Just one thing. (?)

I'm waiting for my aircon to cool down my room.

But the just one thing is lemme tell you, the toughest part about being single and being a secretary is feeling like you have to answer for it all the time.

I don't think I can blame other people for this. As often as not I'm blurting things out, defensive when other people have a different way they're making it. I assume I have to answer for myself and sometimes I'll just blurt/ cut to the chase. It's pathological and I think I'll try to stop.

At my party this weekend, I embarrassed the crap out of myself suddenly blurting out something about "When I sprained my ankle, I was dating a millionaire, so he got me a car service - I don't know what I would have done without it." It's so weird that I said this. I suppose I'm ashamed by that entire affair. Leave it to me to address shame by trying to act like it's nothing and leaving people speechless. I have to say I didn't realize immediately that that whole thing was antithetical to beliefs it turns out I hold, and deeply, but blurting out that it happened to people who don't know all about me - I won't necessarily have a chance to get to the "then I realized it was antithetical to me" part and so I just sound pretty ridiculous. Maybe even pathetic. How awful.

My little sister is going to Yale and today was her graduation. More no one particularly making me feel like I have to answer for anything but more me feeling that way anyway.

I'll come back to this tomorrow I suppose. I bet my room is cool now. I am merely saying that it sucks I don't have one thing to point to that would make me feel like people weren't judging me as coming up a little short. Also, I probably have to suck that up, and not do this "I'm still naive and that's okay!" thing, because I feel bad about the entire millionaire fiasco and I think maybe in this, my twenty seventh year, I ought to resolve not to engage in things that feel like they may have some un-righteous element that figures large - because even if I don't yet know HOW it will turn out to be wrong, I should still be able to surmise that it will somehow and I shouldn't do things that compromise my ability to feel proud, since natural pride is what I seek.

Anyway, Summer is here. my apartment is a great one. I'll be dating. watch this space for what happens there. (can't I not? really....)

love
Alexis