topics,
Alexis
Saturday, February 9, 2008
This is important
This post is called Oh my God Yvete is amazing.
You know how for the last six months I've been saying of fashion, "True or False: the eighties have never been back more than they are right now?" and how I'm pleased and fascinated that the answer always seems to be "true"?
Last night Yvete said "What I realized is that in New York now, the eighties fashion is just like the housing bubble. They're so back, we think where can we go from here? But it won't burst. It could possibly never ever burst. Or there's a very long way to go."
I think I'll be happy about this analogy for a week
You know how for the last six months I've been saying of fashion, "True or False: the eighties have never been back more than they are right now?" and how I'm pleased and fascinated that the answer always seems to be "true"?
Last night Yvete said "What I realized is that in New York now, the eighties fashion is just like the housing bubble. They're so back, we think where can we go from here? But it won't burst. It could possibly never ever burst. Or there's a very long way to go."
I think I'll be happy about this analogy for a week
Thursday, February 7, 2008
I bought a flat screen TV
It will arrive March 4.
I feel pretty sad about it. It cost so much money and I'm going to get cable for it and that will cost money every month and if it were free I wouldn't feel so sad. But for the amount of money it costs, I feel like I should instead save for moving to the desert. Seriously, how am I going to do that? What job can I have in the desert? My writing really needs to take off so that I write for $. Otherwise, the plan doesn't work.
I can't decide anything yet I guess.
I'm missing an (embarassing if found) notebook and my planner. I feel like smashing shit up.
The sun just came out. That's nice. Fuck man, I'm glad tomorrow's Friday.
love
Alexis
I feel pretty sad about it. It cost so much money and I'm going to get cable for it and that will cost money every month and if it were free I wouldn't feel so sad. But for the amount of money it costs, I feel like I should instead save for moving to the desert. Seriously, how am I going to do that? What job can I have in the desert? My writing really needs to take off so that I write for $. Otherwise, the plan doesn't work.
I can't decide anything yet I guess.
I'm missing an (embarassing if found) notebook and my planner. I feel like smashing shit up.
The sun just came out. That's nice. Fuck man, I'm glad tomorrow's Friday.
love
Alexis
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Almost forgot
Crazy crazy crazy crazy extremely disturbing dream last night. You know I've mentioned that I think the most push-envelope thing you could do on a blog would be to detail your most weird and awful dreams and I'm not about to. But suffice to say I was very angry and planning to kill someone who was abusing me in this dream.
Becasue I watch so much Soprnaos (I'm basically 100% sure this is why) a pivotal, and perhaps the most memorable, part of this dream was my absolute determination to kill this (conglomerate very-unsettling)person by means of putting a gun between his ribs and shooting it. I was explaining this plan and also explaining that if not a gun, then a knife, but definitely defintely between the ribs and I was pretty psyched, I honestly have to say, to kill by means of between-the-ribs destruction. Are you scared of me? I am fucking terrifying.
love
A
Becasue I watch so much Soprnaos (I'm basically 100% sure this is why) a pivotal, and perhaps the most memorable, part of this dream was my absolute determination to kill this (conglomerate very-unsettling)person by means of putting a gun between his ribs and shooting it. I was explaining this plan and also explaining that if not a gun, then a knife, but definitely defintely between the ribs and I was pretty psyched, I honestly have to say, to kill by means of between-the-ribs destruction. Are you scared of me? I am fucking terrifying.
love
A
Please believe me
I am in a mood to blog and blog intimately but I am at stupid stupid work and I think there's twenty five pounds, no exaggeration, of mail to open.
The Republicans wrote to my boss.. I mean everyone writes to my boss... but the Republicans sent a mass mailing asking for dough, saying Hillary Clinton was counting on receiver-of-this-appeal not sending dough.. and then the tax and spend agenda will win. What I don't understand is what they're supposed to do with taxes if not spend them,... on you know, all sorts of stuff - maybe even education or healthcare. Stupid Republicans.. oh yeah, you don't spend anyone's taxes on say the war. Idiots.
There's a Morcheeba song that I feel I have the ethos of, since putting a stop on my ill-advised-anyway love affair yesterday. It's called Sao Paulo and I can't think of all of the tune or all of the lyrics, but the girl is like, stuck in Sao Paulo and her passport has wine stains on it (maybe?!) and she's all "If I drink anymore I will drown" and "my life is one big cliche" the question of the day is do I or do I not wish I had high levels of melancholy in Sao Paulo all existentially alone missing in advance some suave style man who I havew but don't have, or is it good enough to be in New York, no lounge, no stained passport, job to go to, bills to pay, tv and cable package to buy.
If I don't get into schools I may have to spend what I've got on a car, and move out to California (not Hollywood) and start living how I want to by myself, without a mountain man or our offsping. How wrong is this idea? I'm really asking.
I have a bunch of other random thoughts... I know I do... oh yeah... blowing your hair dry is for crazy people or straight hair people. What else? Don't recall this second.
Actually I guess I'm feeling pretty good today. That's funny. :)
XOXOXOXOXOXOX
I love you I love you I love you I love you
Alexis
The Republicans wrote to my boss.. I mean everyone writes to my boss... but the Republicans sent a mass mailing asking for dough, saying Hillary Clinton was counting on receiver-of-this-appeal not sending dough.. and then the tax and spend agenda will win. What I don't understand is what they're supposed to do with taxes if not spend them,... on you know, all sorts of stuff - maybe even education or healthcare. Stupid Republicans.. oh yeah, you don't spend anyone's taxes on say the war. Idiots.
There's a Morcheeba song that I feel I have the ethos of, since putting a stop on my ill-advised-anyway love affair yesterday. It's called Sao Paulo and I can't think of all of the tune or all of the lyrics, but the girl is like, stuck in Sao Paulo and her passport has wine stains on it (maybe?!) and she's all "If I drink anymore I will drown" and "my life is one big cliche" the question of the day is do I or do I not wish I had high levels of melancholy in Sao Paulo all existentially alone missing in advance some suave style man who I havew but don't have, or is it good enough to be in New York, no lounge, no stained passport, job to go to, bills to pay, tv and cable package to buy.
If I don't get into schools I may have to spend what I've got on a car, and move out to California (not Hollywood) and start living how I want to by myself, without a mountain man or our offsping. How wrong is this idea? I'm really asking.
I have a bunch of other random thoughts... I know I do... oh yeah... blowing your hair dry is for crazy people or straight hair people. What else? Don't recall this second.
Actually I guess I'm feeling pretty good today. That's funny. :)
XOXOXOXOXOXOX
I love you I love you I love you I love you
Alexis
Monday, February 4, 2008
The superbowl was awesome. It really was. I'm not a big fan, but I sure hate the Patriots and it sure was awesome.
I feel depressed today. It's Monday and my lover situation is by nature gonna be no help to my needs. I already knew that, but I reserve the right to feel shitty about it on a cold Monday.
I have Best in Show at home. I can't wait to get out of here and go watch it, indulge what ever wounded feeling I can find within me.
Life: so grand.
(you all know everything's really okay.)
love
Alexis
I feel depressed today. It's Monday and my lover situation is by nature gonna be no help to my needs. I already knew that, but I reserve the right to feel shitty about it on a cold Monday.
I have Best in Show at home. I can't wait to get out of here and go watch it, indulge what ever wounded feeling I can find within me.
Life: so grand.
(you all know everything's really okay.)
love
Alexis
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