So

I need: a textbook, characters

Time

Another reason The Civil War documentary is fascinating is the speed of the leaps in technology bringing us to today.

I am excited because I think I know where I'd like to start writing something new, a little, an inkling, and that is really really exciting. The pilot I sometimes talk about - I apparently have no desire to work on it. ( I still have to. I will.)

My tentative name for my new play is "death wish". That's the idea I think it's centered on and I want to set it in now and in Civil War Days. Ambitious is one of my good traits... we hope. ;-)

No, it is really exciting to have a big idea, barest thoughts of some kind of frame. And something I want to research. It's a relief- I was just starting to worry and be impatient for that.

What do I know about how people lived during the Civil War?

The World

I am watching the Ken Burns Civil War documentary on Netflix streaming. It makes you think.

This documentary has fascinated me completely any time I've watched it. I'm on Episode 3 now - Emancipation proclamation might arrive by the end of it? I'm not sure how far off it is.

Watching the lead-up to the War, "The Cause", secession, the beginning, Manassas, Shiloh this really grabs me: War is people killing one another. That is what it *is* right?

When it comes to the Civil War, before the first battles are fought, the men write that they are having the time of their lives. When they are learning to sleep in heavy dew while marching 25 miles and rubbing sticks together and whatnot, they feel more alive than ever.

Then they experience "the horrors of war" and they use this phrase "the horrors of war" because they know, as one must, that war is horrible, and this is the phrase used for it.

There are at least 12 reasons that this documentary is fascinating. But what gets me amazed early on is just war itself - we're at war now in a very very different way.

See.. I keep wanting to veer off in a hundred directions of comparison but I won't. What I'm trying to say is we still do this. We still have ideas all around and about war, and excitement by the meaning it could give dying, I think. But when we talk about it, if we talk about it, we let it, "War", become something else. It is people killing each other. It is "the horrors of war". Predictions for the civil war imagined it would be over very quickly. Well why would it be? Some things never change. When two sides fight against each other, killing, 'til one has to surrender and one must be called the victor, why would that ever end quickly and why would it be anything but horrifying bloodshed?

The Civil War also has you, or has me anyway, from the start because slavery was evil. Then you have people living in that world before telephones and so on. These people believed in God. So the stakes are so.... meaningful? I'm not doing so great at writing this.

I suppose I'm saying that the Civil War makes you think about Religion too. Makes you think about life and death and principles. And slavery. I'm not sure "we" could ever be done repairing for slavery if we wanted to and tried to. And the "we" is funny there because I'm an Eastern European Jew, but I'm also a white American... you see how I could go off in many directions here...? But you don't know why you were born you and not a slave, in America and not Bahrain, and so on. We'll never know that. We as in people. And I think also we, as in people, will never quite remember that to go to war is to court your death. That idea is just too exciting.

I could go on all day now about tragedy but I'm going to stop.

Lots of love,
Alexis

Sing it with me!

I Love Unemployment. (apologies to the Movement, but should be sung to tune of "We Shall Overcome")

They should do an interview segment with me on Fox News in the morning so heads can really get hot. Me: "I think I deserve this."

lol. at my own self. ha.

xo

is

following crazy dreams... ... Dude. Ah, I can't just write to this like a diary. Mostly it's raining, I'm on facebook too much. Happy, happy indulging in crazy and happy, but yet happier that Spring is going to come. Always slightly concerned... you know. :-) xo

The topic of the moment- porn, performance, gender, feminism

Lately my little brother is this disaster of inertia and litany of the world's ill. He would sort of like to live on a farm.

And lately I have been watching some great comedy online and reading magazines and papers. On youtube I went from exhaustive Doug Stanhope listening to Doug Stanhope & Alex Jones to Joe Rogan & Alex Jones to Joe Rogan.

Oddly enough, on the phone the other day my friend C said when it came to just getting money and attention for living your life (a concept I've since heard referred to as Nietzschian, but sub "as art" for money and attention - go figure) a reality show was probably the only way. And I replied "Yeah - the idea of ever doing that in any way went out the window for me when I saw Fear Factor." I had certainly forgotten the host of that show's name but it's Joe Rogan. And he's not the owner of Girls Gone Wild Corporation but he "hosted" a video at some point apparently. ("Host" in quotes because what a funny word for that. I can't but hear Joel Grey interject in "Wilkomen" "I... Am... Your... Host.") As did Doug Stanhope who mentions it and mentions it as something stupid he agreed to take the money for. They apparently hosted "The Man Show" together in the nineties. Well all I remember about that is bikini girls on a trampoline. That's all.

Maybe I'm making a short story long (I'm not.) The thing is this: I like Howard Stern. I think Doug Stanhope's fantastic. Joe Rogan is who I'm focused on though. Joe Rogan is a buff asshole. A Boston type. He tells people off like an asshole but he does so when he's technically in the right. As a feminist I really don't have a problem with being an asshole- see, this is actually my point whenever I get to it. One of my favorite blogs turned out to have a post called "That's Your Boyfriend: Joe Rogan": it's a joke because JR taped himself telling off a kid who like clockwork lingers around him when he's naked in the gym locker room and posted it. The idea being that there are hundreds of other ways to intervene in a creepy situation like that that don't involve making it public at all. I'm always willing to be a full disclosure person though and full disclosure- he is hot and he has cool things to say and he's so vain it's sick. That's the kind of thing that gives me a little sexual chemistry rush. So burn me on a pyre.... probably.

Here's what disappoints me:(The World. haha) I give people, male or female, license to be douchebags when they have something to say. I really love to hear intelligent people think uncensored. So Doug Stanhope and Joe Rogan on Alex Jones or Joe Rogan talking about what he experiences on hallucinogens, the epiphanies about consciousness- how dolphins totally have advanced consciousness (I think about this too!!) - that is all great. And all I want, all I want is for anything to come up on a google search of "Joe Rogan Feminism" is within 50 pages to get one thing other than an amateur video of him drunkenly telling off some feminist of renown(? who is she?) who approaches him oddly and has the arrogance only someone who moves in academia can. I mean you can guess what this video is and what are the comments are. "Femisits are morons Joe Rogan Rules he destroyed that bitch" blah blah.

The fact is, Joe Rogan is this cocky jerk who can talk about consciousness and believes as I do that if you were born into another persons circumstances, chemical and otherwise if there is an otherwise, you would be that person. Having heard him say this, I am unwilling to believe that he wouldn't be able off the top of his head to say something kind of interesting... you know, maybe, kind of, about Girls Gone Wild- what I mean is to think a little specifically on having a vagina circumstances. Why not? The discussion isn't there and that's where I'd like to see a change.

In my fantasy there is a woman with a talk show. She is savvy and as funny and interesting as a man. It's ridiculous that I have to qualify that. There are as many of these as each other on both sides. Of course. The woman could be a little arrogant as some (almost all) men who fit this description are or she could be a little more modest, self deprecating. That's a harder line to take. She could be comic and eviscerating but also have a pathos for terrible things and cruel fortune. She could attribute some of that pathos to being a woman. Or she could think otherwise. But she would have a platform to talk about ideas with other iconoclasts and she would bring feminism, bring attitudes about women and their circumstances into the conversation. Can you imagine?

I could write a play of my fantasy and that isn't much of a play. Obviously she has to be strung up or something at the end. That damned requirement of dramatic arc.

I did find a great blog when I was trying to find anybody's thoughts on pop culture and current based feminism. (It's called "Rage against the ManChine)This woman makes great points but she can't stand to watch Bill Maher, for example, given the way he looks right through women sometimes and has stuff to say about masculinity being lost that is so juvenile and offensive. It is profoundly annoying. She's right. Meanwhile, super annoyingly for me, it' a perspective i am willing to listen to sometimes - I'm that hungry for people to be out front with how they treat gender or how they seethe if they seethe, which is no way to go, but I'll even take it. I mean this is part of the inequality that is really rough. I'll listen to men be unfair about women. I want to hear what people really think. And I'm so used to a male perspective that I'll even laugh when a man gets something silly about women right understanding that perspective. I don't see the reverse happening often- or at all really in a public forum - not from heterosexual men.

Take Bill Maher's gripe about "pussification" - one of my favorite things I've heard from Camille Paglia is this great point that car mechanics treat her with an idea in mind somewhere that she's desirable, "feminine" for lack of a better word that makes her life better while her male peers unsex her and that sucks (obvious paraphrase). Right there with her. But she gets to be "divisive" in her community while Maher gets to be a public figure.

The last thing is that all the magazines now are on about porn and it affecting men's libidos. Oh so NOW we can talk about porn affecting us. It isn't "humorless" to obsess when you're a man and your dick is soft for sex!!!!! (p.s. I put "performance"in this post's title because Peggy Orenstien's new book apparently says that that's kind of what younger girls today are going for rather than experiencing sex for pleasure. So that's good that's out there. Thanks Peggy O.)

So now I am just testifying. :-) The porn thing is really interesting and somewhat horrifying. And what I am dreaming of is a forum where aside from asking about Climate Change and The War on Drugs and the hot topics for social onlookers, they're also asked, "So given that you hosted The Man Show, what do you think about that? What do you hear from women? Thoughts?" I know... it's too crazy to imagine.

XOXO
me

The bar

and Hugo.

I took myself to the bar the other night. I saw my friend Hugo. I'm really struck by him.

To just describe myself... to just do that... well I haven't had a group of friends in a long time. We could identify college as the last time, but even in college I felt that the fact that I did was only because of the set-up of college. When the last semester arrived, we in my group of friends spoke about not being able to call each other up and go to Blockbuster anymore. That did seem like it would be a transition, but I was excited to leave Rochester, not too concerned about the Blockbuster problem because I wanted to drive across the country and be free- I liked my friends but I wasn't in love with them. There was one night I suddenly cried a lot, timed wrong with the night my friends cried a lot. And I was sad driving back to NJ with all my things, especially as I'd had to say goodbye to my roommate, who was one I did love and would miss being so close to. It was nothing a shower didn't pretty much put to bed though- there was a lot of possibility ahead, Los Angeles, where a friend awaited, and sex: I was enthused about sex in LA. (and love, lest you be confused that I was ever any good at that differentiation)

The most important group of friends to me then was still from High School days though, a memory of a group, the friends I met at summer smart camp. This is still that group that I remember such a purity of love for, love that I knew even then I'd always be missing. For me, 14- 17 years old was the time when everything was right for the sensation of discovery, discovery of friendship and love- of delight that I thought people were interesting and wonderful and they thought I was too- which made it so special. It seems to me that in later parts of life, like now, some alcohol facilitates some "hanging out with people" being fun and funny and kind. It is not the same thing by any stretch, but when too isolated, I'll put on some clothes and go to the bar. It's best to bring a book or something because I do not have a best friend in Astoria who is single, available for impromptu bar outings. (sidenote: some people must have this and something about them must be different but I'm not interested enough to figure out what that is. It's obviously elemental and therefore irrelevant.) That this is where I live makes it acceptable however. Because I'd really feel a bit a fool - or it's just too outsize an effort to the casualness of the deisred effect, putting on clothes and makeup and going to sit at a bar alone in Manhattan to see what happens. It has to be Astoria.

The other important element of this discussion is I think that I've been living alone for 5 years, or maybe 6.

So about five years ago, I was in a shittier apartment, but still near the same bar I went to four nights ago. Then as now, I went there from time to time, alone. It's usually months between visits, then and now. But perhaps five years ago, there were probably months where I went more than twice, less than five times. I didn't feel "in" with the regulars and I think I did contemplate that thing from the sidenote above- as in, why can I not joke around with these hip bar people? Why am I not a bar regular up to speed with all these freinds? Not excessively though because even then the answer was who knows; I'm just not.

But anyway Hugo lives in Astoria. Hugo's a regular. Hugo's in some kind of pornographically named punk band he only speaks of to relentlessly denigrate . Hugo stops in a few times a night in between doing stuff with musicians and walking dogs.

Five years ago I was wasted and he walked me home to my shithole.

Four nights ago, I was sitting with my book and when Hugo sees me his look of recognition is *so nice*. He comes over and says hi, says goodbye before he goes, asks if i'll still be there in two hours. I was still there two hours later and he's not drinking these days, just drinking tea. But I sat with him and he seemed, well happy to see me. The point of this writing is that there's such uniqueness to this. The point is my struckness, to let you in on the point if you're confused. Hugo is a funny guy. We were talking about stuff. I asked if he ever wanted kids, knowing the answer, ready to laugh. He said "GOD no - at the most I might like to scotch tape two dogs together and dress them in children's clothes and sneak them into things." ? hahaha.

I said yeah, well, it's really nice to see you too and I like this bar because I don't have a go-to friend in Astoria so I just come here alone and it's always sort of okay, but I'm not a regular, I'm not a regular anywhere. Hugo was like "That's so true! I've never seen you any way but here alone!" He then said it was kind of awesome, that for all he knew I murder people by day. He asked if I don't really have female friends. I told him no not at all, I primarily have female friends, but they don't live here. We made plans to go to Macy's the next day.

I texted in the morning and no one wanted to go to Macy's but he texted back asking if I sing and then sending me this song "gee baby" to listen to and we texted back and forth about it and later I met him, which meant two days in a row, at the bar to drink tea. I only had a credit card: while I looked for it, he looked at me like what's-wrong-with-you and asked if I thought he couldn't buy me a tea. I wasn't trying to offend him of course. I'm sure he can afford to buy me the tea. It appears that actually, the concept of a friend has become so abstract and unreal that I feel, basically, a thousand times more awkward having a cup of tea with a funny friend than being hit on- as is, I think universally, what happens between me and a male at a bar any other given time. I mean not always hit on, but the gist of the possibility of a conversation, underlying it, me and any male, would be either that we're becoming attracted to each other in a way that's going to maybe mean sexual congress, or we're just wasting time with words for lack of any other place to put our attention, not becoming friends. We are not now or becoming friends. Except me and Hugo.

It's very cold here in New York this week. I asked Hugo to walk me home. He said yeah but could he get his headphones from his place first because he has this "attention span thing", he "can't stand to be quiet with his thoughts" such as he would be alone on the walk back. I laughed and said "Do you want to talk about that more?"

When we got here, I said he could come up if he liked, but he didn't, wanted to start an early day the next day. it was much the way he seemed totally reluctant to end up at my apartment extendedly when we first met five years ago when he walked my wasted ass home.

This morning he texted to ask if I've seen a certain werewolf movie. I have not and I (not he) suggested watching it sometime. My point is this is the uniquest thing I know. A male friend. I like it so much. And of course, if he continues to be the only non-sleaze in NYC I know who behaves this way, it'll be the most romantic thing I know as well.

It all reminds me of a zine KFR's first girlfriend made and sent me in high school before they broke up and etc. It was an illustrated guidebook of ways to get your crush to be more than a crush. Suggested things to say each got an illustrated page. The page I remember was "Wanna come over and watch Star Wars?"

My point is that at 30, one of the things that pleases me most in this world is being given the respect, for lack of a better word, I was given once by contemporary boys of 15, 16, and 17 years old. The lack of presumption, the absence of an obvious strategy, even strategy hinted at with irony - the irony doesn't change the unoriginality and unspecialness of what it implies.

When I graduated from college, adult hitting on seemed like it was going to be a pretty good time. From my vantage point now, it turns out I really just want to be asked if I wanna watch Star Wars more than anything.

love you,
Alexis