Self-check

A little mean spirited starting Saturday night... or at least the inkling of concern about it; it abated somewhat Sunday with allergic reaction (ate a pine nut cookie at 9 am!!! Treated with vomiting, benedryl, and sleep) rainstorm laundry nice-night-at-home. But Monday oh shit. I am still making conscious efforts to be more mellow, accept. I got perspective early on this morning since I turned on "Today", and you can't avoid this big massacre thing. I'm not seeking out information really, beyond putting the TV on... and I know that 32 people were killed (I think,) and I glanced in the direction of a newspaper on the train that said something about hearing screaming through the walls. I guess it can be hard to know what mean-spirited really is. I'd prefer not to know about this thing - that's not exactly mean? Well-- things like this are different becasue they provoke a response simply by occuring and being told. It's horrible news. But so is everything about Iraq every day. See? I'm gloomy but not down.

The anger of yesterday was annoying though. It was because an executive assisstant bossed me. It really screws up your day. But it shouldn't and it's really weird trying to talk yourself out of being mad. Watching yourself try to talk yourself out of being mad. I was walking out of the subay to class in Brooklyn and I had to tell myself that I'm not allowed to be mad about being only a little bit tired on my way to something I want to look forward too. Maybe if I hadn't gone to town marking up people's stories really critically I would have enjoyed the feeling of walking to the class. But since I spent the day creating email distribution lists from insane instructions and creating a spreadsheet with the information for 6 months worth of maintenance contracts on many varied properties while reading said stories, I hadn't properly gotten up my enthusiasm for what was working very well in them. I can get evil with a pencil when I feel misused. How mean spirited can you get?

I think it has to do with how focused I'm trying to be about projects and how much effort that is for me. I love being focused and it is something I can do, but it takes away energies from my other aspects... to get new age. Yeah, focus edges near to mania, just a little for me. this is why Eff and I were cracking up about that "Manic Depressive Check-list" in the NYT magazine some months ago. Quite a few of the points seemed like pithy concise descirptions of life. ..."Do you sometimes get very excited and speak notcieably quickly?"

Anyway, I got the last seat on a train and was on time to work. When was the last time?


Happy Tuesday. Merry Spring rain.

XOXOXOXOX
Alexis