So I'm pretty morbidly depressed

Hate my job. hate simple maintenence of clean clothes, bills...

Rejected from all schools but Iowa which I may still be rejected from and don't think I want to go to if I get in although maybe, maybe.

Desperate to feel intrinsic to something.

Was just starting to go down the - my-millionaire-boyfriend-will-be-able-to-help-me-out-with-this-crushing-ennui-sponsor-me-teaching-or-something-like-that road only for him to completely freak out about commitment - quelle cliche. So that's on this weird hold while he figures out God knows what. His shrink has been enlisted to the cause. And I feel like whatever -- and also dissapointed quite a bit - and also now what? And also why bother?

So, I don't know what can make me feel better. I almost got a puppy out of all this - from said millionaire - but then I had to tell him , no -- that I'd rahter he figure out his problems than pay me off with a puppy.

But I think I'm having some kind of no one to take care of or help crisis. For seriously.

Also I'm bored of drinking. Now tell me that's not sad.

so boo-hoo. I won't kill myself and I'm sure this will let up soon enough.

love
Alexis

I've been up having had this dream about everything that I am going to write about to KFR -- maybe I'll be able to get the last of my z's after getting it down. It was about death along with everything. That's nice about the subconcious. So much more imaginitive than the conscious which is a pretty dull consciousness comparatively when it comes down to it... e.g. "How am i? Good. I mean -did I tell you about this good thing? I really am good, but also some bad things happen -- did i ell you about this bad thing --- not tat I can't handle it because of course i can. In fact here is my plan about that... oh yes,. yes and I had a different dissapointemnt, did i mention? Also, I have some anxiety but i have a gameplan for how to address the anxiety blah dee blah dee blah blah blah blah blah blah."

Back from a week with Grammy and Steph. That was nice. We ate and ate and ate and ate. Grammys on prednisone andI stopped smoking for the week so it was really pretty impressive.

Sgt. Nicholas

was shot and killed in combat in Afghanistan earlier this month.

It's shocking and sad. We were friends, and he read this silly blog when he was over there. He was a wonderful person. Calm and sweet.

It is a terrible terrible loss. He was so young and he didn't expect to die.

I feel deepest sympathy for his family.

I will never take ambien again

A word and a food that I hate: chipotle. Would chipotle taste better if it were pronounced chipotle as in Otle? - not chipotle as is in ot-lay. No. But if it were chipotle as in otle, then at least it would sound a little cute and then at least the word wouldn't bother me.

-my thoughts drunk and weird at 4:45am thanks to ambien

They say I have to update my blog.

KFR now goes by "they" I mean.

Well listen, I went to Mexico, I sprained my ankle. Things are happening, spring is coming, C and I had a PERFECT time on vacation, and I am happy.

Later today I'll have the pleasure of asking the gynocologist to look at my ankle please. Hee hee.

And so, here is a picture in which I believe myself to look like I've lived in Havana for ten years.



Here is a picture from the same night but big smiles.




For the sea lions, the views, the suntanning, the boating, you have to go to facebook. Sorry. (KFR you can use my password and go look again if you want - the pictures are normal sized now.)

Oh, and let's see if this works. Here's some pictures of C and Snoop! She had to talk business with him the other day!

God I am so glad this blog is the secretest thing ever

Seems like famous last blog words but really, who do we have here: KFR, Gwazdor, myfriendh, I think occasionally my former closet-mate from work may check what's happening, and sometimes Nick in Afghanistan (Nick, I'm reading a book about Vietnam I might send you if you would ever possibly want to read a book about Vietnam while you're in Afghanistan... anyway, I am reading it specifically with the intention of understanding what it might be like to be there, because the style of it - memoir- is probably better for me than other styles.)

So anyway, just you five at best. Some other people at work must know the name of the blog from seeing me look at it... but I really don't think they read it or care.

-redacted-

Here's an important part of the post though: Most Men are Fucking Retards who should suck on something til they choke. You know that dude I keep trying to end it with the one who is enirely inapporpriate for every reason there is a person can be inappropropriate. Well, he sucks. Now it's just ugly. (saw all this coming which is why I'm not morally reprehensible by the way!!!! Never forget that!!!!) Despite how I saw all this coming and that being the reason that I'm not morally reprehensible, you might be interested in the details somewhat -- in the grotesquenss? He won't leave me alone. I have laid it all down so many times it's quite annoying now. I told him I don't want texts; I want nothing. I like him but we're nothing to eachtoher, not really, and please leave me alone unless you have soemthing to say besides how am I doing becasue I have no reason to worry if he knows how I'm doing. I said no coming to my house and I take my clothes of for free. I told him that in some religions that is your reward in heaven - I just have told him so many times that the only thing that would be acceptable to me would be if he somehow planned something for us to do, told me the date in advance and we actually did that thing together and enjoyed having the experience together (getting a beer would count here too for what it's worth) but instead what we have happening is a whole whole lot of texts that say "how are you" and "what's happening" and "so what do you think". So I re-stated my fucking case. I said, listen, I already have a lot of friends I love and don't get to see most of the time. This is retarded. "How am I? If I'm fine, so what? If I'm not, so what? Don't call me if it's not to do somthing together... oh and again that thing can't be have sex at my house" He says he understands. He says, okay, we agree. Then at the end of the day he texts "Is it taboo to ask how your trip to the museum was?" YES! YES IT FUCKING IS. So, he's really direct about how he's just trying to keep his hand in in case somehow he can maybe get to have sex... I don't even know. It's sad. I'm such a sucker for funny directness that I still do like him... I mean I have an antipathy and I wouldn't want to not have it. But the directness is getting demeaning and depressing now. I told him no more again so I guess that's all done but maybe he's a personality disorder type to add to my list of lovers with personalisty disorders and will be texting to ask how I am tomorrow. What a jerk. These bare minimum people are upsetting. Oh p.s. He asked what it would cost! I said a lot. Then I said a thousand dollars. That story cracked Christine up. What a loser. When he texted abotu the museum last night I texted back "Long story You'll have to get me a drink and I'll tell you" and he wrote back "Get me bring me take me." So you see how ugly now? As if I'm somehow gold digging, when I've never been brought, given, or taken anything. Apparently not wanting to be hounded constantly by texts about how you're doing makes you a golddigger now. Some men are really really really self-centered.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO please write me an email if you are bored today my sweetest dearest
Alexis

Less depressed. Lots going on. going to mexico next thursday. Cable and HBO get installed next wednesday. A few little plans over the weekend. Friday the tv actually gets mounted to the wall. Tomorrow I have a surprise personal day to do what i wish with. Possibly i will go to the natural history museum by myself and high out of my mind. :) (that was an accounting of days backward from next thursday to today in broad strokes)

Maybe I'll even join the gym on Saturday, no kidding.

I guess that's all I have to say? Lately I've been feeling like I'm almost always thinking on several levels at once.... that sounds like something someone who took too much acid would say and then the ramblings would start, but i have no ramblings to add... that's just how I've noticed i've been feeling.

XOXOX
Alexis