Pop Culture reporter cont.

Johnnie Walker Black print ad on subway:

"We only shake hands. We call each other once a month max. I still think you're adopted. And although I'd rather streak across a crowded stadium than tell you this - you're a great little brother."

The idea is that you can give a bottle of Johnnie Walker Black and say this to the giftee in so doing.

A) I would really really appreciate if you would say maximum instead of max, asshole.

B) Let's imagine that this is the dialogue of a character. This character is on "In Treatment" - because he has issues. (Or she. She would be interesting. But let's just keep this literal. The character is a subway print ad. the ad itself is gendered by our preconceptions, but in fact has no gender, is an ad.) "Why," asks Paul "would you prefer to streak than to tell your brother that you think he's been an excellent brother to you?"

"Dude" says the subway print ad.

"Wait- let me just make sure I'm clear about what you're saying," says Paul, "Would you like to streak across the field in front of a stadium of people?"

"NO man!"

"Alright - that's what I presumed. But that would be quite a sensation wouldn't it? I mean how would that feel?"

Subway print ad smirks. Finally,: "It would be embarrassing."

Paul: Ah. What I'm hearing... correct me if I'm wrong but I'm hearing that you'd find it terribly embarrassing to streak across the field but even more embarrassing- am I right?- to tell your brother he's been a great brother. Now... bear with me if you would, you say you and your brother talk at the most once a month, and that you only shake hands. Would you rather express affection with something more like a hug... would you prefer to speak with him more often... do you imagine that you could speak with him about... well, you tell me, what would you like to talk about with him if you could?

Subway print ad: I've gotta go Paul - sorry man. Early tee time. But I've gotta say - sorry man- but people are supposed to want to be like me. I'm an ADVERTISEMENT.

Paul: So what's the point for me then? What am I doing here - we're now aspiring to be unable to express ourselves, embarrassed by affection for even our literal brothers, looking for gifts that say I'd rather go to jail than talk to you but I do sort of like you enough to give you a gift? Boast our distance from our feelings. That's a way people think it's cool to be- is that what you're saying, Advertisment?

Advertisement: Isn't that, like, the definition of cool? Like cooled off- like not warm - warm is goopy, disgusting.

Paul: But look at the world, look at the headlines. Isn't distance from one another the last thing anyone needs? Not to mention it is literally very cold out there...

Advertisemnt: Thus, dude, JOHNNIE WALKER BLACK. Be cool, stay warm.

Paul: My goodness Advertisement -I like that: Be cool, stay warm. Clever and so inoffensive.

Advertisement: You just don't get it.

Paul: Right. Right. Assholes. Life is about becoming a cool asshole. That and money, max.

Advertisement: (sigh) It isn't you Paul.

Paul: I know. i'm going to kill myself tonight.

Advertisement: DUDE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY THERAPIST.

Paul: Hold on a sec.

(Paul unzips his pants and wags his penis in Advertisement's face)

Paul: I like exposing myself. I feel so alone.

Fin.