Thoughts

First, there is a disaster:

When you google my first + last name, this blog can actually be discovered and that is all Eff Gwazdor's fault for convincing me at some point, long ago, when I still living in the disgusting hole and felt like the most anonymous person who ever was, to join technorati - which i did and made myself his "fan" and through this I and my blog are now identified online - eventhough I have "declaimed" my blog etc. upon this discovery.

So, you all can do the math -- my favorite thing about this blog was it being secret.

So it's probably near its demise unless in the next few days the problem is solved, which it probably won't be.

I can't have acquaintances able to access this much information about me. This is what I always feared Eff! -- If you see our old discussions about public and private, my big concern was that what is unknown about one's opinions and stance is what gives one power and the potential for dignity among the throngs who don't know or need to know the heart of who one is.

So that's the big news in cyber space.

Other thoughts...

I was reading Craigslist missed connex yesterday and one was written to a "big girl" who the author frequently saw crying on the train. The author stressed that he/she (I couldn't figure -- didn't really check) was NOT attracted to said big girl, and didn't want to help in any real sense, but that he/she understood the feeling -- it was, he/she said, the feeling of being broken and alone in the big fast city. If he/she could say something it would be something like "I get it, sister."

My feeling about this is I HOPE the big girl does not read this missed connections post. That post is just the coldest comfort ever and I think it would smart lots more than nothing at all. It's like, oh great -- my good cries are fucking observed to the point of being posted about on the internet but the closest I am to the connection I'm missing is that someone wants to anonymously call me "sister" from their computer because everyone else is just a miserable usually. At least that's how I'd feel if I read such a thing and it was me. I don't know. Maybe I'm being too hard and the impulse is something in itself. But I feel like this is a problem -I think it's a problem to express cyber-ly and not in actuality.

The other night the millionaire (we're through incidentally - came to my senses - it - my coming to my senses- had something to do with a statement he made about increasing revenue but not cutting costs - this being how he proudly intends to function - closest thing yet to personal philosophy sadly) and I started watching "A Scanner Darkly" and I wondered if he knew the biblical reference. He did not.

When I was a child I thought as a child
But when I became a man I put away childish things
for now we see as through a glass darkly
but then with love face to face.

I forgot how much I love that. The movie wasn't particularly what we sought to watch but connecting the phrase "through a glass darkly" to anything technological is right-on enough in my opinion. That's what I'm saying about that craigslist post -- that's what I'm saying about everything all the time!

Course the Bible even goes so far as to say that language separated us from eachotehr - because people got the problem from the beginning didn't they?

If this blog were to coninue I would want to be FUNNIER! We're so overdue for a quiz or peom on here.

I will try to think of something cheerful today. not erasing this yet, but man, maybe I should --- for all I know ex boyfirends are googling me all the time, lookig for exactly this evidence that I continue to struggle with meaning and laughing and laughing and laughing while they enjoy their work and excell in useful studies!

:)

love
Alexis

p.s. Can you tell I'm feeling better?