Well la la la at least I can probably just blog all day as a result of this "I'm coming in 3 hours late on Tuesday" declaration. Truth be told, as ironic and pathetic as I made it seem, I did know, sex or no sex, that it was a recipe for not having to do anything today at the office and how can that be bad?

The late morning subway ride into Manhattan was very restorative. Which brings me to : I wanna get back to: a little something I want to say to KFR.

Have you heard of Lars Van Trier?

Did you like Dogville?

yes it was VERY good but wasn't that annoying to have made a movie about America without ever having been here where the idea was it's a place where everyone is nice to you and then eventually you are completely enslaved by them.

Anyhow KFR yes yes yes you only want to live in non-central places but you don't know about 11:45am Tuesday subway rides here where it's not rush hour and it's humid yet Fall. They are so good, and the fact that you're swimming a bit in thoughts about how you're giving up on this guy, yes, you're giving up - it's already too fraught and you on the asking end, and you won't call wait you might just say blah blah blah--- on the subway at 11:45am I can't explain it- this feels fine and good - everyone's lost in thoughts - you're smiling at these burkhad Muslim girls and their burkhad Mom - and they're all smiling back and kind of even acting a little for you (girl one, making fun of probably her sister who seems to be more of a futzing-with-her-stuff-kind-of-person than girl one: "you see what I'm talking about??? You're seeing this?" ) in this real New York-y dare I say jew-y way (it's all the same- I love it) You're being watched thinking by some guy who appears to definitely be thinking about what you're thinking. You're wondering if you can arrange these thoughts into some kind of stand up act becasue if occasional fucking in New York can be this round-spinning and frustrating then bombing with a stand-up act would just be what? fun perhaps in contrast.

Yes, anyhow, it's good stuff and I never want to hear anyone knock New York but me and then I'll apologize later and you know it.

Another thought it feels good to have when I feel all spun around and maybe a little lonely (starting Sunday I've been feeling a little lonely- who fucking knows. I really wanted to sleep with this guy again.) is Jesus Christ thank fucking Christ I'm not in high school anymore. God was that awful. I mean I know I've had some tough times the past couple years and for reference there's this blog here, but Oh My God oh thank you God for my own apartment and three hours off work to just feel shitty and talk to myself and walk through different rooms saying crazy shit out loud to myself, freaking out, but never ever being 15 again. I know all the blah blah blah shit about my potential and all but there's a part of my heart, very tiny, that actually - I can't believe I'm saying this - there is a secretarial part of my heart. it is very very small. But it's the part that thanks God I have to go into the city, that wants to see my coworkers for some reason, that doesn't want a lot more than to answer the phone for a few hours and just be friendly and kill the day like that.

The shoes around here and the clothes at J Crew and the jewelry look fucking fantastic and yes I said at J Crew.

Do you understand my theme here? This is a mid Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur blogging. It's about longing unfulfilled, gratefulness for the city, for the season, for independence, for busy work, for black ankle boots, for long amber necklaces, long cardigans, paisleid blouses, the privacy to talk to yourself, the spendidness of a brain to drive youself insane with. My body looks good and my hair looks nice and you can surely imagine what it's like for me wanting to strip tease a little J Crew strip tease (not that J Crew clothes have ever ever fit me properly - just let me go here) for a very reticent magician when for some reason this seems not to have occured to him.

But I'm just happy to have feelings whenever I have them and not have to live in New jersey with my parents do you see?