It's 5:00 am.

A cab ride to Queens at 4:30 is... at 4:30am New York is so... manageable. I mean not quite. That's not quite true. It's only how I feel. Every building still has lives beyond accounting in it. Nothing has changed. Only the time of day. Of night. But from lower west to chelsea to drop off Jen over and up 6th and then over to third moves so fast and quiet and there it all is There's old midtown, a cold, arted place, empty squares, loose snow, and we're over on third now and here is the start of the bridge. Cocaine, you have me lucid. Hello New york. I've done nothing wrong.

Everything is good right now, for what it's worth, which I suppose is very little, but drugs are okay once a year, once every seven months. i like to be lucidly able to feel that all is alright right now though. I don't feel it's bad.

I do feel a revolution of some kind must be near. I do wonder why it can't be like the sixties, not that I was there, but i am fascinated. But I don't find mushrooms. I find theater. I find this endless trying... that is theater in New York. And I like it - i don't care. Does that make sense? i don't care that it asks me so little. No free love. No anything. Just we know. That we are trying. to be a thing that can't be nostaligic or fails.

Oh wow - nonsense I write. Yoda I am. :-)

I look real pretty in the mirror. I am my own everything you know. I don't have good steady sex. I have hot baths and lying on my back. I have home at 5 am, look in the mirror, I'm pretty. I really have everything to give. I really am all of it myself. I feel unafraid now. I feel I'll put it in plays. I feel I'll put it in effort. I feel I will try to moisturize and this package i am will survive. Something terrible could happen. Any time. But I'll just keep having fun. Seeking out what New York is being me, living not in manhattan and not in Brooklyn, partying the theater party. Loving who reaches out and asks, lighting design nerd or beautiful Nick B who I will never because he has a lovely girlfriend.

And with a little of the non-sixties drug, that's alright. it's not falling into a heap of love. That's not the spirit of the times. It's staying out as late as we can. It's putting the sloppy drunks in a cab. It's being happy to get out of corporate. Writing. Applying. Lazy and beautiful and able to write. Big eyes and able. Tonight it's all alright. We deserve to know we're alright 21st century disaster children.

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