Where the Wild Things Are is Excellent. David Brooks wrote the best review I've read so far. It's pschoanalytic in its approach to character he says. Then he put in his own little zeitgesit statement about a change happening in our collective approach to character. Neat. Anyway, wonderful movie.

WTWTA is probably somewhat responsible for a degree of vividness and fullness of feeling to my dreams last night/ this morning. I traveled a distance in a lush part of Africa and climbed a ladder and met my team. I watched a lot of TV yesterday and that's why there was a "team" I think.

Oh right before I went to bed I watched Celebrity Sex Rehab which aside from the fact that Dr. Drew wears a stethoscope is really pretty good.

Jesus what am I talking about. I was gonna do such a good blog today but I ran it in my head and now I don't wanna write it.

So I woke up and decided to sleep another 20 minutes and decided to put my chosen work crush in a dream since I was in a good dream moment.

Scene from last week (reality):
Analysts crowded around another analyst's desk in front of mine. Analysts discussing sunglasses with sides. These are called wayfarers. Cute boy didn't know this and I can never remember what wayfarers are either since to me they sound like either sneakers or shorts. I don't talk at work though - not to the analysts, not unless we are getting coffee at the same time. I am listening to this conversation but acting like I'm not. So then Cute says "like the sunglasses they give you at the dentist" For some reason everyone looks at me for a reaction. I say "Do you mean the eye doctor?" (even though I know he means just what he said) Much more lauughter than that deserved.

And so - I loved the dream I got to have about him when I told my contented self to dream this morning. (upcoming = dream) We went to a burger place. Oh the burgers smelled so delicious. Without a doubt they were in n out burgers but we were in NYC. Dreams! We were laughing and laughing and buying our burgers. No one was watching and I very nearly stole myself a second burger at the checkout becasue therewere all these hot delicious ones just wanting to be grabbed. But I didn't - just stole extra fries. Then we were in a car - he was driving I think - or I was - either way we were eating the burgers and the fries and they were delicious - maybe we were bringing someone else some burgers too. Then he told me he really liked me and kissed my neck. It was AWESOME.

I have dreams like this and they're really nice. Maybe if I wait long enough something this exciting will actually happen (but I doubt it. Also I don't mean iwth him. I just mean with anyone) Please don't get the wrong idea that I'm upset about boys or love or stuff right now. I'm not. I feel pateint and fine about it. I have support, boys who I like and who think I'm bee-ooo-te-ful - I'm good. I'm not inspired but it's fine. And my last blog post wasn't about becoming lesbian or actually hating men: it was a women are superior thing which I always think. Just to clarify. What I'm going at is that feeling I remember from adolescence and dreams where I actually feel flooded with that special joyful anxiety. Some days I think I could never feel this ever again - which I can be happy to have ever felt it at all. Most days I figure I may feel it again before I'm 46. At any rate, I understand it to be an unknown and it does not wrench my heart regualrly or anything like that.

But sometimes good enough movies can make me dream it. Plus daylight savings time, plus the heater on yet not overheating the room.

God I love it. Too bad there are no occasions where me and that office cute boy are sent to go get burgers for everyone in an old blue Corrolla. Becasue I am sure you readers all know DUH If we were it would go down just like the dream. I would sit in the passenger seat all silently repeating "tell me you like me and kiss my neck tell me you like me and kiss my neck" and then it would happen just like the dream.

Again, this is in no way a patheticness posting. Need you to know that. How I feel about this is happy. Happily, I am not very deluded lately.

You may ask this though: "Alexis, you're funny: can I ask you this? You know Alexis, you seem so excited, moved, and spiritually most nourished by the arts - most of all drama, the depth of human character, and music, so what attracts you- what arouses your secret sad-happy dark and soft and heart heat love-warmth about these bland corporate boys?"

(MyfriendH told me something great about looking for our Dads once recently and I really liked that answer and it gave me some solace in wondering why I liked someone I shouldn't have. She's good. this is an aside)

I was thinking this very question to myself as I went for lunch today though. Look out becasue I don't have a concise answer.

Part of it though I think is a practicality that I insert into my fantasy life, or a realism, however you want to say it. Even in my fantasy likfe i am fantasizing about someone whose job would actually support us so that we could really have a wintry house which is like a haven in the snow - a key fantasy of mine all my life.

I don't want him to be around all the time. I want him to be handsome, love to love me, go to work, earn money, respect me to fucking death.

What is love to me? Nothing intense and twilight-like - not even in my fantasies. When I fatasize about my be-suited husband I just fantasize him saying my name to other people when I'm not around and saying something about me. To me that is love. "Alexis doesn't like those sorts of movies." These are the words I put in my crushes' mouths in my fantasies. Isn't that funny.

The way I see it - there's an alternate route to my wintry joy which is law school. Then I'd be able to earn enough to buy my own house. I will consider this at 31 but no sooner. I like being single in New York now, but I do want to live in New England in my own house and i would like a child.. sometime, later not now. I don't see any harm in fantasizing about just being taken there and encouraged to write, mother, get analysis, learn to play instruments and the odd language - and don't forget, be mentiononed to others... "Alexis is learning Italian. We're taking the baby there in Spring." "Alexis wrote the saddest song about her postpartum depression. Anyway she doesn't like those kinds of movies."

I hope you understand I don't feel pathetic about any of this! It is just confessional and hopefully you kinda know what I mean!

xoxoxoxox
love
A