Okay okay

It is the morning and I feel much better but I'm well over due to tell you all the shit of lately. I had the perfect sex dream to feel better so thank me, me.

I'll come back to the horrible date and insert it here. It's over a week ago now. who bloody cares.

Remember I slept with a guy from my work, not just once, and then he avoided me and could even avoid my most bald pleas to just tell me what was going on? (He isn't the person whose blackberry thumbs were incensing me the other day incidentally. The world of my work is part, certainly, of this pie chart of Saturday night tears and properly prescribed sexdreams. Did you know I am starting a religion? A cult - yeah- no one's gonna be forced into it or anything - just really right-on tenets and objects of worship. .. more on this later...) and I realized on my own that he must be seeing someone else seriously. And his whole personality was right wing arrogance, but it made me laugh while I smoked joints and told him I had more to tell him about the world than vice versa and he agreed with that and tested if I could really not subtract like I said I couldn't and, well, of course I could subtract. He gave me very even numbers though.

Anyway I had my ways and where it was left was that he better not fuck with me - like at all - and for a year and a half we have been not speaking- not one word. Friday was his last day! Hooray! I guess he left for a competing organization and everyone hates him? I know a little about this I think - I mean I can piece the rumors together a bit but it's not important. Anyway, all that really mattered was he's gone. How lovely for me not to have that stomach drop anymore.

After he left the building though I went ahead and googled his name and his fiance's together. He's been engaged since last Spring-ish. You know that story about Pandora and the box I assume. I was curious. Their wedding page. My God. It's just exactly. I've had a really shitty week. And reading this wedding page it was like God. He said something I can't remember about how-to-live sometime about 15 months ago hanging out at my place. And I said "Wow - It's so simple!" and he just smiled and nodded. He proposed to her fifteen months to the day after they met and started dating. So, isn't that lovely. I can subtract that well too. But here's the rub: If you are really simple and keep the peripheral world out while golfing instead of considering, then you can have exactly what you want. That's what kills, a little.

They have side by side lists of things about themselves. T chart. And at the bottom beneath the T chart, some little facts about their life as a couple. Here's some stuff from his side (from memory). "First conversation with Kirsten's brother: 'Why the fuck did you buy Archstone at a 3.4% cap?' 'What are your intentions with my sister?'" Does the world we live in not hit you in the heart like a brick sometimes. I see me and Ayn Rand in a room and I'm crying on the floor, inarticulate, and she's saying "You know that I'm right." and I am just like "cry... but art... but struggle" and she rolls her eyes and says "What's so great about struggle?" and I say "Don't ask me - why are you asking me? I had a REALLY BAD WEEK." Oh yeah, in this brief t-chart he also says he does not like fiction. Just so you know. Just so you know - no fiction. It's a thing to brag about you see. It isn't accidental. He holds this stuff in real contempt. It is a way of life. And it works.

They like to make bets, says the wedding page. For example, he bet Kirsten that she couldn't score under a hundred on a really tough golf course. She did and thereby won a scuba trip from him. They like to bet Scuba trips, Ski trips, or Gorilla trips. Once a week they discuss either a winery or a current event. I am not making this up.

I don't know. It's a fairly complicated feeling I have about all this - and that in itself is kind of the heart of it - me and my complicated feelings. They don't help anything - they are just who I am. I live negotiating always with being who I am and that I can do things without a partner that are true to that and get me to places I want to be. Yet, I would feel more like I was laughing at the wedding page and less like it was laughing at me if I had a love right now, who was loving who I am. This simple girl - what does she do for a living? She "sells people things they don't need!" Same reaction I had to him I have to her: "It's so simple!"

I'm going to have to go to fucking law school if I want to go on a gorilla trip. I'm jealous. I want to go on one now. And, maybe this bothers you, I don't even know if it bothers me: I probably would have been alright with this incredibly-selfish-person betting me things I could definitely do like some paternalistic figure cum lover if he had been on board. I mean we did not even really go out. But I was somewhat alright with Mens Health being his Bible and whatnot. I thought it was a game he needed to play to live his life. No one could really think that. No one smart could ever think the best thing to do is to never consider any fiction and treat Mens Health like the Bible. So in my fantasy, which might have some reality in there, he knew that it wasn't just a silly choice of mine, loving well crafted fiction, searching for meaning. I say "might have a little reality in it" because this person did feel compelled to seduce me before proposing to the girl who fits so perfectly. They like playing soduku, gin, or backgammon and discussing a winery or a current event once a week and she likes reading the wall street journal while she blowdries her hair in the morning. Kirsten presumably never gets drunk and chainsmokes as a pasttime. Well I pity her that. As much if not more than he thinks of mens health as a Bible, I believe drinking and dancing beats the shit out of backgammon. Even if sometimes my way of living finds me so lonely I can barely take it. Contrast can really be a bitch though. Believe it readers, believe it.

Well boo hoo. That alone wouldn't explain my abject misery last night. i shall bullet some other last week things that'll help you understand that I can't even qualify it as self-indulgent. There was no way to feel but sad. Now I need to get my hair blown out though. I love you.

More soon.

Alexis