I've been out of it

A real space cadet.

Today, Monday, I was apparently supposed to show up at work at 7:30am to do front desk, and it was "on the calendar" last Friday - Friday I was unassigned and came to work, found a desk, and cried a little in the morning and read articles and watched Kathy Griffin on youtube in the afternoon.

I mean the point is I got here at 9:00am today because although I may have ... technically... like eyes may have seen... seen this on the calendar, I was in a mind to chop off my hair methodically with a jackknife, eyes locked on the mirror a la Legends of the Fall last Friday. I predict that there will not be any consequences to this slip up here though. Except that asking for a raise will have to wait a couple months. Which I thought it would anyway. And I won't get it anyway. But be honest, even if I waited two years, she, my boss - who I'd describe because she's somewhat just-so and in that way very likable to me, but I don't wanna start with describing bosses on my internet blog, but who perhaps should have sent me an email if I had to come in at 7:30am on a Monday, will still bring this up. When our old boss got laid off and they threw her, her new assistant, in out of the blue, she took it to heart, she really did. But she's a good girl and I like her. I consider her smart. Knowing who pays you is smart - always has been- but it's so non-negotiable nowadays...

Anyhow - a koan for you - what is more awful than someone standing in front of a closed elevator wearing a tie, head bowed, typetypetyping on his blackberry oblivious to how awful he is? Nothing. Nothing is worse than that. Let me break it down for you. There's nothing wrong with a man in a shirt and tie waiting for an elevator, whether he be distracted, thoughful, lost in thought, aware, smiling, frowning, looking up, looking down - none of this appraoches awful; all of this is fine. That same man staring at his own fucking thumbs held juste, juste a peine above his own sad belly button a tap tappin', a tappity tappin' thumbs - completely consumed by those big thumbs, that little screen. Awful. Just... Awful.

I went on this really terrible painfully undermining date on Thursday. It made me cry Friday. And by Saturday the emotion had morphed into one that was oddly affirming. (not for nothing - this was with a little help from my friends. Friends called Kelly and GREY GOOSE - you know I am going to tell you everyting in a minute and am just working up to it - bit by little bit - the butler just brought me coffee and I'm supposed to never tell anyone ever that he did so. Oh cry oh weep life is sad and good.) Yesterday I took a pretest LSAT. Gee I feel like I could cry this morning again. What weird gyroscope of feeling am I in? Suppose it's called late February early March and is always like this.

Well let me say this before I tell you about the date because I guess that's the assignment. I still love Mad Men. I mean a lot. I can't believe how broad it is in terms of story. It's is the kind of thing I'd write --

I have to come back to this later. :) XOXO