haha did you see my morning wake up poem?

haha So I am crazy.

yup my memories are like rats sent to stars.

ugh.  Well I sent a message to my college boyfriend, having been recollecting what a traumatized mess I was by the time he got to have me.  It wasn't the easiest because it's not like he wasn't sort of, well, difficult - far from a perfect love. And given just how many times I ended it, and it was always me, it makes all the sense in the world that we are not in touch at all.  After the first time I broke up with him he said he hoped I died in a car accident, and we still got back together!  College!

Not everyone's life is like this I bet.

But I'm finding a bit of a theme.

Or I at least have a few phrases.

One phrase: Living in the past.  Interesting phrase isn't it?

One theme:  Even if I hurt my ex loves only unintentionally, in reaction they've been willing to treat me with the most cruelty they could summon. I've never ended a serious realtionship, one  where we were saying "I love you" without the ending or the aftermath involving at best stark insensitivity (Jack - this was the least brutal, and me the least myself in a way - at 23?  I don't know - the early 20's elude my analysis.  I was more free/ less something, less psychicly heavy then than any other time) and at worst cruelty. My conclusion is kind of that men are weak.

One important true thing, the truest?: Love and anger and pain= the same object, the same thing.  Angry? It's another side of Love.  Hurting? Another side of Love. In Love? Be SOO Careful. And even if you are, the risk is just so huge.  I'm not saying not to go for it, young lovers whoever you are, I know your troubles are few, I know your troubles have the potential to be engulfing, and you should still try, but the odds are really stacked.

Back to living in the past.  I wrote a msg to my college boyfriend- just to say I'm thinking of him, understand from his end why we didn't keep in touch, don't expect to be in touch now and am not after that in sending him the msg, am sorry to the degree that I can be that the person I was may have, did in fact, cause him pain, and am glad we had each other when we did.  He said this in response:

Hi.

You know, I'm quite sincerely at a total loss for if, or how, to respond to this. But here I am, typing, I suppose.

I accept your words as they were intended and do genuinely appreciate the sentiment. Regardless of whatever else I've thought about you then or now, I don't believe that you ever acted with specifically hurtful intent.

And on my part, I certainly extend the blanket apology that I would to anyone I've crossed paths with for any general encounters with me between the ages 18-22 (I'll be charitable to myself here and leave the range at that).

My memory (in totality) is an absolute horror, and I've spent so long emotionally partitioning off what I did retain of that time that I don't have a lot of positive things left to reflect on. Neither do I doubt that they were there- it's just far from a deep well of pleasant or positive reminiscence for me. But for better or for worse, it has always been there. Take that for whatever you will.

As I said, I have little idea what else to share, but I do hope that doing this is in whatever way helpful for you, and also that it is unrelated to a 12-step program.

Best


So,  that's what's making me think of the phrase "living in the past".  Funny how it almost seems healthier to have the partitions up, and just be able to wholesale write off 4 years - "blanket apology" to those who knew you then, few memories of the entire time, than to remember it.

It's nice he got back to me.  I'm glad he's just trucking and there're no bad feelings and no one wants anyone's car crashing anymore.  Don't know why it matters -> maybe I live in the past.

XOXO time to make the donuts, send out a resume to Gawker to be their office assistant (how many of those are they gonna get? 60,000? Reformat this script.  I have a pretty amazing life. :-)  Later I get my second consultation and maybe we can talk about what it means to live in the past....)

XO
A