Yeah

God, that's the thing about remembering the worst hurts, going for it in a spirit of "getting somewhere with it" - when it really hits you, how long ago it all is makes you cry more, makes you laugh, makes you cry more. At least with me.  On the one hand you think - this is not immediate, so you're fine, phew.  Then just the fact that you're not fine, actually, clearly not, makes you feel Crazy.  What if someone asks you what's wrong?  And you have to say - it's nothing, it's fifteen years ago.  It feels like sanity would be to actually be healed.  To remember a moment you were abandoned and not fall apart.  That's why I'm going to serious therapy now. I have my first consultation tomorrow.  I suppose you're not healed ever of certain things, but there might just be an actual getting through it.  It would just feel better NOT TO HAVE TO.  I am putting a lot of faith in this therapeutic enterprise.  I hope it's wonderful and I discover some reserves of strength rather than just puddling out.  What will it be? how much puddling do you do before you're somewhere new.  I guess you appeal for support and just the presence of the therapist listening until you are at the least tired enough of torturing the wound to move on by default and that's kind of the point.  They aren't going anywhere.  Unless they die.  That's the thing.  It's unrealistic to ever expect certain pain to go away.  And it's horrible admitting that you're a person who is just always going to have to massage it and try to find some help dealing with it.

This is why I love/hate celebrity sex rehab with Dr. Drew.  I grotesquely feel sorry for those poor people who had such sexual trauma so young and are walking around in a haze of pain.  Because when they admit it, they basically have to admit it forever.  They were damaged and they always will be damaged.  Who wants to be damaged?  There's sort of not enough reward for it to be "fair".

But Life isn't fair.  They're not insane.  I'm not insane.  I'm just a stupid crazy person who can't tell my brain to stop looking for it to be fair.

I'm going to fall in love with  my female therapist about 6 minutes into treatment, I'm predicting.