okay then 9/11

I don't have much to say except that I still start to cry when I see it falling. It's been seven years so I guess that it's always going to be something I can't watch without starting to cry. This was very weird when I saw Farenheit 9/11 in LA and people laughed at George Bush reading the goat book and I didn't know how they could do that so close on the footage of the towers falling, I've never felt disengaged from that image. I've never compartmentalized it. I'm not much of a compartmentalizer in any sense - I'm not congratulating myself or anything- but I can tell that some people can see it and put it somewhere different than "no" which I've never had any reaction but.

One day it will be just a famous day in school that kids aren't quiet during the assembly for. That is history and that's how it goes - again I'm not being self-righteous because I can't help crying when I'm looking at it. It's not a relevant thing - it's just a thing. I wonder though -- that school assembly thing is just a theory i just wrote. Maybe that footage will always be so potent that there will always be some reverence for it. But I don't think they should show that footage to kids. On the actual day I felt the media was traumatizing me - showing it over and over -- I'm now watching TV and letting myself see it though.

If I watch tv shows about 9/11 on 9/11 I don't quite know what I'm doing. Torturing myself? So I think it takes the place of Yom Kippur.

I don't know.

a thought from supposedly writing at the least regrouping land

Writing is basically a triumph over anxiety - at least in my case - I'm thinking many people's cases though.

What you're up against is basically a fear that somehow you won't finish. You're stopped by that. Don't start and not finish. Don't take this somewhere where it will be harder to finish. But you must write things down anyway - and trust your subconscious just a little bit.

Create a structure and hope that you cannot ruin it. Hope that going somewhere else won't ruin it.

I mean this is particularly true for me probably. Me of will-just-fragment-and-fragment-if-you-let-me.

I went to a chiropractor and it was cool. Shoulder hurt less than constantly for about five hours. back to same old problem today though.

this shoulder problem is because of that stupid skiing on ice decision which I did to feel hardcore last March. dumb.

So anyway, I need to buy a heating pad.

and don't forget to write and finish. And not worry about finishing before I even sit down.

there's no possibility of not checking my email and getting up and smoking cigarettes and stopping and walking around though so don't even worry about it. Take a thousand hours to write it - you took time off after all.

love
Alexis

Briefly

So my eharmony bf came over to watch football last night which was fun. We also made plans for me to cook and to watch Sopranos friday.

However, at 4am last night I asked him if he would shave that goatee off on Friday. I've told him I don't really like the goatee before. He was so insulted that he left! At 4am!

I'm kinda like, not dying to apologize because really? leaving? isn't that more dramatic than I want to get into. I must be crazy waiting for some kind of man man that deosn't storm off like a "woman."

Am I wrong?

I'm too bored about this to write all the details.

But maybe I'm really horrible.

Still -I think leaving was seriously excessive and that it's not my turn to apologize. It's only hair! I just want to see what he'd look like without the hair on his chin!

Leaving? At four in the morning? I don't think i like him anymore although watching football was fun. I think he said something about how he won't be berrated--- I wasn't berrating. I was only asking. I don't know -- I htink this is in the realm of simply too sensitive. even if there was some comparable thing - which there isn't - but if there was and I was insulted becasue he said at 4am, lke "would you cut your hair in a bob for me - you can bet I wouldn't get all my clothes on and go over it.

Also, this writing thing is fits and starts.

XO
A

Hello everybody

I am back from Texas. I am on my leave of absence. It's about as wonderful as I thought it would be so far! I wrote two weird pages of hopefully the frame for sexual tension a rama so far today. The frame is fear of flying - oh man. And now I'm back at the internet, obviously, and not good - so just for a bit and then iced coffee and then put in an album and then power through til therapy sesh and then after that dinner with myfriendsH&G.

God I love you all so much. Life is good -- travel is weird - that is going into my "real" writing though. Still I'll tell you I have become so insane that being anywhere but New York (not because it's NY necessarily but just because I think it's where I live) feels weird. Like I'm like - how did I get here - I'm so many miles from home - how weird. Who am I? What am I? Where am I? hey kids, don't take drugs. :)

I am happy right now.

XO
A