Work it out

Sometimes doing a state of the Alexis address is very purging and in that way helpful; other times, it doens't really get me anywhere, and I'm not clear enough on anything to really work anything out. But let's do it anyway - eventhough I just feel like a directionless hundred ten pounds of girl person (so attractive - so fantastic in the sack - and so on-my-own regardless!) these days.

So, I actually hope I get into Iowa and if I get in, I'll go. If there is one thing I've realized about Life Right Now it's that while I might have moments of great aspiration, ambition, and hope, New York doesn't need me here and it's more important that I as an organism find a place to do some kind of craft than that I be in New York City.

If I am accepted to Iowa, which I really may not be, and I go, that will be sad that MyfriendH will have finally moved to New York at the same tiem I'm leaving and that wonderful A & M will be here in about a year. But I'll have to go, if I get in. For those of you moving here, I'm the original New Yorker - I understand New York better than you - New York loves me more than you - and even in my absentia these thoughts ought to haunt you! I'm fucking iconic and just because only you and me know that doesn't make it less true.

I haven't been able to write at all lately -- too much in a rut, too circular my thinking, too bored with absolutely everything. too desirous of someone to do my errands with me.

i mean how it's so crazy -- when I think I have someone - in whatever sense - just someone thinking about me, in any way prioritizing me - sudddenly I can go buy a new dresser, buy flowers, keep things together, produce writing... and how, when I don't, I'll watch TV all day even when the sun's out and drug myself to bed as soon as appropriate. What gives? you know --- it's really not strange at all. I've been on my own for I think three years now. eventually yourself doesn't seem like enough of a person to be championing day in day out hour to hour.

So, here's hoping I get into Iowa guys... otherwise you're gonna have a rough time listening to me try to keep myself a happy girl on my own and get next years applications done while not-giving-a-shit-about-anything for the next long while.

I love you with all of my heart.
Alexis