At the Accounting Office

Chilling chilling.

I think my mosquito problem is related to Climate Change. What is the fucking deal? -it's mid November. Other people in my building must be having the problem too. (maybe it's partially my own fault - leaving trace amounts of standing water in my sink - I am unfit.) I see that the mosquitos linger in our building wide front door vestibule. They're like vampires that need to be asked in. Kind of. Actually they're the opposite and will fly in as soon as you open the door with your groceries even if you scream at them.

You should really see how I deal with this. Following waking and itching, I move to whichever room I'm not in, slamming the door quickly behind me - if it's into the bedroom that I've moved, I form a seal made of recently discarded clothing over the gap at the door bottom. Last night I had a few beers and forgot to do this when I went to bed. So after I awoke with bites, I moved into the living room - did not form a seal - do not know if I have 2 skeeters or only one. I think it's just the one and eventually he came into the living room from the bedroom under the unsealed door. Anyway what I do is wrap myself completely in a blanket so I cannot be bitten. I also wrap my ears so the buzzes won't necessarily wake me. This is the funny part that you should see. I got one bite on my browline like this last night, but I put hydrocortisone on it immediately (I sleep with it at my mummified side).

Frustrations with men in my life : legion. Still haven't met a great one for me. Oh no! - and the winter on the way! Trying to think how best to long story short here...

That night I lost my contact lens I started to feel angry at Adam. Adam and I have been friends a long time. I'm not a doctor, but I'd say he has chronic depression. -not that some really tough things haven't been happening for the past few years to him. Including the death of his father which of course is beyond hard. I knew him prior to that though and his reaction and the extent of his grief and inward turning is inkeeping - Adam would feel guilty if he felt good even now - that's how his grief works. An Eeyore Adam. But he's a great guy. He brings me music and gives me massages. On his schedule obviously. Recently he's gotten kinda sentimental when he comes by to hang out - talking about teaching me to play guitar and spending the first day of Thanksgiving break with me and asking, weirdly, if he can write to me during work days (me: About what? Adam: About anything.) stuff like this. I didn't want to get excited. I didn't get excited. - this is like four years of not getting excited about Adam I'm into here. But I thought these were nice developments in our friendship plus sometimes sex or whatever it is. He's the same person I once had to call and talk my head off at because we boned and he didn't call. And you know way way way back then I told him: Listen, I'm not trying to get you to feel anyhing you don't feel or be my boyfriend even - you're a piece of work, I get it - but it would really be nice particularly on Sundays to maybe hang out in your new house around the corner and read the paper. I really wish you'd ask me to do that. That has never happened.

So anyway, that night I lost my contact lens, I called him and was like "you know - are we even doing these guitar lessons? Are we really seeing 'Hair' the Wednesday before Thanksgiving? - OF COURSE you haven't done anything about it. OF COURSE you're going home this weekend. I have no faith in any of this honestly." He textd through the night checking I was fine. I guess I'm glad of that, but Adam just does a ton of falling short. It's kind of his whole bag. It's a shame. He's a wonderful guy, person. It's very cyclical where his belief that he is like this is part of what makes him like this. I guess I have a problem of my own feeling disappointed about someone who I endeavored to be aware even on a subconscious level would and will disappoint. Fucking subconscious though! When you're on your period and lose your contact, it's all "Feel my wrath - you tell me NOTHING."

Then, here is last night: This part is kind of interesting and I hope it doesn't make Kelly feel conflicted b/c it's vis a vis her friend who she was really awesome to set me up with. He's fun/ he's one of her favorite people. He's not right for me really. I'm pretty sure she won't mind that or feel anything different about me about that. But anyway, so, I like him but I'm not falling in love. BUT, um, anatomically, uh.... well really exciting. So I pretty much objectify him badly in my mind. Bad person, me.

ANYHOW. So he and I haven't talked much for a week or so. Everytime we gchat he has to go or miraculously I have had work to do at work (well not so miraculous - the holidays are upon us and, you know the drill, OMG THE MFing TREE!@!!) So anyhow - right long story short- he, like Adam, who is who I actually am angry at, eventhough I'm supposed to never expect anything ever from Adam, wasn't being particularly amenable to discussing when we were actually getting together next. I asked him what was up on Monday (basically - I wanted to go over and give him lots of oral sex. You heard it here first - I adore his penis. [SO BAD - can you imagine what I would think of someone writing that they weren't so infatuated with me, but did adore my vagina on the internet? Actually, the life I've had, I think I could handle it. So there.]) So anyhow - I'm not totally sure how understood this is, but I'm getting the feeling it's kind of understood. So anyway yesterday I'm telling him, "Look Thursday's out but did you say Wednesday? And do you want to do this other thing first on Wednesday and blah" and he's gotta call me later he says. So he calls last night on his way to meet this guy for dinner and honestly screams in my ear for ten or twelve minutes about his frustrations at his work. I had to hold the phone away. I made little comments not knowing what else to do. "Well you sound angry" etc. Anyway he went on and on and when he was winding down I tried to sort of sneak in "You're kind of yelling in my ear" which is not actually a sneakable statement. No questions about me or my day though. I said "Well I guess I'll let you get to your dinner and your friend." At this point he said he didn't mean to just dump on me. I think I just said "yeah" because that is exactly what he did - what was I to say? I chose "yeah." Then he said, "so do you want to try to arrange to hang out tomorrow" all heavy inuendo voice on the "hang out" which would have been fine with me -- that was exactly what I wanted to have go on with him - if he hadn't called me on his way to meet someone and just vented his whole life like it was fascinating at 130 decibels with no intention of ever asking me how I was. Boo to that. Sorry that's just so rude. If you're calling someone on your way elsewhere and the first thing you're going to make clear is that you're on your way somewhere to meet someone and don't have time to ask about the other person, you've really got to contain your twelve minute shouting monologue. That's called courtesy. I said I didn't think so about the hanging out today. I said I had to clean my house. I am no longer capable of pretending I am not pissed when I am - if I ever was - which I probably never was.

XOXOXOX I LOVE YOU
Alexis

Is my emotional life boring yet?

Anyway I wonder what it's like to be a man. They must feel similar emotions sometimes but they don't feel them all miserable on their period once every few months. Yesterday I felt all bad in the first place, my house is a mess, I'm out of toilet paper, and then I lost my BRAND NEW amazing left contact lens down the drain and had to just go "I am going to be hysterical about this for five minutes and then I'll internalize that I'll just order another one tomorrow and calm down, but I get to go down a whole path of misery for five minutes... but - don't break the plates!" :)

Anyway, I took a sick day. I still haven't addressed the trash but I'm about to take a shower. What an amazing Sopranos the one where Tony and Tony have to take Chris to the hospital to get the doctor to tell Chris that Adriana was sitting up during the car accident is.

love

Something delightful

Names to call a girl named Madeline, Maddie

* Mart the Fart
* or just Mart
* so now and then Martina Hingis
* also Mardy
* or Moldy

hahaha. Brothers and sisters are the best.

eh

I hate the ones where I protest over and over "This is not pathetic!" Maybe it's a style problem. Maybe I should only mention fantasies and dreams in the context of plays about plane crashes.


XO


More later

Where the Wild Things Are is Excellent. David Brooks wrote the best review I've read so far. It's pschoanalytic in its approach to character he says. Then he put in his own little zeitgesit statement about a change happening in our collective approach to character. Neat. Anyway, wonderful movie.

WTWTA is probably somewhat responsible for a degree of vividness and fullness of feeling to my dreams last night/ this morning. I traveled a distance in a lush part of Africa and climbed a ladder and met my team. I watched a lot of TV yesterday and that's why there was a "team" I think.

Oh right before I went to bed I watched Celebrity Sex Rehab which aside from the fact that Dr. Drew wears a stethoscope is really pretty good.

Jesus what am I talking about. I was gonna do such a good blog today but I ran it in my head and now I don't wanna write it.

So I woke up and decided to sleep another 20 minutes and decided to put my chosen work crush in a dream since I was in a good dream moment.

Scene from last week (reality):
Analysts crowded around another analyst's desk in front of mine. Analysts discussing sunglasses with sides. These are called wayfarers. Cute boy didn't know this and I can never remember what wayfarers are either since to me they sound like either sneakers or shorts. I don't talk at work though - not to the analysts, not unless we are getting coffee at the same time. I am listening to this conversation but acting like I'm not. So then Cute says "like the sunglasses they give you at the dentist" For some reason everyone looks at me for a reaction. I say "Do you mean the eye doctor?" (even though I know he means just what he said) Much more lauughter than that deserved.

And so - I loved the dream I got to have about him when I told my contented self to dream this morning. (upcoming = dream) We went to a burger place. Oh the burgers smelled so delicious. Without a doubt they were in n out burgers but we were in NYC. Dreams! We were laughing and laughing and buying our burgers. No one was watching and I very nearly stole myself a second burger at the checkout becasue therewere all these hot delicious ones just wanting to be grabbed. But I didn't - just stole extra fries. Then we were in a car - he was driving I think - or I was - either way we were eating the burgers and the fries and they were delicious - maybe we were bringing someone else some burgers too. Then he told me he really liked me and kissed my neck. It was AWESOME.

I have dreams like this and they're really nice. Maybe if I wait long enough something this exciting will actually happen (but I doubt it. Also I don't mean iwth him. I just mean with anyone) Please don't get the wrong idea that I'm upset about boys or love or stuff right now. I'm not. I feel pateint and fine about it. I have support, boys who I like and who think I'm bee-ooo-te-ful - I'm good. I'm not inspired but it's fine. And my last blog post wasn't about becoming lesbian or actually hating men: it was a women are superior thing which I always think. Just to clarify. What I'm going at is that feeling I remember from adolescence and dreams where I actually feel flooded with that special joyful anxiety. Some days I think I could never feel this ever again - which I can be happy to have ever felt it at all. Most days I figure I may feel it again before I'm 46. At any rate, I understand it to be an unknown and it does not wrench my heart regualrly or anything like that.

But sometimes good enough movies can make me dream it. Plus daylight savings time, plus the heater on yet not overheating the room.

God I love it. Too bad there are no occasions where me and that office cute boy are sent to go get burgers for everyone in an old blue Corrolla. Becasue I am sure you readers all know DUH If we were it would go down just like the dream. I would sit in the passenger seat all silently repeating "tell me you like me and kiss my neck tell me you like me and kiss my neck" and then it would happen just like the dream.

Again, this is in no way a patheticness posting. Need you to know that. How I feel about this is happy. Happily, I am not very deluded lately.

You may ask this though: "Alexis, you're funny: can I ask you this? You know Alexis, you seem so excited, moved, and spiritually most nourished by the arts - most of all drama, the depth of human character, and music, so what attracts you- what arouses your secret sad-happy dark and soft and heart heat love-warmth about these bland corporate boys?"

(MyfriendH told me something great about looking for our Dads once recently and I really liked that answer and it gave me some solace in wondering why I liked someone I shouldn't have. She's good. this is an aside)

I was thinking this very question to myself as I went for lunch today though. Look out becasue I don't have a concise answer.

Part of it though I think is a practicality that I insert into my fantasy life, or a realism, however you want to say it. Even in my fantasy likfe i am fantasizing about someone whose job would actually support us so that we could really have a wintry house which is like a haven in the snow - a key fantasy of mine all my life.

I don't want him to be around all the time. I want him to be handsome, love to love me, go to work, earn money, respect me to fucking death.

What is love to me? Nothing intense and twilight-like - not even in my fantasies. When I fatasize about my be-suited husband I just fantasize him saying my name to other people when I'm not around and saying something about me. To me that is love. "Alexis doesn't like those sorts of movies." These are the words I put in my crushes' mouths in my fantasies. Isn't that funny.

The way I see it - there's an alternate route to my wintry joy which is law school. Then I'd be able to earn enough to buy my own house. I will consider this at 31 but no sooner. I like being single in New York now, but I do want to live in New England in my own house and i would like a child.. sometime, later not now. I don't see any harm in fantasizing about just being taken there and encouraged to write, mother, get analysis, learn to play instruments and the odd language - and don't forget, be mentiononed to others... "Alexis is learning Italian. We're taking the baby there in Spring." "Alexis wrote the saddest song about her postpartum depression. Anyway she doesn't like those kinds of movies."

I hope you understand I don't feel pathetic about any of this! It is just confessional and hopefully you kinda know what I mean!

xoxoxoxox
love
A

My Opinions on Everything Continued

Obviously had to continue right? I have opinions on things besides Rosie O'Donnell and one other thing. I mean c'mon...

Related to Rosie O'Donnell though. All opinions have to be related to Rosie O'Donnell. Never love a man. Only love a woman. I'm upset about Gore Vidal. I loved him a lot and then this is what he said of the girl in the Roman Polanski case: "Look, am I going to sit and weep every time a young hooker feels as though she's been taken advantage of?"

The safest thing is just to only love smart women and be radical like that.

love
Alexis

My opinions on everything

Rosie O'Donnell

I love Rosie O'Donnell. She was voted most annoying celebrity a couple years ago, during that The View stint I suspect. What she said to that was something like "Well most celebrities are annoying I think. If I'm the most annoying, so be it." I think a lot of skinny straight actresses aren't brave enough or accepting enough with themselves... well some of them are.. lemme think how to say this... I'm all wrong here.. hold up. Okay, clearly Miley Cyrus, clearly most any celebrity, right? is accepting enough with themself to talk about themself on the internet - that's moot beyond moot- every idiot is saying what they think all the time. So okay, I'm wrong: I like what she thinks I suppose. She writes these terribly constructed all lowercase poems on her website, gives so much money to children's charities it's actually astounding, she gets really badly depressed by the horrible events that go on, and she hangs upside down in an upside-down hanger device for relief. She can be really caustic but it's part of her and you get more of the actual her than your average person on TV. I don't know: I think she has really good priorities.

Dick Cheney

I see no reason not to believe Dick Cheney had prior knowledge about the September 11th attacks. I got really obsessed with this right before I went to Italy and thought about it for the whole plane ride there because I'm certifiable. (It was alright. I just mean I'm certifiable because I like to get my upset on in airplanes... I also watched He's Just Not that Into You and all...) The segue here is Rosie O'Donnell who gets a ton of flack for mentioning "truther" websites et al. I'm really annoyed at Bill Maher who is going out of his way to make a "vaccinations are bad" argument at the moment but in the past has yelled at and kicked out members of his audience who want him to talk about World Trade Center Seven and says they're idiots. Actually that is very very strange that World Trade Center 7 fell on Spetmenber 11th in what was obviously a controlled demolition. The two towers - I don't know - of course I don't. Being hit by planes seemed like a good enough reason for them to collapse - even though the way they collapsed... let's not even get into that because you don't have to and we have no way of knowing and sound crazy if we try to. BUT The Truthers actually rightly identified WTC 7 as the thing to yell out about. That Bill Maher mocked this really bothers me. Evidently WTC 7 housed the security company, owned by Jeb Bush, for the whole WTC complex. Also a CIA headquarters. Larry Silverstein said on camera that they "pulled" it. Later he said he meant to say they "pulled the firefighters out of it" - but there weren't any firefighters there. It wasn't hit by anything that day and obviously didn't just fall like that. And even if Dick Cheney did not have prior knowledge about the Sept. 11th attacks, his reaction - (there are fighter pilots up every day with instructions to intervene in a course of events exactly like Septemeber 11th - he actually said no, not to take the planes out. This is recorded by a person with him that day - who was shocked. I believe it's a Panetta who is not Leon Panetta? Maybe Minetta?) At any rate he was asked : should they take down the planes? and he said no. This implies to me that in the moments that he found out, at best, he thought "whatever this is should proceed - I can use it to have more control and advance my agenda." When Bill Maher and angry essays at websites which I usually like criticize Truthers, they get all mad about how Bush was too stupid to pull it off so what an idiot a Truther is for imagining Bush could be behind such a thing. Yes that's right - Bush didn't do shit (He's actually told by handlers to just keep reading ). He read a book. It makes me and a lot of people want to pull out our own eyes. They say the truthers are such idiots- the administration was too incompetant to be responsible. Well, they were pretty competant at scaring everyone into two wars. They always wanted to go to war with Iraq. Cheney is an oil man and knows all those sheiks.... Why is it so implausible that he heard about this and thought 'great" and isn't that foreknowledge? And maybe he even helped them out a little. Why is this so hard to believe? I really resent being called an idiot about this. I don't think he was up in the twin towers planting blombs on staggered floors. I just think he knew and even planned for it a bit and I'd believe more than a bit. Look at him now! Did you see him on TV saying that his administration reviewed all aspects of the war in Afghanistan in 2008. 2008. He tried to sneak it by - the date- while calling Obama a ditherer for actually considering war in its real and complicated terms of human life. I think Dick Cheney smiled while all those American civilians died. Why is that hard to believe? George Bush smiled and took pictures. Dick Cheney said don't take down those planes and hid. There's a lot of information about this out there and fuck you Bill Maher. Agreed about people responding differently to different chemicals and an individual approach to medicine but I know what a vaccine is and why would you silence people about something I think everyone should internalize- Dick Cheney is a mass murderer- while saying stupid stuff you don't understand about medicine. No one makes you get vaccinated. Going to work and jumping out a window in flames is another thing.

Fear of Intimacy

I'll opine about this later.

Yow - I've always avoided talking about the Cheney stuff. That's why I admire outspoken Rosie. That's the synthesis there. Well now you know what I think!

XOXO
Alexis