Using the blog as it was intended

I'm a bit out of sorts. It feels a bit off limits to be worried and sad right now, to write about it, given the extent to which I was convinced and it seems made efforts to convince who might listen that the only thing between me and Happiness was my stupid job, now having been let go.

But lemme tell you I had a hell of a nice night and day after with than handsome smart guy at the bar. And he literally disappeared. He texted over a week ago that he was going out of cell reception for the weekend but still had me on his mind. Since then it seems his phone has been continually actually off. I'm sorry folks but it's a little trying on my spirit. I mean, is he okay? This is why I guess it's good to have a blog. I can do what I want. I can ponder the options*: * He said he was bipolar a bit. Is this his downswing? Completely Off. This is the most likely I guess.

So I should be Glad we had what we had for a night.

The problem with that is, you know, just take deep breaths. I'm lonely and - what's nice right now, typing - is I don't feel *that* bad. I'm trying to tell you how I feel sad, but there is a persistence of happiness in here, in my head I mean. Like I kind of am glad we had what we had for a night. He made me feel beautiful. The sad creeps in when it comes to me being picky. He made me feel beautiful but it's so rare that I let my guard down. It's like I require such a cool charmer. I worry, my friends. I worry there aren't enough of them and the ones who do it well are wont to vaporize.

Thank goodness it's been perfect fall days. But the more lovely the days the more I wonder what happened to him- my international man. We met because he was getting a drink after picking up the last of his stuff from his apartment across the street from the bar. He's just moved, you see, to an apartment which he's renting for $530 a month on the upper east side. He said he'd been to 40 countries. He is having a bit of a crisis because he's 33 and his identity I take it, was something like rockstar world traveller - now he's thinking it might be time to save some money.

So these gorgeous fall days, I've tried to snatch up a few dates from the internet. But... you feel me? Instant chemistry is such a rush. You can't get it again for a little while. Not when it winds up feeling like loss not too long after.

And I know it's dodging a bullet. I know I know. I am attracted to this. It's a pattern and I apologize to the great god of psychology, esp behavioral psychology about that. There's a kind of charisma a guy with an imbalanced repulsion from commitment can do. I'm weak for it. They can go hard with listening and pleasing, smiling and kissing, touching ways of phrasing gratitude. When they leave, you have no idea where they're going. Even if they said it was the upper east side.

I've made him a they. I'll be back on my feet if I'm even off my feet. But, you know, just to whine my whine, the hurt I'd like caressed, soothed, is that it's a real change of shit- no job, days full of potential. I'd like a boyfriend but after "just hitting it off", dates are kind of taxing. I miss the guy I told my life story to who vanished. I can feel it literally taking a lot of energy, telling a date what my plays are like on the way to the wine bar. He's perfectly nice and touches my hand a lot while we both praise Wine for it's ability to aid relaxation. I'm a little out of sorts though.

X
Alexis