Full Mental Inventory

So lucky you - I haven't blogged in a long time and tonight I want to Blog a Big One - tell you all the vignettes. I think a lot of them have a common theme about a real peace of mind I'm experiencing, so I don't know how I'm going to unite it / if you want to hear about the peace of mind in general terms first? no I think that would be kind of boring so I think I have to list men - ok, that's coming up. The crux of the peace of mind is that in a real way I am feeling good about being mature, even though if someone wants to go clubbing I barely remember what that is and think it could be fun.

Now that I'm not officiating that wedding (oh did you hear? they broke up!) maybe I could make a summer weekend or two of acting 23 years old if anyone is down and in the summer people generally are. But the thing is that in a for real way which is not feeling very precarious, I am happy with myself. I know it sounds like so much pop psychology rubbish, but it's not; I think I really have spent two years plus working on myself. I mean, the stupid word there is "working," but I'll think about what the more apt word is for the next time I come around here typing. I mean that if you take this blog a year and a half ago... ehhh... more like: I mean that the reason I've been silent on here is that I haven't been feeling angry or let down or grasping. Not really envious either. This isn't to say I haven't had feelings or needed to talk to my friends or any of that. I've just been doing good, I have bigger wants for myself than I'm living up to this exact second, but I am happy with my actual self and have been taking a lot of good feeling from that - for no one but myself. And sure I am but particles in an infinite universe, but I am proud of feeling assured that I do my best and am so smart, enjoy my own self, and have my little problems and so on.... huge introductory paragraph to say I'm good with me. If anything lately I've ben tired and that is because of the weather around here and flourescent lights at this dismal property management office I've been sent to. But, I have not felt exhausted, only tired, and I live for my time with me - I'm glad I'm one of my favorites. Sounds so cheesy - but voila la message. I guess an important caveat is that I'm still so damn fun it's wild baby. (i.e. I am not saying "YAY- weak tea and no action forever!" I think I'll never say that.)

Now I am going to smoke a little. I hope very much that this does not impede my ability to explain the next part! (the man list - woo-hoo - settle in folks - it should be long - unless smoking makes me too unmotivated to draw for you the conclusions I've been wanting to!) Okay it's going to go J, J, G. This is actually like a big writing project telling you about this - it's a lot of shit - and what you're to get out of it is: yup Alexis- you do pretty good not getting too entangled, you do pretty good. :)

Okay just had a cigarette. I don't know about this man list. :) Gore Vidal was on Real Time. Oh man. What's my wish? A week off to read as much Gore Vidal as I can. Oh wow. The wit, the charm, the intelligence. baby my dates have been so lame, how would I not feel like I'm on the right track coming home and seeing you on the TV. You would understand, Gore Vidal... a woman can always please herself. :) :) :)

Gore Vidal said, (once... not on this interview... one of the best things to do to him is quote himself back to himself - his reacting expressions are beautiful. ) I'm paraphrasing, "You can always have sex. It's hard to find a friend." He is adorable. And on homosexual acts he is simply... adorable!

Anyway, so, I had a funny night last night talking to a boy with a lot of problems into the wee hours midtown. Weighing the other side of the scales with getting the fucking message with Gore Vidal tonight was the welcome balance.

This is the only one I"ll write about. So wow - basically ladies, this is a be happy you're single story just for you.

to be continued.