Gwazdor asked if I ever meditate
count my breaths

My breaths take looong

do you ever
take a nap at 7 on a friday
and wake up at 8
and turn on all the lights
and get back in bed
on your back
look at the ceiling
see a circus seal
or a cartoon airplane
there's smooth patch in the middle where the fixture glows
then craggy all around there
and theres chunky vocal soft noise
it's some kid in the stairwell and the hall
footfalls - they sound different, muffled still but percussive
and I didn't realize that kids made this noise like manatees back and forth til I listened
This would have scared me when I was little
to think about that dirty stairwell
and hear this monstrous continuous non verbal noise
insulated i was then
scared of dirty hallways, and the muffled noise of playing kids
Still insulated, but
I'm not scared now
When i was climbing up here, tired, bare-legged (hose discarded in the trash beneath my desk)
I saw him...
If he were standing he would come to the bottom of my breast
head beneath his arm face against the wall
I knew he was crying
and I said
cheer up
And he looked at me and it wasn't
stupid grown-up
it was
stupid grown up
it was okay
because I said it right
He didn't know
I didn't let on
that
one day he might be my age
lying on his back
still more in his skin than anywhere else
and certainly more in his skin than anyone else
just still him
somewhere like Queens
with his own waking thirst and ceiling to see.