So I'm pretty morbidly depressed

Hate my job. hate simple maintenence of clean clothes, bills...

Rejected from all schools but Iowa which I may still be rejected from and don't think I want to go to if I get in although maybe, maybe.

Desperate to feel intrinsic to something.

Was just starting to go down the - my-millionaire-boyfriend-will-be-able-to-help-me-out-with-this-crushing-ennui-sponsor-me-teaching-or-something-like-that road only for him to completely freak out about commitment - quelle cliche. So that's on this weird hold while he figures out God knows what. His shrink has been enlisted to the cause. And I feel like whatever -- and also dissapointed quite a bit - and also now what? And also why bother?

So, I don't know what can make me feel better. I almost got a puppy out of all this - from said millionaire - but then I had to tell him , no -- that I'd rahter he figure out his problems than pay me off with a puppy.

But I think I'm having some kind of no one to take care of or help crisis. For seriously.

Also I'm bored of drinking. Now tell me that's not sad.

so boo-hoo. I won't kill myself and I'm sure this will let up soon enough.

love
Alexis

I've been up having had this dream about everything that I am going to write about to KFR -- maybe I'll be able to get the last of my z's after getting it down. It was about death along with everything. That's nice about the subconcious. So much more imaginitive than the conscious which is a pretty dull consciousness comparatively when it comes down to it... e.g. "How am i? Good. I mean -did I tell you about this good thing? I really am good, but also some bad things happen -- did i ell you about this bad thing --- not tat I can't handle it because of course i can. In fact here is my plan about that... oh yes,. yes and I had a different dissapointemnt, did i mention? Also, I have some anxiety but i have a gameplan for how to address the anxiety blah dee blah dee blah blah blah blah blah blah."

Back from a week with Grammy and Steph. That was nice. We ate and ate and ate and ate. Grammys on prednisone andI stopped smoking for the week so it was really pretty impressive.

Sgt. Nicholas

was shot and killed in combat in Afghanistan earlier this month.

It's shocking and sad. We were friends, and he read this silly blog when he was over there. He was a wonderful person. Calm and sweet.

It is a terrible terrible loss. He was so young and he didn't expect to die.

I feel deepest sympathy for his family.

I will never take ambien again

A word and a food that I hate: chipotle. Would chipotle taste better if it were pronounced chipotle as in Otle? - not chipotle as is in ot-lay. No. But if it were chipotle as in otle, then at least it would sound a little cute and then at least the word wouldn't bother me.

-my thoughts drunk and weird at 4:45am thanks to ambien