no windows, flourescents, awful k-cup coffee, I am calling out tomorrow

okay -- there's an assignment here. There's a story to tell that no one asked for.

So -- God I'm tempted to just write dude's whole name. Dude's true first name is Josh. I think I've actually mentioned him in passing on this blog before. I'm no longer in the same playwriting group I was in. That group splintered, and one of my favorite people in the world I've ever met, Kelly, asked Josh and another person who'd had a couple babies and hadn't been around real-live class in a long time to make an online class. They formed that class and then invited me to it. It's really really fun - getting feedback on your work in the chatroom while you're just maxin and relaxin in your own house/apartment. It's kind of amazing really because you've gotta assume we're all four pretty passable writers... so we can really crack eachother up over gchat. Not so much dorky as we are witty, at least that's what I think.

Anyway Josh has always been weird. He's good looking - teeth a little narrowly set, but nice body, that kind of skin I've referenced liking before... ha... I better rate him... you'll see why soon. I'd say a 7.8, but maybe just a 7. For reference, Steve Carrell is an 8. I love Steve Carrell's watery eyes and have kind of a fetish about his nose, but I kind of can't separate love from my scale, and I love Steve. So Steve Carrell's no Adonis, but he is an 8 becasue there's love there. (okay okay - I don't know how to say this right so I'll just say it- ah, cringe, okay - I think his nose would do something incredible during oral sex to me. I just feel that. Never mention this to me ever, becuase it's a secret I'm pretending I didn't just put on the internet. :) ) Okay Hugh Jackman is a 10. So I don't love Josh. He's more an objective 7.8. Good looks is my point. Eye contact with him doesn't make me feel understood as a flawed but beautiful human so that's not part of his rating. 7.8 solely on the physique, the facial symmetry, the complexion.

I am a better writer than he is. This is kind of important too. I'm trying to get a certain understanding across to you, so I don't think it's the time for humility. How could he be a really good writer? He's really hung up on false veil of maya shit.. and as you know from my vast and boring introductory post,("Full Mental Inventory,") I may be a little boring, but I'm not wrong about the world. He's got everything wrong.

So back when I referenced him in the past I think I was irritated by him never wanting to get a drink after class, never making friends with me, when it seemed obvious to me that we might as well - he had a girlfriend but wasn't married, I'm the coolest girl ever - we're in this funny mostly way older people playwriting workshop -like, why? Why never have a beer with me? I concluded it was because he was rich and let it go.

Then I stopped going to that workshop while I associate produced Blue Before Morning and worked on my writing without feedback. Then I returned when solicited and told I was missed. I went back one night and Josh was, well, more solicitious than ever before, tells me, "you should come back. Really. you should." I was like "I do plan to." The next week I wrote him to see if he was going since it was pouring rain and I would have still gone since he was so "You should come" the week before, but if he wasn't going, then I wasn't going to put myself out so much. He writes back that maybe the reason he was so awkward the week before was because he'd had a dream about me the night before I showed up at class after all those months. ("Alas," he wrote, "not that kind of dream.") Whatevs... the whole thing seemed like a giant ploy to get me to say... something, a giant ploy for me to be... intrigued. Well, all I can say is it isn't that easy. Of course it isn't that easy

I mean the long and short of this entire long ass story is that he simply doesn't have it THERE to intrigue me with. The only intrigue he has to offer is fucked-upness and vanity. Can't work. (I mean it can work - sad but true - 7.8 + nothing to offer but vanity + actually initiating sex CAN WORK - that is the great tragedy of life. But we're not having sex so 7.8 + a ton of vanity - no that can't work.)

What is happening Alexis? What are you writing? I am writing the story of what's wrong with him more succinctly and directly than he can. I am rendering all his vague feelings-writing irrelevant telling you, instead, and in my blog, his central quandries. If you're bored already that's not my fault. I'm just getting it down so it's out there in the world for him. He could even quit writing. ha ha ha. That is so mean. I love me.

OK. So this Josh, I think I mentioned he has a girlfriend. Met her, but more aptly, saw her, at his play reading 2-ish years ago. The body language there was the he was embarassed by her. That seemed Weird. She was perfectly sweet and cute - she was wearing a dress and seemed like a cheerful person. I'm quite sure she's better than he deserves. i don't blame her for not knowing becasue she's surely blinded by the objective 7.8 making him seem catch-y in a way no one can really be blamed for. Half the point of all this is that some of my peace-of0mind happiness i've been going on about is the sweet sweet relief of seeing through people and not engaging with them just because sex feels so good and can be so nicely distracting from boredom.

Are you enjoying this long story about someone else's problems juxtaposed with how happy I am to really not be entangled in them?

So he's still with this girl who I have to think his body language has always suggested embarassment with. Lately the online splinter group has indeed been going out for beers. Suddenly he's down to have drinks, and not only is he down, he's almost anxious to tell us, me and kelly, me, Kelly ,and Mike, how he, quote unquote, Doesn't really like her. Isn't really into her. This is always said, at least to me, after a shot, or something - so I take it in stride. I don't think he purposely does this so I take it in stride. I'm explaining that the reason I've repeatedly taken it in stride is because I'm always feeling pretty mellow by the time conversation goes here.

What a piece of work. What a vain piece of work. So we're still not to two nights ago which is somewhat unbelievable and I might need to take another "to be continued."

So the first time he tells me he doesn't like his girlfriend, he follows up with "I've always wondered what it would be like to be with someone creative, you know what I mean -- like the competition would be ..." I don't remember verbatim. Too silly. Isn't this guy unbelievable? See I'm as vain as any girl with my cute features who was born in 1980. But I'm not vain enough to really believe that he's talking about me - but I mean -- Josh. Really? It couldn't be -- it couldn't be that you're looking for.... no... could you really? "I'm creative - can I kiss you?" Do you think I am 19 Josh? Do you think I am 19? I am actually not vain enough to believe that he's taking about me. I give him the benefit of the doubt that he is not trying to get me to imagine a creative romantic partnership with him. That is fine, but it makes our next drunken discussion of all this begin to enter realms of surreal offense as he once again talks about not wanting to marry his girlfriend and turns to me with tears in his eyes, just about, and goes "I mean.. six and a half?" I say, "Oh gosh are you really upset?" (a cause de the budding tears)He says, "Kind of" I say, "Oh sorry... sorry but I don't understand. Six and half what?" and he just looks at me until I figure out that he is about to cry because he thinks his girlfriend only rates a six and a half.

Okay, so more details to follow. to be continued. But feast on that all my single ladies and make sure you're enjoying the good times with the men with heart who talk to you on tv and write to you in books to be found at the library.

love
Alexis

JEEZ

I really want to tell you about this really troubled guy but I 'm not kidding - I get so tired out under flourescent lights. I want to sleep for a week! I'm very happy with myself and all i want is sleep. It's the opposite of depression but still with a lot of sleeping! Let me sleep! Let my people sleep!

Full Mental Inventory

So lucky you - I haven't blogged in a long time and tonight I want to Blog a Big One - tell you all the vignettes. I think a lot of them have a common theme about a real peace of mind I'm experiencing, so I don't know how I'm going to unite it / if you want to hear about the peace of mind in general terms first? no I think that would be kind of boring so I think I have to list men - ok, that's coming up. The crux of the peace of mind is that in a real way I am feeling good about being mature, even though if someone wants to go clubbing I barely remember what that is and think it could be fun.

Now that I'm not officiating that wedding (oh did you hear? they broke up!) maybe I could make a summer weekend or two of acting 23 years old if anyone is down and in the summer people generally are. But the thing is that in a for real way which is not feeling very precarious, I am happy with myself. I know it sounds like so much pop psychology rubbish, but it's not; I think I really have spent two years plus working on myself. I mean, the stupid word there is "working," but I'll think about what the more apt word is for the next time I come around here typing. I mean that if you take this blog a year and a half ago... ehhh... more like: I mean that the reason I've been silent on here is that I haven't been feeling angry or let down or grasping. Not really envious either. This isn't to say I haven't had feelings or needed to talk to my friends or any of that. I've just been doing good, I have bigger wants for myself than I'm living up to this exact second, but I am happy with my actual self and have been taking a lot of good feeling from that - for no one but myself. And sure I am but particles in an infinite universe, but I am proud of feeling assured that I do my best and am so smart, enjoy my own self, and have my little problems and so on.... huge introductory paragraph to say I'm good with me. If anything lately I've ben tired and that is because of the weather around here and flourescent lights at this dismal property management office I've been sent to. But, I have not felt exhausted, only tired, and I live for my time with me - I'm glad I'm one of my favorites. Sounds so cheesy - but voila la message. I guess an important caveat is that I'm still so damn fun it's wild baby. (i.e. I am not saying "YAY- weak tea and no action forever!" I think I'll never say that.)

Now I am going to smoke a little. I hope very much that this does not impede my ability to explain the next part! (the man list - woo-hoo - settle in folks - it should be long - unless smoking makes me too unmotivated to draw for you the conclusions I've been wanting to!) Okay it's going to go J, J, G. This is actually like a big writing project telling you about this - it's a lot of shit - and what you're to get out of it is: yup Alexis- you do pretty good not getting too entangled, you do pretty good. :)

Okay just had a cigarette. I don't know about this man list. :) Gore Vidal was on Real Time. Oh man. What's my wish? A week off to read as much Gore Vidal as I can. Oh wow. The wit, the charm, the intelligence. baby my dates have been so lame, how would I not feel like I'm on the right track coming home and seeing you on the TV. You would understand, Gore Vidal... a woman can always please herself. :) :) :)

Gore Vidal said, (once... not on this interview... one of the best things to do to him is quote himself back to himself - his reacting expressions are beautiful. ) I'm paraphrasing, "You can always have sex. It's hard to find a friend." He is adorable. And on homosexual acts he is simply... adorable!

Anyway, so, I had a funny night last night talking to a boy with a lot of problems into the wee hours midtown. Weighing the other side of the scales with getting the fucking message with Gore Vidal tonight was the welcome balance.

This is the only one I"ll write about. So wow - basically ladies, this is a be happy you're single story just for you.

to be continued.

hi

I feel pretty boo monday today. For weeks I think about blogable things on my way to work but don't blog them.

I helped move friends from Astoria to the Bronx this weekend. That was Saturday. Sunday was a total total wash.

Being single is not the enemy. As ever though, seriously, as EVER, it would really be nice to be spending more time cuddling with someone and doing stuff with someone. I have a friend going through a breakup now in LA. It's a little rough because she is very open about being terrified of being alone. I feel like she's quite a few years late to that party and I've dealt with that many times over and she runs a risk of offending me which she has already in the past, and I always just let go by. It feels mean to feel this way. There are a lot of issues there and it had me tossing and turning last night til I picked up the phone and called the one who likes me so in TX. I really can't get into it on the blog. Wouldn't be right.

Tonight I'll clean a little and start a book. Talk to my friend in the depths of despair. This isn't so bad. I guess that moving to Texas plan should advance. The problem is when things pick up a little (which is exactly every two weeks) I'm like hold your horses there Alexis -- it's taken a while to get yourself this little and happy too-expensive place to just be you in and you do have some theater connex in New York - stay put and good things will happen. Then the guy of the week doesn't follow through with a proper ask out, it's rainy all Sunday, and I'm back to "Move your ass to Texas to a 1 bedroom with a pool." Let's consider this the plan for September and refuse to visit my friend who says she needs me to. I can't. I'm moving in September and have to save time and money.

love
Alexis

I am going to

rise like a Phoenix. I will be awesome again.

I'm not even in dust. But more awesomeness will return without any need for total dust. It will return in summer. Spring will continue to be weird and vaguely horrible, but by Summer, yes.

I take back everything I said in sympathy for the rich bosses. They just laid off all my coworking peers just about and my boss - they're divorced from reality. They don't know what she does. She does everything! I'm a fool. I shoulda known. I just called my brother to whine and rave and he was like, yea, don't make a habit of this... but he did say he's there if I need him. And yo, I'm being a baby. I'm fine.

So a salad and some chili are on the way. I guess I'll watch TV. lord lord lord I'd rather drink and have sex. but I am old I am old and couldn't wake up for glorious work if I did that. I would like to beat depression to death with all of my might and pass out at the moment of its death and dream of a world of love.

love
Alexis

I am

actually blogging in bed and can't believe how long it's been since I've done this (not since the old studio ) - bed is good. bed is great.

boys are bad. boys are bad. this post will be not of the graceful witty confessional type but of the shilling for commiseration with Chrissy type. Kelly too?

What is really amazing and unlike how it should be -- but it's a recurring thing and is definitely how it it - is that boys don't call after you have drunk sex. It seems like they will because it was really good and there were all these comments about "next time." Well, it's a damn shame because my response to that (good sex after drinks with a truly nice friend) is sometimes (and who knows where and when? no fast rule): Let me at it (coach)! -- Could we consider having one of these "relationship" things where we have sex and have fun together? but -

okay, but -(and here is the part where I finally figure out what bothers me about the "he's just not that into you" catchphrase phenomenon)

but, if he hasn't called then he "is just not that into me" and out of self respect I move on.

I don't want to get into details of anything. I guess my point is that while I think "he's just not that into you" is a fair enough thing that women should understand -- you definitely don't want to be a girl making up a story for someone who is in fact not that into you, my point is be flexible with yourself, because I, for one, may know a boy is just not that into me, but I'm still gonna call him if we were kind of friends before and make sure I get some more explanation than that. (I mean more explanation than none) He's just not that into me - well sure, I won't start the wedding planning, but as much as I deserve to have that knowledge - that if someone isn't trying then the reason is that they don't care to try, so too do I deserve not to shoulder the considering of it. I'm saying that personally I like to confirm that it was interesting later, that I felt certain ways about it, that we're supposed to be friends and so I would have appreciated a phone call. that's just me. I think it's a little bit bullshit that the solution to how guys'll not call you and you'll feel high and dry is supposedly to figure out "they're not that into you." I think that that's half of it, but you might also need to talk about it - if you have some other existing relationship like friendship or coworkerness or something. That's not cool that its just my job to understand he's not interested. If it's an obvious one night stand that's one thing. or if we're like internet dating or something... in those situations, no phonecalls mean that people just aren't that into eachtoher. Easy. But if there is any pre-existing relationship, then I think "he's just not that into you" is great as a catchphrase that's totally spot-on about where you stand. But it absolves the non-caller, the not-into person just a little too much.

At least me - i felt kind of excited to reconnect with the person inciting this posting. But he didn't follow up about hanging out this weekend so I get he's just not that into me. But it makes me feel better to think about just calling him next week and telling him what I felt and thought was going on. I resent the catchphrase for the same reason I resent so many things that I should just ignore: oversimplifies, acts like I'VE got a problem. And you know, I know when I got problems. this is not my problem. there are other problems.

i like how inarticulate this is. I'm sure chrissy's gonna know what I mean too. She's awesome.

Anyway though - I'm silly- because "he's just not that into you but if you had a preexisting relationship of any kind you can make a phone call to get straight with each other" is a too long catchphrase that would diminish the point of the catchphrase for people who need to hear it because they're annoying their friends. I still like it though, So, as usual, i wish i were queen and made all the rules.

XO

"OhmyGod I felt so sad for that retarded kid today"

That's my overheard in new york of yesterday as i don't know what to call this post yet.

kungfuramone shouted out my blog on his blog as being of the confessional type. Maybe this means peeps of his are gonna read it. I figure I better write something new then, because other wise they're just gong to read my last confession of stockholm syndrome in regards to working around financial people.

Count Fosco (but I like to call him Focso) is really good - I read that one all the time KFR.

oh no-- I have to go do work - just got an email. That's such bad news. I was going to try and confess all sorts of things... Later I guess.

Love
me