it is so easy for people to feel threatened.
I was thinking about this this morning. I started thinking about gay mariage and why straight people care and , clearly enough - in fact I think they say so outright-straight people who object think the existence of another kind of marriage threatens their kind of marriage. I think everyone should individually think about what they want a marraige they would be involved in to be. I think this would make for better marriages. Fat chance-ola on most people giving this emotional energy and consideration, but if people treated their lives and their choices as unique, then I think they'd be less threatened by other people doing the same.
I'm not exempt from sometimes feeling threatened by difference. I think there's no crime in stealing what you like and discarding what you don't like from something you've observed is a different way and feel threatened by. I am so modern!
Because I have nothing to do here, I've been following every turn of this thing that was in the Sunday NYT magazine. This girl got blog fame, blogging about her personal life, also being mean about things on Gawker. She wrote a 9 out of 10 narcissistic essay all about it... ten pages long about two years od her life and how bad it all got - internet addiction, losing privacy, etc. Then people ripped her to shreds: "get a life" and outrage at the NYT for giving it so much space and "get over yourself" and how many times the word "I" and all this... Now she's still employed as a blogger, so it's clear enough it's a spiral situation we have here-- justifying and unjustifying and driving herself crazy.
My overall take is that people are just terribly threatened and largely attack when threatened. In retrospect, I'm sure she wishes she'd done a little reseach in the field - since she does have a problem with making stories excessively about herslef.
But overall, I certainly wasn't outraged by it! I'm narcissistic enough myself so maybe that's why I'm not that threatened by narcissism. I'm more threatened by stupidity - because dude, I am smart. So, yeah, I got no problem with personal essays or personal essays that run in the New York Times, or narcissistic young women in crisis with writing skills. The essay is basically like being inside her immature crisis, but that's interesting enough! And tells us something about how fucked up things are -- considering all the problems in the world that angry old people were just dying to point out (outraged-ly -- there's a war! climate change! --everything else that's covered in the hundreds of thousands of other words in the Sunday NYT! Those things: It's very hard for the smart individual to know if there's anything she can do about them --- I thought the girl revealing the extent of her introspection and self-obsession commented on this -- although she probably should have mentioned it was commenting on that if it was, which she didn't.)
Many people thought she should turn her talents to work that helps the world. True enough.
I would like to know how to do that.
It's very confusing all the different value systems out there - how deeply flawed some of them are... and the staggering rewards of signing up for some of them which are shallow. Of course the rewards are rewards from within the same system (i.e. work with money, make money... deal with fame, be around fame....)
Anyway, I think the girl needs a vacation and people should let her be. She's going to drive herself mad.
I also think it's sad to see the way people think as soon as they feel threatened. It's so useless feeling superior. Feeling superior was a crime to which she was (at least attempting to be) coming clean and people went and felt all superior on her, and it is ugly to see.
God knows how much I hate the girl at work who talks shit about me. I practically shake every time I see her.
Love to you
A
Friday, May 30, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
How to cope with your job over the summer
2 pints Stella at lunch.
That is how to cope with your job over the summer.
!
I love you.
-Alexis
That is how to cope with your job over the summer.
!
I love you.
-Alexis
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Thoughts
First, there is a disaster:
When you google my first + last name, this blog can actually be discovered and that is all Eff Gwazdor's fault for convincing me at some point, long ago, when I still living in the disgusting hole and felt like the most anonymous person who ever was, to join technorati - which i did and made myself his "fan" and through this I and my blog are now identified online - eventhough I have "declaimed" my blog etc. upon this discovery.
So, you all can do the math -- my favorite thing about this blog was it being secret.
So it's probably near its demise unless in the next few days the problem is solved, which it probably won't be.
I can't have acquaintances able to access this much information about me. This is what I always feared Eff! -- If you see our old discussions about public and private, my big concern was that what is unknown about one's opinions and stance is what gives one power and the potential for dignity among the throngs who don't know or need to know the heart of who one is.
So that's the big news in cyber space.
Other thoughts...
I was reading Craigslist missed connex yesterday and one was written to a "big girl" who the author frequently saw crying on the train. The author stressed that he/she (I couldn't figure -- didn't really check) was NOT attracted to said big girl, and didn't want to help in any real sense, but that he/she understood the feeling -- it was, he/she said, the feeling of being broken and alone in the big fast city. If he/she could say something it would be something like "I get it, sister."
My feeling about this is I HOPE the big girl does not read this missed connections post. That post is just the coldest comfort ever and I think it would smart lots more than nothing at all. It's like, oh great -- my good cries are fucking observed to the point of being posted about on the internet but the closest I am to the connection I'm missing is that someone wants to anonymously call me "sister" from their computer because everyone else is just a miserable usually. At least that's how I'd feel if I read such a thing and it was me. I don't know. Maybe I'm being too hard and the impulse is something in itself. But I feel like this is a problem -I think it's a problem to express cyber-ly and not in actuality.
The other night the millionaire (we're through incidentally - came to my senses - it - my coming to my senses- had something to do with a statement he made about increasing revenue but not cutting costs - this being how he proudly intends to function - closest thing yet to personal philosophy sadly) and I started watching "A Scanner Darkly" and I wondered if he knew the biblical reference. He did not.
When I was a child I thought as a child
But when I became a man I put away childish things
for now we see as through a glass darkly
but then with love face to face.
I forgot how much I love that. The movie wasn't particularly what we sought to watch but connecting the phrase "through a glass darkly" to anything technological is right-on enough in my opinion. That's what I'm saying about that craigslist post -- that's what I'm saying about everything all the time!
Course the Bible even goes so far as to say that language separated us from eachotehr - because people got the problem from the beginning didn't they?
If this blog were to coninue I would want to be FUNNIER! We're so overdue for a quiz or peom on here.
I will try to think of something cheerful today. not erasing this yet, but man, maybe I should --- for all I know ex boyfirends are googling me all the time, lookig for exactly this evidence that I continue to struggle with meaning and laughing and laughing and laughing while they enjoy their work and excell in useful studies!
:)
love
Alexis
p.s. Can you tell I'm feeling better?
When you google my first + last name, this blog can actually be discovered and that is all Eff Gwazdor's fault for convincing me at some point, long ago, when I still living in the disgusting hole and felt like the most anonymous person who ever was, to join technorati - which i did and made myself his "fan" and through this I and my blog are now identified online - eventhough I have "declaimed" my blog etc. upon this discovery.
So, you all can do the math -- my favorite thing about this blog was it being secret.
So it's probably near its demise unless in the next few days the problem is solved, which it probably won't be.
I can't have acquaintances able to access this much information about me. This is what I always feared Eff! -- If you see our old discussions about public and private, my big concern was that what is unknown about one's opinions and stance is what gives one power and the potential for dignity among the throngs who don't know or need to know the heart of who one is.
So that's the big news in cyber space.
Other thoughts...
I was reading Craigslist missed connex yesterday and one was written to a "big girl" who the author frequently saw crying on the train. The author stressed that he/she (I couldn't figure -- didn't really check) was NOT attracted to said big girl, and didn't want to help in any real sense, but that he/she understood the feeling -- it was, he/she said, the feeling of being broken and alone in the big fast city. If he/she could say something it would be something like "I get it, sister."
My feeling about this is I HOPE the big girl does not read this missed connections post. That post is just the coldest comfort ever and I think it would smart lots more than nothing at all. It's like, oh great -- my good cries are fucking observed to the point of being posted about on the internet but the closest I am to the connection I'm missing is that someone wants to anonymously call me "sister" from their computer because everyone else is just a miserable usually. At least that's how I'd feel if I read such a thing and it was me. I don't know. Maybe I'm being too hard and the impulse is something in itself. But I feel like this is a problem -I think it's a problem to express cyber-ly and not in actuality.
The other night the millionaire (we're through incidentally - came to my senses - it - my coming to my senses- had something to do with a statement he made about increasing revenue but not cutting costs - this being how he proudly intends to function - closest thing yet to personal philosophy sadly) and I started watching "A Scanner Darkly" and I wondered if he knew the biblical reference. He did not.
When I was a child I thought as a child
But when I became a man I put away childish things
for now we see as through a glass darkly
but then with love face to face.
I forgot how much I love that. The movie wasn't particularly what we sought to watch but connecting the phrase "through a glass darkly" to anything technological is right-on enough in my opinion. That's what I'm saying about that craigslist post -- that's what I'm saying about everything all the time!
Course the Bible even goes so far as to say that language separated us from eachotehr - because people got the problem from the beginning didn't they?
If this blog were to coninue I would want to be FUNNIER! We're so overdue for a quiz or peom on here.
I will try to think of something cheerful today. not erasing this yet, but man, maybe I should --- for all I know ex boyfirends are googling me all the time, lookig for exactly this evidence that I continue to struggle with meaning and laughing and laughing and laughing while they enjoy their work and excell in useful studies!
:)
love
Alexis
p.s. Can you tell I'm feeling better?
Monday, May 12, 2008
la la la la
Myfreindh and her husband G are moving to Astoria!
So THAT couldn't be better news- I'm so excited -- I'm kinda serious about this opening a bookstore idea... I've been thinking about it ALL weekend.
I want to blog but I'm un-focused.
This morning I was ont hte bus from Jersey to NYc listening to Blur The Great Escape... I wish my bus thoughts coud be channeled direcetly onto my blog. That would work!!!
That's a great album and makes me think of how I love Farley - also Amy. It's just fun to remember your favorite album of your sophomore year and the people who said things like "Isn't this the best album ever?" or sent you postcards from stores that had the band on them.
I'm at work and laying low -- actually literally hiding.
XOXOXOXOXOX
Alexis
So THAT couldn't be better news- I'm so excited -- I'm kinda serious about this opening a bookstore idea... I've been thinking about it ALL weekend.
I want to blog but I'm un-focused.
This morning I was ont hte bus from Jersey to NYc listening to Blur The Great Escape... I wish my bus thoughts coud be channeled direcetly onto my blog. That would work!!!
That's a great album and makes me think of how I love Farley - also Amy. It's just fun to remember your favorite album of your sophomore year and the people who said things like "Isn't this the best album ever?" or sent you postcards from stores that had the band on them.
I'm at work and laying low -- actually literally hiding.
XOXOXOXOXOX
Alexis
Thursday, May 8, 2008
I saw my favorite play last night
I really think it is my favorite play. "Top Girls" by Caryl Churchill.
I think I will be freakish about it and try to see it as many times as I possibly can while it is on Broadway. Next time definitely from a much closer row.
It was great to see it because as you may have noticed I'm in need of inspriation and while it doesn't send me off writing or something, it actually puts me in that mental space where I feel like there is a such thing in the world as an "idea" -- something intangible that you can only write a play around -- not just say in a sentence or write off with a sentence. Being depressed lately has felt like there's a summary for everything and it's "So what?" or "what's the difference." Seeing this play is like entering that so-hard-to-find-mental-place that's more like "Yes--- I agree? Can I 'agree' with dialogue and scenarios? Yes. I know what this is, I see what this is about."
I'll spare you my review of the production becasue no one knows this play. I was so lucky to see it in London years ago. I need to go back and sit in a row where I can see anyway...
XOXO -- thanks so much for sending little thoughts that you hope I feel better by the way. I'm totally impressed with myself that I kind of do! I actually am seeing a real life therapist this evening because I was so tear-y earlier in the week I decided it would be a good thing. We'll see! Wouldn't it be awful if this blog became things I said in actual therapy!?!? I promise not to do that.
love
Alexis
I think I will be freakish about it and try to see it as many times as I possibly can while it is on Broadway. Next time definitely from a much closer row.
It was great to see it because as you may have noticed I'm in need of inspriation and while it doesn't send me off writing or something, it actually puts me in that mental space where I feel like there is a such thing in the world as an "idea" -- something intangible that you can only write a play around -- not just say in a sentence or write off with a sentence. Being depressed lately has felt like there's a summary for everything and it's "So what?" or "what's the difference." Seeing this play is like entering that so-hard-to-find-mental-place that's more like "Yes--- I agree? Can I 'agree' with dialogue and scenarios? Yes. I know what this is, I see what this is about."
I'll spare you my review of the production becasue no one knows this play. I was so lucky to see it in London years ago. I need to go back and sit in a row where I can see anyway...
XOXO -- thanks so much for sending little thoughts that you hope I feel better by the way. I'm totally impressed with myself that I kind of do! I actually am seeing a real life therapist this evening because I was so tear-y earlier in the week I decided it would be a good thing. We'll see! Wouldn't it be awful if this blog became things I said in actual therapy!?!? I promise not to do that.
love
Alexis
Monday, May 5, 2008
Work it out
Sometimes doing a state of the Alexis address is very purging and in that way helpful; other times, it doens't really get me anywhere, and I'm not clear enough on anything to really work anything out. But let's do it anyway - eventhough I just feel like a directionless hundred ten pounds of girl person (so attractive - so fantastic in the sack - and so on-my-own regardless!) these days.
So, I actually hope I get into Iowa and if I get in, I'll go. If there is one thing I've realized about Life Right Now it's that while I might have moments of great aspiration, ambition, and hope, New York doesn't need me here and it's more important that I as an organism find a place to do some kind of craft than that I be in New York City.
If I am accepted to Iowa, which I really may not be, and I go, that will be sad that MyfriendH will have finally moved to New York at the same tiem I'm leaving and that wonderful A & M will be here in about a year. But I'll have to go, if I get in. For those of you moving here, I'm the original New Yorker - I understand New York better than you - New York loves me more than you - and even in my absentia these thoughts ought to haunt you! I'm fucking iconic and just because only you and me know that doesn't make it less true.
I haven't been able to write at all lately -- too much in a rut, too circular my thinking, too bored with absolutely everything. too desirous of someone to do my errands with me.
i mean how it's so crazy -- when I think I have someone - in whatever sense - just someone thinking about me, in any way prioritizing me - sudddenly I can go buy a new dresser, buy flowers, keep things together, produce writing... and how, when I don't, I'll watch TV all day even when the sun's out and drug myself to bed as soon as appropriate. What gives? you know --- it's really not strange at all. I've been on my own for I think three years now. eventually yourself doesn't seem like enough of a person to be championing day in day out hour to hour.
So, here's hoping I get into Iowa guys... otherwise you're gonna have a rough time listening to me try to keep myself a happy girl on my own and get next years applications done while not-giving-a-shit-about-anything for the next long while.
I love you with all of my heart.
Alexis
So, I actually hope I get into Iowa and if I get in, I'll go. If there is one thing I've realized about Life Right Now it's that while I might have moments of great aspiration, ambition, and hope, New York doesn't need me here and it's more important that I as an organism find a place to do some kind of craft than that I be in New York City.
If I am accepted to Iowa, which I really may not be, and I go, that will be sad that MyfriendH will have finally moved to New York at the same tiem I'm leaving and that wonderful A & M will be here in about a year. But I'll have to go, if I get in. For those of you moving here, I'm the original New Yorker - I understand New York better than you - New York loves me more than you - and even in my absentia these thoughts ought to haunt you! I'm fucking iconic and just because only you and me know that doesn't make it less true.
I haven't been able to write at all lately -- too much in a rut, too circular my thinking, too bored with absolutely everything. too desirous of someone to do my errands with me.
i mean how it's so crazy -- when I think I have someone - in whatever sense - just someone thinking about me, in any way prioritizing me - sudddenly I can go buy a new dresser, buy flowers, keep things together, produce writing... and how, when I don't, I'll watch TV all day even when the sun's out and drug myself to bed as soon as appropriate. What gives? you know --- it's really not strange at all. I've been on my own for I think three years now. eventually yourself doesn't seem like enough of a person to be championing day in day out hour to hour.
So, here's hoping I get into Iowa guys... otherwise you're gonna have a rough time listening to me try to keep myself a happy girl on my own and get next years applications done while not-giving-a-shit-about-anything for the next long while.
I love you with all of my heart.
Alexis
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Today
for breakfast I had goldfish and ginger ale on the train. I feel like a real New Yorker when I eat junk food on the train at 8:30am.
Last night when we met for writing night, I posited that I'd be happy to reschedule actual writing and go eat drink and vent instead 'cuz I was frickin suicidal. J felt suicidal too and Y had lots to talk about and it was defintiely the thing. So now Saturday is writing day and that's cool.
Love
Alexis
Last night when we met for writing night, I posited that I'd be happy to reschedule actual writing and go eat drink and vent instead 'cuz I was frickin suicidal. J felt suicidal too and Y had lots to talk about and it was defintiely the thing. So now Saturday is writing day and that's cool.
Love
Alexis
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