some inventory

sorry no quizzes or fun stuff for a long time!

I'm toasted and a little tipsy, a-bleedin, yes. Always relevant, no? In this case it is, cuz it's also maximum tree lighting time at Rock Center, holiday time. I'm happy so feeling a lot of love even for the weirder relationships in my life and certainly and most purely for my family.

Today I did 830 gift bags with my friend who was laid off a little less than a year ago. I love the gift bags actually - as much as I think it is important to bitch like it's being sent to prison - this is a very important aspect of the ritual. I like year markers and I love mindless team work. I like to sing all day and i don't care if my coworkers complain it's really annoying behind my back. When I'm happy, nothing can stop me and people just have to suffer my love, fuck them. !

Last night Kelly and I went for champagne pretending we were going for champagne and shopping. We talked family. You know my life. I like to come home after a day of gift bags and fire up what needs to be fired as well as the chardonnay and think about my family. :) For this reason, I've been thinking I should blog about them, but as soon as I get to it, i dunno... my family is awfully complicated. I guess I wouldn't know where to start. I wonder what Sam Sheapard's family is like. My guess is considerably smaller.

The person I think it would be neat to write about is my step dad. There's some betrayal to writing about your step dad though - not a deep betrayal, but some. I think it stops me. I should write a family play. Blogging about my family would be more fun first though. And soon I'm just going to start getting good at LSATS so I may skip the family play. So anyhow, i guess to be continued while i empty the chardonnay and listen to jams on my ibook speakers cus the good ones are buzzing at a break your head frequency. hateful soundwaves what the fuck are you alien voices from other planets?

haha that sounds crazy. Get me high more often. Before I'm a lawyer. haha!

love
Alexis

Well that was boring

What I really wanted to tell you about work and Mad Men I didn't and maybe I will one day but I find this whole waiting to write thing does not really work. :)

Anyway Thanksgiving. Yays.

love
Alexis

Whew Hello

I feel like telling you the story of my life blog, but someone made me do data entry today- so I am doing it now even though i wound up writing all day in my head while entering contacts. Well, it's been a long time since a little evening blog.

I wanna talk work, Mad Men, happiness, thanksgiving, the "family play". We'll just see what I get to.

I had a sort of epiphany about work. It wasn't a particularly happy epiphany but when are they particularly happy? - They're not meant to be happy as much as rewarding - which can bring happiness. Another weird thing is you might have to reach them twice I've found out - in that case, particularly if they are painful. :)

Anyway the rewarding epiphany. They're mostly pretty boring. They bore me more than they anger me. Nice feeling this epiphany because I stopped feeling angry without having to experience a feeling of it culminating- I just let it dissipate . Anyway, I don't wish I were marrying a preppy asap. Jeez I let that idea go too far. It's being part of their thing - the executive men I'm speaking of now - and some assistants who seem crazy - imagining that's the thing. Oh blah I could care less about making you read about this. Anyway - ack - I wanna get out of this epiphany and into the next part. Anyway, the whole thing is false, for me, because I like for love to be a little more about me than supporting a bigshot - I mean at least a Real Estate bigshot. These people are not sane, in my version of the sanity/ insanity paradigm. I've been really open minded (worse than that - I've built them up so that I would find my life more interesting) and now I'm allowed that much judgement. Mad Men is really good it turns out! :) Everyone should watch it the way I did: The first episode and then the entire third season sick on Saturday. Mmmm it was so good. I'm sorry but HBO is the new storytelling.


I know more about politics than a person needs to. Reading the internet all day is stupid - life is, after all, existential. One thing that's very funny to me is that there are "Mad Men" blogs where a person writes what happened in the episode and explains what it meant and has loads of people telling him they adore them! Jeez Louise - dummies! (I mean it's FINE -i don't harbor the person any ill will - it's just funny and boring. :) -still in the epiphany here: "mostly people are boring". ) Most of the internet is dumb and then there's following politics - climate change, scientists manipulating data, civil rights, famine, end the war? and constantly with the approval ratings. More dummies - but in politics everyone thinks they're an expert. I mean this includes me - it reminds me of why parents are difficult for teachers - because everyone went to school and everyone knows how they think it ought to be. Politics is even more broad and selfish. And a politician is really just an archetype for you to project. You know. That's why it's nice that it's not always a white man. Beyond that - it's just more internet I tell you.

So anyway I just talked to Amy and now I'm going to get cash so i have it for the laundry tomorrow. I've been in a getting my shit together moment which is fun - especially since it's going to culminate in painting the living room. if you an't tell, I'm in a very good mood. :)

So la la. More soon I hope but everything is getting very hectic in a wonderful almost Thanksgiving home renovation way. xo
A

Ultimately though it's okay that people are pompous though right. I mean the right approach is to seek tranquility. I feel immature when angry.

i am DYING to paint my living room and nervous the landlord will say no. I am going to call him soon. Scared.

love
Alexis

Let the record show...

I ALWAYS loved Katie Couric.

http://gawker.com/5410874/katie-courics-forbidden-dance-of-gin/gallery/?skyline=true&s=i

First,

don't ever buy this "Mash" bottled juice stuff. I got it this morning having skimmed the label and thinking it said, "it's 100% juice..." What it says is, "it's not 100%juice" and it's gross.

I don't know what the point is of it all. I really don't. I am turning 29 tomorrow though. And pretty soon I'm going to go to law school. I have to because of a very simple thing called money. I want to have it. I want a house in New England. I can deal with the possibility of never falling in love again. But I can't deal with never being in a certain bracket, the homeowner bracket. So there it is. Enh - I should also be able to kick some litigous ass. I need to be kicking more ass, and making money - not this year but, well, probably next year - go to Mexico for the 30th bday and then to Law School before the 31st. Maybe I could be an environmental lawyer. That would be sort of awesome. Maybe I could lend my future to-be-gotten contract understanding abilities to would-be producers and sorta keep my hand in the theater production game. I don't know, I've been thinking these kind of serious thoughts about the future. Probably because so many people are getting married or pregnant and I can't even afford a puppy, and also am developing a corner of myself that doesn't believe I'll ever have another boyfriend, not to say husband. And because I really admire the women around my workplace who are runnin' thangs while I take phonecalls and dress like Mad Men (which I was doing since before that shit was on TV - which is awesomely prescient of me but doesn't help me at the automat- not one bit). I'll be accepting "But Alexis you MUSTN'T go to Law School - you are TOO UNIQUE and should just maintain and WRITE" comments/ caveats - but I'm more serious than usual as 30 looms and I seriously want to be able to support a Dog and have a house preferably made at least in part of stone. I think it could be deeply satisyfing a) to study and use different colored highlighters - so in depth will be the level of studying b) to do the persuasive thing c)to earn money, did I mention that?

So there's that. It's related, or at least how serious I feel about it is related, to a phonecall with my dad last night. I guess I'll dialogue it. "Mad Men"-wise it would be hot as hell if I could light up a smoke here at work while I dialogue out my conversation with my dad last night on my blog. Hating so hard on smoking is sadly not even the worst of the aughts.

My dad calls.

Me: HI!
Dad: Hi - how are you?
Me: Good! I'm Good!
Dad: That's one thing that's great about you - you are always so upbeat.
Me: Well, I try!
Dad: So, tomorrow is my last day at Schering.
Me: Wow. Unbelievable. That is some serious end of an era stuff.

um, etc.

Dad: So I won't have to go into work for a while and I found two boxes of your papers from Middle School and High School in the basement so I can bring them out to you one day.
Me: Hm. Alright.
Dad: You know what else I found - cleaning out my desk from work... notes I took from a phonecall from that casting agent about you being in The Secret Garden when you were 12. It says they'd provide a tutor - but you need to have at least one guardian and I wrote "Grammom?"

etc. Jokes.

Dad: Oh well... probably you would have ended up like Drew Barrymore on drugs and a mess.
Me: Oh probably not. Probably I just would have loved the living shit out of it and then for college gone to Carnegie Mellon's Conservatory or I dunno Yale and gotten an agent and it'd be great.
Dad: Yea! You'd be Natalie Portman.
Me: Exactly. But talented. Anyhow, this is silly. Yeah, right now all I really want is a dog.
Dad: Well I guess I can be glad you're not telling me you're not getting younger so you want to have a baby.
Me: Yeah not to worry - not even close. I'll tell you that in about 10 years.
Dad: What about your mother? Is she still bothering you to have a baby?
Me: No I think that was mostly drunkenness... well, or... well I don't really know what it was. Honestly it was more her asking why I was keeping her from her grandchild - you know the imaginary grandchild - which - I don't think you like to hear this, but when I do think of having a baby, I'm pretty sure I really don't want her anywhere near it and I'll try to keep it as far away from her as I can...
Dad: Oh I don't think I'll fight you too hard on that.
Me: Okay good yeah. Hey so these boxes of stuff - I'm just thinking- you don't really have to bring them out here - I mean it's great if you come out here- there's all sorts of stuff we can do, but it's not like I have so much storage space...
Dad: Well if I don't bring it out it's gonna get thrown away.
Me: Jeez fine. Bring them out then - I don't want you to throw them away. Like my "All About Me" book. I was just thinking of that because of Where the Wild things Are. Do you remember the stories you took dictation from me of? They were incredible- They were so Jungian - I can't believe they're lost forever.
Dad: Yeah! you were so Creative!
Me: No Really! I remember one of them I looked in the mirror but I was a bird and... then there was this journey on a train but all the while I kept having these feelings, as a girl, as a bird... - it's terrible that they're gone.
Dad: What about schools? Are you applying to schools again this year?
Me: I mean I should try. Get together a couple applications over Christmas break. But I haven't written anything new. I am in a mood to revise, but I don't know if I'll get to it. Plus I was reading this Wendy Wasserstein play over the weekend and thinking, "Why not try to produce this?" I mean I don't know how to acquire the rights but I guess I could find out.
Dad: Yeah I guess that's why there are producers - not everyone can write.
Me: Well I can write but it's just I think there's a lot of writing that's already there that is better than mine. I mean mine is mine but Wendy Wasserstein - it's kind of great- it all applies to now as well as when it was written and there're all these female characters.. I could cast myself... I don't know.
Dad: No I like this - very ambitious...
Me: And law school - I think about law school
Dad: Well I REALLY like that! But don't wait too long...
Me: What does THAT mean?

But I didn't want to give my dad a hard time so I laid off and didn't demand an answer. Thinking about it more today I also think I shouldn't wait tooo long (I just don't want to hear it from my Dad) because it's expensive and you want to do it young enough that you're paying it off at a time when it's still okay that you're paying it off.

Uh, Booooring - sorry about this y'all. XOXOXOX
A

Chrissy, I really appreciate you saying what you do about me being such a genius.

I have this fond, I mean bittersweet which can be extremely sweet, while bitter or anyway, tear-salty, memory of meeting MyfriendH and her husband, who was then her fiance, long before they were my neighbors, in Princeton a long ago Thanksgiving just when everything hit the fan with the somewhat psychotic only-man-I-ever-lived-with. Moving out and quickly was suddenly very much on the immediate agenda.

I was crying, but it was manageable and I wasn't about to not meet them just because he'd just published this awful Friendster blog about me. Sounds so nerdy and was still so painful. It was really bad. And I'm sitting there with MyfriendH and her G, and saying, "I would just like to find someone smarter than me" (per grammar discussion "I" is actually correct Chrissy :) :) ) and they were both concurrently like "Well, that's gonna be hard."

Smarter -that's relative and of course, he doesn't have to be smarter, just very aware that I'm smart - right? That's smart enough. But also, truly, I do demand exceptional. I've met and gone out with some even exceptional people and still I really require someone be quite quite amazing - he's gonna have to be gracious and interesting to hear from for ages, and I'll also need the initial get together to involve thrill.

It's a waiting game and sometimes I get lonely and it sucks. But it is what it is and it is exactly what it is and there it is, yeah?

I had the BEST TIME last night. MyfriendsH,M,J,A - her boyfriend R, and me had dinner and reminisced about funny old times when we were kids, high school et al. Champagne, wine, and the laughter of recalled teen times. I had to wipe my eyes laughing over dinner and wine. This might be the best of life. I haven't felt so warm and good in a while. Hooray for Birthday week.

Even before this I had the loveliest night with another friend H and the ever good Kelly the prior week.

Seems it's the ladies that keep my heart warm enough to enjoy life and to smile. I also am happy that the men some of them have found to be with are enjoyable and good too. So glad for the people I love in my life... is my point. XO

A

At the Accounting Office

Chilling chilling.

I think my mosquito problem is related to Climate Change. What is the fucking deal? -it's mid November. Other people in my building must be having the problem too. (maybe it's partially my own fault - leaving trace amounts of standing water in my sink - I am unfit.) I see that the mosquitos linger in our building wide front door vestibule. They're like vampires that need to be asked in. Kind of. Actually they're the opposite and will fly in as soon as you open the door with your groceries even if you scream at them.

You should really see how I deal with this. Following waking and itching, I move to whichever room I'm not in, slamming the door quickly behind me - if it's into the bedroom that I've moved, I form a seal made of recently discarded clothing over the gap at the door bottom. Last night I had a few beers and forgot to do this when I went to bed. So after I awoke with bites, I moved into the living room - did not form a seal - do not know if I have 2 skeeters or only one. I think it's just the one and eventually he came into the living room from the bedroom under the unsealed door. Anyway what I do is wrap myself completely in a blanket so I cannot be bitten. I also wrap my ears so the buzzes won't necessarily wake me. This is the funny part that you should see. I got one bite on my browline like this last night, but I put hydrocortisone on it immediately (I sleep with it at my mummified side).

Frustrations with men in my life : legion. Still haven't met a great one for me. Oh no! - and the winter on the way! Trying to think how best to long story short here...

That night I lost my contact lens I started to feel angry at Adam. Adam and I have been friends a long time. I'm not a doctor, but I'd say he has chronic depression. -not that some really tough things haven't been happening for the past few years to him. Including the death of his father which of course is beyond hard. I knew him prior to that though and his reaction and the extent of his grief and inward turning is inkeeping - Adam would feel guilty if he felt good even now - that's how his grief works. An Eeyore Adam. But he's a great guy. He brings me music and gives me massages. On his schedule obviously. Recently he's gotten kinda sentimental when he comes by to hang out - talking about teaching me to play guitar and spending the first day of Thanksgiving break with me and asking, weirdly, if he can write to me during work days (me: About what? Adam: About anything.) stuff like this. I didn't want to get excited. I didn't get excited. - this is like four years of not getting excited about Adam I'm into here. But I thought these were nice developments in our friendship plus sometimes sex or whatever it is. He's the same person I once had to call and talk my head off at because we boned and he didn't call. And you know way way way back then I told him: Listen, I'm not trying to get you to feel anyhing you don't feel or be my boyfriend even - you're a piece of work, I get it - but it would really be nice particularly on Sundays to maybe hang out in your new house around the corner and read the paper. I really wish you'd ask me to do that. That has never happened.

So anyway, that night I lost my contact lens, I called him and was like "you know - are we even doing these guitar lessons? Are we really seeing 'Hair' the Wednesday before Thanksgiving? - OF COURSE you haven't done anything about it. OF COURSE you're going home this weekend. I have no faith in any of this honestly." He textd through the night checking I was fine. I guess I'm glad of that, but Adam just does a ton of falling short. It's kind of his whole bag. It's a shame. He's a wonderful guy, person. It's very cyclical where his belief that he is like this is part of what makes him like this. I guess I have a problem of my own feeling disappointed about someone who I endeavored to be aware even on a subconscious level would and will disappoint. Fucking subconscious though! When you're on your period and lose your contact, it's all "Feel my wrath - you tell me NOTHING."

Then, here is last night: This part is kind of interesting and I hope it doesn't make Kelly feel conflicted b/c it's vis a vis her friend who she was really awesome to set me up with. He's fun/ he's one of her favorite people. He's not right for me really. I'm pretty sure she won't mind that or feel anything different about me about that. But anyway, so, I like him but I'm not falling in love. BUT, um, anatomically, uh.... well really exciting. So I pretty much objectify him badly in my mind. Bad person, me.

ANYHOW. So he and I haven't talked much for a week or so. Everytime we gchat he has to go or miraculously I have had work to do at work (well not so miraculous - the holidays are upon us and, you know the drill, OMG THE MFing TREE!@!!) So anyhow - right long story short- he, like Adam, who is who I actually am angry at, eventhough I'm supposed to never expect anything ever from Adam, wasn't being particularly amenable to discussing when we were actually getting together next. I asked him what was up on Monday (basically - I wanted to go over and give him lots of oral sex. You heard it here first - I adore his penis. [SO BAD - can you imagine what I would think of someone writing that they weren't so infatuated with me, but did adore my vagina on the internet? Actually, the life I've had, I think I could handle it. So there.]) So anyhow - I'm not totally sure how understood this is, but I'm getting the feeling it's kind of understood. So anyway yesterday I'm telling him, "Look Thursday's out but did you say Wednesday? And do you want to do this other thing first on Wednesday and blah" and he's gotta call me later he says. So he calls last night on his way to meet this guy for dinner and honestly screams in my ear for ten or twelve minutes about his frustrations at his work. I had to hold the phone away. I made little comments not knowing what else to do. "Well you sound angry" etc. Anyway he went on and on and when he was winding down I tried to sort of sneak in "You're kind of yelling in my ear" which is not actually a sneakable statement. No questions about me or my day though. I said "Well I guess I'll let you get to your dinner and your friend." At this point he said he didn't mean to just dump on me. I think I just said "yeah" because that is exactly what he did - what was I to say? I chose "yeah." Then he said, "so do you want to try to arrange to hang out tomorrow" all heavy inuendo voice on the "hang out" which would have been fine with me -- that was exactly what I wanted to have go on with him - if he hadn't called me on his way to meet someone and just vented his whole life like it was fascinating at 130 decibels with no intention of ever asking me how I was. Boo to that. Sorry that's just so rude. If you're calling someone on your way elsewhere and the first thing you're going to make clear is that you're on your way somewhere to meet someone and don't have time to ask about the other person, you've really got to contain your twelve minute shouting monologue. That's called courtesy. I said I didn't think so about the hanging out today. I said I had to clean my house. I am no longer capable of pretending I am not pissed when I am - if I ever was - which I probably never was.

XOXOXOX I LOVE YOU
Alexis

Is my emotional life boring yet?

Anyway I wonder what it's like to be a man. They must feel similar emotions sometimes but they don't feel them all miserable on their period once every few months. Yesterday I felt all bad in the first place, my house is a mess, I'm out of toilet paper, and then I lost my BRAND NEW amazing left contact lens down the drain and had to just go "I am going to be hysterical about this for five minutes and then I'll internalize that I'll just order another one tomorrow and calm down, but I get to go down a whole path of misery for five minutes... but - don't break the plates!" :)

Anyway, I took a sick day. I still haven't addressed the trash but I'm about to take a shower. What an amazing Sopranos the one where Tony and Tony have to take Chris to the hospital to get the doctor to tell Chris that Adriana was sitting up during the car accident is.

love

Something delightful

Names to call a girl named Madeline, Maddie

* Mart the Fart
* or just Mart
* so now and then Martina Hingis
* also Mardy
* or Moldy

hahaha. Brothers and sisters are the best.

eh

I hate the ones where I protest over and over "This is not pathetic!" Maybe it's a style problem. Maybe I should only mention fantasies and dreams in the context of plays about plane crashes.


XO


More later

Where the Wild Things Are is Excellent. David Brooks wrote the best review I've read so far. It's pschoanalytic in its approach to character he says. Then he put in his own little zeitgesit statement about a change happening in our collective approach to character. Neat. Anyway, wonderful movie.

WTWTA is probably somewhat responsible for a degree of vividness and fullness of feeling to my dreams last night/ this morning. I traveled a distance in a lush part of Africa and climbed a ladder and met my team. I watched a lot of TV yesterday and that's why there was a "team" I think.

Oh right before I went to bed I watched Celebrity Sex Rehab which aside from the fact that Dr. Drew wears a stethoscope is really pretty good.

Jesus what am I talking about. I was gonna do such a good blog today but I ran it in my head and now I don't wanna write it.

So I woke up and decided to sleep another 20 minutes and decided to put my chosen work crush in a dream since I was in a good dream moment.

Scene from last week (reality):
Analysts crowded around another analyst's desk in front of mine. Analysts discussing sunglasses with sides. These are called wayfarers. Cute boy didn't know this and I can never remember what wayfarers are either since to me they sound like either sneakers or shorts. I don't talk at work though - not to the analysts, not unless we are getting coffee at the same time. I am listening to this conversation but acting like I'm not. So then Cute says "like the sunglasses they give you at the dentist" For some reason everyone looks at me for a reaction. I say "Do you mean the eye doctor?" (even though I know he means just what he said) Much more lauughter than that deserved.

And so - I loved the dream I got to have about him when I told my contented self to dream this morning. (upcoming = dream) We went to a burger place. Oh the burgers smelled so delicious. Without a doubt they were in n out burgers but we were in NYC. Dreams! We were laughing and laughing and buying our burgers. No one was watching and I very nearly stole myself a second burger at the checkout becasue therewere all these hot delicious ones just wanting to be grabbed. But I didn't - just stole extra fries. Then we were in a car - he was driving I think - or I was - either way we were eating the burgers and the fries and they were delicious - maybe we were bringing someone else some burgers too. Then he told me he really liked me and kissed my neck. It was AWESOME.

I have dreams like this and they're really nice. Maybe if I wait long enough something this exciting will actually happen (but I doubt it. Also I don't mean iwth him. I just mean with anyone) Please don't get the wrong idea that I'm upset about boys or love or stuff right now. I'm not. I feel pateint and fine about it. I have support, boys who I like and who think I'm bee-ooo-te-ful - I'm good. I'm not inspired but it's fine. And my last blog post wasn't about becoming lesbian or actually hating men: it was a women are superior thing which I always think. Just to clarify. What I'm going at is that feeling I remember from adolescence and dreams where I actually feel flooded with that special joyful anxiety. Some days I think I could never feel this ever again - which I can be happy to have ever felt it at all. Most days I figure I may feel it again before I'm 46. At any rate, I understand it to be an unknown and it does not wrench my heart regualrly or anything like that.

But sometimes good enough movies can make me dream it. Plus daylight savings time, plus the heater on yet not overheating the room.

God I love it. Too bad there are no occasions where me and that office cute boy are sent to go get burgers for everyone in an old blue Corrolla. Becasue I am sure you readers all know DUH If we were it would go down just like the dream. I would sit in the passenger seat all silently repeating "tell me you like me and kiss my neck tell me you like me and kiss my neck" and then it would happen just like the dream.

Again, this is in no way a patheticness posting. Need you to know that. How I feel about this is happy. Happily, I am not very deluded lately.

You may ask this though: "Alexis, you're funny: can I ask you this? You know Alexis, you seem so excited, moved, and spiritually most nourished by the arts - most of all drama, the depth of human character, and music, so what attracts you- what arouses your secret sad-happy dark and soft and heart heat love-warmth about these bland corporate boys?"

(MyfriendH told me something great about looking for our Dads once recently and I really liked that answer and it gave me some solace in wondering why I liked someone I shouldn't have. She's good. this is an aside)

I was thinking this very question to myself as I went for lunch today though. Look out becasue I don't have a concise answer.

Part of it though I think is a practicality that I insert into my fantasy life, or a realism, however you want to say it. Even in my fantasy likfe i am fantasizing about someone whose job would actually support us so that we could really have a wintry house which is like a haven in the snow - a key fantasy of mine all my life.

I don't want him to be around all the time. I want him to be handsome, love to love me, go to work, earn money, respect me to fucking death.

What is love to me? Nothing intense and twilight-like - not even in my fantasies. When I fatasize about my be-suited husband I just fantasize him saying my name to other people when I'm not around and saying something about me. To me that is love. "Alexis doesn't like those sorts of movies." These are the words I put in my crushes' mouths in my fantasies. Isn't that funny.

The way I see it - there's an alternate route to my wintry joy which is law school. Then I'd be able to earn enough to buy my own house. I will consider this at 31 but no sooner. I like being single in New York now, but I do want to live in New England in my own house and i would like a child.. sometime, later not now. I don't see any harm in fantasizing about just being taken there and encouraged to write, mother, get analysis, learn to play instruments and the odd language - and don't forget, be mentiononed to others... "Alexis is learning Italian. We're taking the baby there in Spring." "Alexis wrote the saddest song about her postpartum depression. Anyway she doesn't like those kinds of movies."

I hope you understand I don't feel pathetic about any of this! It is just confessional and hopefully you kinda know what I mean!

xoxoxoxox
love
A