Qu'est que c'est?

Today I am finding it interesting that mass murderers aren't administrative assistants.

So that sounds in poor taste, but A) that guy killing all those students is so horrendous it provokes a strange reaction in otherwise uninvolved people -- For example, I can honestly say I think the best word to characterize the media was "gleeful." Whoever I saw on the TV the next morning, Brian Williams I think, was basically beaming and pretending like THAT was an appropriately deferential response to such unbelievable violence and tragedy.

B) I really mean it. It is interesting. These killing spree people don't make any sense whatsoever. There'd actually BE some connection - some cause - if these people, say , had to work jobs where different casts of people treated them like their bitch, even their supposed peers in society, whenever they got the chance to enjoy a second's flash of power. Like Taxi Driver... but Taxi Driver is a movie. In real life these people are simmering with a blind rage that is not dimensional and not at all as related to causality as Travis Bickle's. It's just scary and they're determined to kill lots of people. Their frustration isn't related in any way to the frustration of most people who get mad at their place in the world and simmer at reality. They simmer lightly, comparatively, no matter how much they feel they can't control it. Killing spree people get mad at students for not appreciating their education of all the things to be enraged about! That's how twisted they are. That kid's parents had to be dry cleaners. But HE didn't. His parents didn't kill anyone and think how annoying people must be to the dry cleaner. This kid hadn't even experienced being told to "smile" while fixing someone else's three years fucked-up filing. Or driven a taxi thirty days in a row. So twisted. He'd just met a couple rich kids. I mean, hold you horses, people get so much WORSE than that! I'm not even slightly interested in his psychology. If anyone's reading his multimedia garbage it must be because it's so amazingly appalling that NBC rushed it out into the public. At least I am not interested at all in the rage of someone who should have died a long time ago.

My two cents on all that.

love
Alexis

Update: i slept

Yeah. Much better.

weirdo

I can't sleep and I am apparently in the mood to beat up on myself. I think the reason for this is that i have to go to work and I want to do a lot of other stuff that's not go to work -- not to mention they've taken to scheduling me for events at all hours without asking. Scheduling me? What is this a restaurant? Tomorrow should be fine but i can't get a minute there anymore. I'll get to work on writing at the library in the evening w/ M but first I have to get through the day, which is the primary reason it would be great to get some sleep but instead i want to tell you I'm not as great as some of you think.

1) I bitch at work like crazy. Nice people there - tolerant. Like the floater I called "parochial" in one post. She's a nice girl. I'm the one who's fruit loops. She's a nice girl. i'm "too dynamic" -- it was put to me by someone wise while i was losing it over that other lady last monday.

2) I think about myself so much. It's so boring.

3) The play I'm working on is nonsense.

4) The other thing better. But I have so much work to do.

5) And I have to do the play anyway goddammit... just for process sake. oh yeah and finishing sake.

6) Oh god Demanding. Insane. Boring.

7) Always thinkng about my family and crushes late at night when i should be sleeping. Your family -get over it. Your crushes - don't you wish you'd cut this out of the nightime routine a few to twelve years ago.

8) Not that smart. Some of you think otherwise you've told me. It's just not true. If I were smart, I'd have some kind of career duh. I wouldn't enjoy acting dumb so much. I'm not talking about just when I'm drunk either here. "enjoy acting dumb!" What a front!!!!!!

9) not that empathetic. As i'm trying to explain, I'm a bitch. Who can I blame for making me so judgmental?

10) something about not being able to hang in with someone moment through every moment and memory and feeling. Overheard explosion can kind of be ending for play I thought. believe me, it's not extremely good. Mustn't I be crazy? Maybe falling asleep somewhat now?

Type more flaws? Oh that's good. Not smart I am telling you. Squandred privileges. uncharitable character. Up late thiking about self - retarded.

Maybe I'm purged. I am tired. That's a start.

Self-check

A little mean spirited starting Saturday night... or at least the inkling of concern about it; it abated somewhat Sunday with allergic reaction (ate a pine nut cookie at 9 am!!! Treated with vomiting, benedryl, and sleep) rainstorm laundry nice-night-at-home. But Monday oh shit. I am still making conscious efforts to be more mellow, accept. I got perspective early on this morning since I turned on "Today", and you can't avoid this big massacre thing. I'm not seeking out information really, beyond putting the TV on... and I know that 32 people were killed (I think,) and I glanced in the direction of a newspaper on the train that said something about hearing screaming through the walls. I guess it can be hard to know what mean-spirited really is. I'd prefer not to know about this thing - that's not exactly mean? Well-- things like this are different becasue they provoke a response simply by occuring and being told. It's horrible news. But so is everything about Iraq every day. See? I'm gloomy but not down.

The anger of yesterday was annoying though. It was because an executive assisstant bossed me. It really screws up your day. But it shouldn't and it's really weird trying to talk yourself out of being mad. Watching yourself try to talk yourself out of being mad. I was walking out of the subay to class in Brooklyn and I had to tell myself that I'm not allowed to be mad about being only a little bit tired on my way to something I want to look forward too. Maybe if I hadn't gone to town marking up people's stories really critically I would have enjoyed the feeling of walking to the class. But since I spent the day creating email distribution lists from insane instructions and creating a spreadsheet with the information for 6 months worth of maintenance contracts on many varied properties while reading said stories, I hadn't properly gotten up my enthusiasm for what was working very well in them. I can get evil with a pencil when I feel misused. How mean spirited can you get?

I think it has to do with how focused I'm trying to be about projects and how much effort that is for me. I love being focused and it is something I can do, but it takes away energies from my other aspects... to get new age. Yeah, focus edges near to mania, just a little for me. this is why Eff and I were cracking up about that "Manic Depressive Check-list" in the NYT magazine some months ago. Quite a few of the points seemed like pithy concise descirptions of life. ..."Do you sometimes get very excited and speak notcieably quickly?"

Anyway, I got the last seat on a train and was on time to work. When was the last time?


Happy Tuesday. Merry Spring rain.

XOXOXOXOX
Alexis

Playwrights vs. prose people - I'll tell you who wins

Once upon a time I felt like a crazy person wherever I went. What I really mean is whatever kind of writing workshop I took -- I always felt like the most effusive one, the most compulsively honest one, the most uncensored and the worst about attention seeking, but not on purpose really I swear.

Now I know there's not too much reason to feel this way around people who sit around writing plays.

Or even necessarily on the subway. This morning I entered a practically empty car (why? Because I overslept 3 - count 'em - hours. Uhhh... what can I say about it? It happened. I'm here now.) and this nice girl with a slightly grown out brown bob and sunglasses walked into the pole on her way to her seat and then SAID OUT LOUD something like "That was great." I didn't have to think this one over. I totally smiled back. (last night subway reaction required more thought and cringing when man began vomiting on floor/ sleeping/ vomiting on floor/ sleeping) Obviously we have this thing in common... we're starring a little bit in our show and we comment out loud when the stage/life directions get mussed, differ from the being-written-2-secs-in-advance draft. That's cool. Nice to smile at ya attribute sharer.

I don't think many of the other people in the Monday night prose writing class are like this though. And there's all kinds of people in the world. What i'm saying is, sometimes I look back on a night in a creative group and think "Doh!" I mean, I was just myself... I talked a lot, made a lot of eye contact, was extra friendly to the people who read stories, but still made all my needs improvement comments while they were silenced and listening like I'm Madame L'expert. I wan't FLIRTING with the teacher - I just agreed with him a lot. And my prose isn't ever in the head of a peaceful sensual person, so I'm sorry I didn't really connect with that ethereal nice girl whose story I maybe got too much pleasure from remarking my lost-ness with. I just don't want to tread all over quiet people, but I yearn for my creative outlets and I'm so excited when I get there.

I just hope everyone's having a good time. So you know, I'm not actually actively worrying about this --- I know I go through my day sometimes choosing people to judge and think a stray evil thought about now and then -- it's okay if more peaceful, quieter, unobtrusive people think one or five about me. But I just get a warm feeling inside when I see some other brunette stumble and apologize to her imaginary audience - or read a couple other plays people wrote about women-on-the-verge. You are not alone.

love
A

YAY!

Queer Eye is on NBC in the day!

Queer Eye is my favorite show!

Well I'm completely intimidated

by the other playwrights in the group. 2 people read their work at last night's first class (incidentally, the people I ate dinner with that I just posted about are totally unreltaed to the playwriting people.) So two of them brought 20 pages of their plays to have read and...

their dialogue has rhythm -- it's musical... there's resistance and play... and their plays move somewhere.. move forward...

I am at the moment, too scared to open the play I am working on on my ibook. This is good though. Not being the best. (Am I fooling anyone?)

A

So much coffee

When you drink more than two cups of coffee, you have to post to your blog.

My family loves Farley. It's great. We're so weird. My mom decides to do things. We do them (like have a seder eventhough no one knows why or how)realize it's too weird us just doing it together, and then I'm like, Should I call Farley? and EVERYONE is like, "YES! Do it now. Call him. Tell him it's imperitive. Tell him we'll do whatever he wants." Ben has more than once expressed, "There's nothing good about Pennington... besides Farley." Stephanie: "Actually he really should come. Tell him 'please.'"

Then I'm a jerk and pass out before the end of the movie but sorry Farley! Next time I'll stay up late I swear. I.O.U.

The seder last night was very funny. And annoying. On the phone prior to the event, my mom was very excited about the Haggadahs she'd found for it, cleaning out Grammy's house... "The Kahn Haggadahs" The Kahn Haggadah is a Haggadah for people far too impatient for Passover, i.e. my late Grandfather and his "brilliant tax lawyer" (-- my mom) friend Ed Kahn. The whole thing was probably 12 pages long, written by Ed and formatted as follows:

ED: blah blah blah

*blah blah blah
*blah blah blah

--------------
FOOTNOTE: * indicates that Ed designates a reader.

It skipped major important Passover events. It was basically like Ed explains the egg, Ed explains the parsely, Sing dayenu, Ed explains the matza (kind of!,) drink wine, let's eat. Then, optional, let's sing America the Beautiful.

We all thank God Farley was there because love and thankfulness would not have ruled the night otherwise we suspect. Especially becasue we can't torment my mother as harshly as we would do in front of him, and the food was seriously questionable. I think there's more to Matza ball soup than cans of chicken broth and pre fab matza balls but we're non of us really ones to talk becasue none of us DOES know.

Should be a different scene at ye olde somewhat-more-Jewish-acting house tonight.

I'm going to weigh in with the two best parts though

1) When Tom regaled us with the story of a Swedish video? cartoon? in which some monks are teaching other monks (again, ?) to read books instead of scrolls and the monks (second group) are resistant... scrolls were easier! And Tom was all "No it's funny. I mean it's about computers. It's Swedish. It's from a computer magazine." Tom, the best. And the nerdiest.
2) When we submitted to making a "gravity wall" video with Maddie. It didn't work. It still looked like the floor that she was lying on and not a wall at all. But we got to pelt her with stuff and for once, I think, she was obeyed... usually that's me. I mean I was still bossy and everything....

Anyway, Farley saves the night again. How can he leave Pennington... What will we do on Memorial Day? What will we do 4th of July? If you think we're testy when you're around, you know... you know?

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX love you
Alexis