hi

I feel pretty boo monday today. For weeks I think about blogable things on my way to work but don't blog them.

I helped move friends from Astoria to the Bronx this weekend. That was Saturday. Sunday was a total total wash.

Being single is not the enemy. As ever though, seriously, as EVER, it would really be nice to be spending more time cuddling with someone and doing stuff with someone. I have a friend going through a breakup now in LA. It's a little rough because she is very open about being terrified of being alone. I feel like she's quite a few years late to that party and I've dealt with that many times over and she runs a risk of offending me which she has already in the past, and I always just let go by. It feels mean to feel this way. There are a lot of issues there and it had me tossing and turning last night til I picked up the phone and called the one who likes me so in TX. I really can't get into it on the blog. Wouldn't be right.

Tonight I'll clean a little and start a book. Talk to my friend in the depths of despair. This isn't so bad. I guess that moving to Texas plan should advance. The problem is when things pick up a little (which is exactly every two weeks) I'm like hold your horses there Alexis -- it's taken a while to get yourself this little and happy too-expensive place to just be you in and you do have some theater connex in New York - stay put and good things will happen. Then the guy of the week doesn't follow through with a proper ask out, it's rainy all Sunday, and I'm back to "Move your ass to Texas to a 1 bedroom with a pool." Let's consider this the plan for September and refuse to visit my friend who says she needs me to. I can't. I'm moving in September and have to save time and money.

love
Alexis

I am going to

rise like a Phoenix. I will be awesome again.

I'm not even in dust. But more awesomeness will return without any need for total dust. It will return in summer. Spring will continue to be weird and vaguely horrible, but by Summer, yes.

I take back everything I said in sympathy for the rich bosses. They just laid off all my coworking peers just about and my boss - they're divorced from reality. They don't know what she does. She does everything! I'm a fool. I shoulda known. I just called my brother to whine and rave and he was like, yea, don't make a habit of this... but he did say he's there if I need him. And yo, I'm being a baby. I'm fine.

So a salad and some chili are on the way. I guess I'll watch TV. lord lord lord I'd rather drink and have sex. but I am old I am old and couldn't wake up for glorious work if I did that. I would like to beat depression to death with all of my might and pass out at the moment of its death and dream of a world of love.

love
Alexis

I am

actually blogging in bed and can't believe how long it's been since I've done this (not since the old studio ) - bed is good. bed is great.

boys are bad. boys are bad. this post will be not of the graceful witty confessional type but of the shilling for commiseration with Chrissy type. Kelly too?

What is really amazing and unlike how it should be -- but it's a recurring thing and is definitely how it it - is that boys don't call after you have drunk sex. It seems like they will because it was really good and there were all these comments about "next time." Well, it's a damn shame because my response to that (good sex after drinks with a truly nice friend) is sometimes (and who knows where and when? no fast rule): Let me at it (coach)! -- Could we consider having one of these "relationship" things where we have sex and have fun together? but -

okay, but -(and here is the part where I finally figure out what bothers me about the "he's just not that into you" catchphrase phenomenon)

but, if he hasn't called then he "is just not that into me" and out of self respect I move on.

I don't want to get into details of anything. I guess my point is that while I think "he's just not that into you" is a fair enough thing that women should understand -- you definitely don't want to be a girl making up a story for someone who is in fact not that into you, my point is be flexible with yourself, because I, for one, may know a boy is just not that into me, but I'm still gonna call him if we were kind of friends before and make sure I get some more explanation than that. (I mean more explanation than none) He's just not that into me - well sure, I won't start the wedding planning, but as much as I deserve to have that knowledge - that if someone isn't trying then the reason is that they don't care to try, so too do I deserve not to shoulder the considering of it. I'm saying that personally I like to confirm that it was interesting later, that I felt certain ways about it, that we're supposed to be friends and so I would have appreciated a phone call. that's just me. I think it's a little bit bullshit that the solution to how guys'll not call you and you'll feel high and dry is supposedly to figure out "they're not that into you." I think that that's half of it, but you might also need to talk about it - if you have some other existing relationship like friendship or coworkerness or something. That's not cool that its just my job to understand he's not interested. If it's an obvious one night stand that's one thing. or if we're like internet dating or something... in those situations, no phonecalls mean that people just aren't that into eachtoher. Easy. But if there is any pre-existing relationship, then I think "he's just not that into you" is great as a catchphrase that's totally spot-on about where you stand. But it absolves the non-caller, the not-into person just a little too much.

At least me - i felt kind of excited to reconnect with the person inciting this posting. But he didn't follow up about hanging out this weekend so I get he's just not that into me. But it makes me feel better to think about just calling him next week and telling him what I felt and thought was going on. I resent the catchphrase for the same reason I resent so many things that I should just ignore: oversimplifies, acts like I'VE got a problem. And you know, I know when I got problems. this is not my problem. there are other problems.

i like how inarticulate this is. I'm sure chrissy's gonna know what I mean too. She's awesome.

Anyway though - I'm silly- because "he's just not that into you but if you had a preexisting relationship of any kind you can make a phone call to get straight with each other" is a too long catchphrase that would diminish the point of the catchphrase for people who need to hear it because they're annoying their friends. I still like it though, So, as usual, i wish i were queen and made all the rules.

XO

"OhmyGod I felt so sad for that retarded kid today"

That's my overheard in new york of yesterday as i don't know what to call this post yet.

kungfuramone shouted out my blog on his blog as being of the confessional type. Maybe this means peeps of his are gonna read it. I figure I better write something new then, because other wise they're just gong to read my last confession of stockholm syndrome in regards to working around financial people.

Count Fosco (but I like to call him Focso) is really good - I read that one all the time KFR.

oh no-- I have to go do work - just got an email. That's such bad news. I was going to try and confess all sorts of things... Later I guess.

Love
me

I haven't been writing

because I have too much to say. Or I feel that I observe so much. I've spent the last week in the ceo's office and I hear the emotions that come out of the financial crisis for people who live finance - I don't have many conclusions - I hear the language of money though, and I also know the life, but not by living it. I've never envied the co-ceo, the ceo's son. I work for above the boards people. Amazingly, mind-blowingingly wealthy, but above the boards, and with nothing if not a sense of responsibility. It looks like the weight of the world to me. It's funny that Atlas stands carrying in front of our buliding.

I've been amazed by the boys' club (some girls may be in it too but it's a boys' club) of "libertarian," and "market" and "cycles." I also think there's value to all those ideas. They're ideas, and they do things to the world. Today, about to climb 66 flights to the Top of the Rock (charity event - it was okay actually! Tiring... especially near the top) we found ourselves looking at two "communist" murals that were installed in the 30's. They had gears, and people in overalls and caps... uh... laboring. A (n attractive - how come I haven't noticed this) guy (? 'cuz he's too fratty) notes the communist murals. I say, "The only way to happiness is through hard incessant labor." I say it medium quietly and so I have to repeat it and be like "oh, I mean I think that sounds communist." They're like Yeah, all this art deco stuff is from the thirties. I say, "You know they give tours... we should all go on a tour" (it was a company thing and top of the rock belongs to the company. I probably have to erase this post because it identifies who I work for?) So the first guy says, "Oh I give tours! Yea i give the tours, but I leave out the Communist part?" I go, "why?" Didn't get an answer to that. They say, hey well, isn't that though, isn't it scoialism? You know, now that the government owns a share of the banks, isnt that, I mean isn't it socialism? yeah, says one, "In communism it's like one dictator." So I'm like, well yea, that's what happens, but communism is the idea that the means of production belongs to the people. Dude's like "yea... the proletariat." I'm like, sure, un-hunh. :) !

My point is, A) these guys are very nice guys - too bad we didn't go for brunch. I don't even know for sure that they're part of the boys club I mentioned (but would bet on yes, they are.) but B!... B) Why would you not mention the communism of a communist mural giving a tour of a building that depicts recent history of our market? That communist mural is in a building designed for advancing that market we all love so much. Americans may be undone by their discomfort with ideas. Usually, these guys have a damn script running, where the new deal never really helped the economy and only the war really did that and ... selective memory! turned into a script! Why the simplification? All these people are smart enough not to do it. And also I want to yell that I don't know about your ultra-performing market but isn't it clear that job creation is the thing. Labor - labor is a part of the market fools. You don't have to censor the part about people being communists in the thirties and that being a positive story about our national character. When we had to, we pulled together. Why did we make that a dirty concept later? These guys were totally nice; I just get frustrated when people act turn ideas into dirty words. Call people communists! Call them aliens from Mars! I've always thought the one thing we do have is free speech. It's my, probably naive belief, that the best thing about Americans is that, for the most part, we'd manage to go collectively fucking crazy if they tried to really take away free speech. The dangerous thing is our taking it away from ourselves, equating things that are not the same for I don't know what reason - like idiocy and compassion. That one really worries me. But anyway, if it makes anyone feel better, the people running my company are rich but not discompassionate. I am not in favor of a guillotine at all. I feel optimistic, - they're not enjoying nothing but bad news after nothing but good news for so long. But, at least in New York, Bloomberg, some other big guys, they want to help and they're smart. I just wish they could share my loving feelings for Obama.

That I feel clear about. Taxing the rich is something I feel a bit unclear about. Someone's got to be taxed and so I guess it better be them. Okay. So I actually feel really clear about all of this. I'm just at work too often keeping my mouth firmly shut about it. Glad I could get to this blog post.