yeah, no , I know...

I know.

What do you think of this guy?

So that guy I was freaking out over (WHY? - because he is my absolute polar opposite and is physically strong)- here is what's transpired since my day of hell.

Umm... he followed through with a phone call Thursday and texts last Sat. morning - he came to Astoria that night, kisses and fun - we went to the beer garden and met my friends - fun stuff - he hates smoking! He hates pot smoking! Hilarious. I am eating it up -- polar opposite!

What a nice night and morning.

End of morning Sunday he got a LITTLE cagey but I kind of made jokes about it. We, at my instigation, tried to make another date, but seeing as he has golf very early on Saturday, and "never knows when [he]'ll have to stay at work til 10:00pm," it was this vague-ish next Saturday night plan that we made, and I also stressed that he needs to call on the telephone and not count running into eachother at work as that.

So he did call last night as he was walking home from an improv rehearsal and this is how that went:

Him: Hi so... uh, how are you - where are you?
Me: The Marriott Residence Inn.
Him: Oh right your writing thing.
Me: Want to come to a party I don't really want to go to that I'm about to go to?
Him: no, no - I have the trainer at 6:30am tomorrow.
Me: Yeah - I don't want to go either that's cool. I mean I am going though. Anyway Where are you?
Him: Walking home from an improv rehearsal..... So the weekend's looking really messy... I have golf first thing in the morning - like I'm literally renting a car at 6:00 in the morning- and then a friend from undergrad is coming in Saturday night...
Me: Oh,.... okay.... and I guess you want to get one-on-one time with you friend...
Him: Well, it'll be like a small group...
Me: Ummm... ok....
Him: So let's just keep it open and watch your texts...
Me: Uhhhh... (nervous laughter)...well... Hey text me at work so I'm not bored.
Him: Well, things have actually been really really hectic at work...
Me: mm. (long pause) well, text me anyway.
Him: Okay watch your texts though.
Me: Well, yeah.

We got off the phone and I realize how annoyed I am.. really annoyed. I called back because I can't take this anymore... he didn't pick up. I got in the cab to go to the party where I'd know no one and would leave after ten minutes without talking to anyone. I called again. I said I couldn't really hear/ talk in the hotel and thought maybe we could talk while I was in the cab.

Me: Have you sent texts I haven't responded to?
Him: No. No, I just meant that I know you have to delete them...
Me: Yeah. So listen I feel like, I feel like if you really wanted to get together and spend time, you'd find a way we could do this... I don't want to... I don't want to...
Him: Well, I'm just having a really hard time planning the weekend. I have this golf thing and I have this friend coming and...

Magically, it is the shortest cab ride ever and this is basically as far as this conversation gets before I have to pay in a big messy hullabaloo and now I am on the humid horrible street. I find a stoop.

Him: Frozen grapes are the greatest idea.
Me: yeah.. yeah.. oh I just read something about fr--
Him: What?
Me: Oh just.. just.. nothing, really...
Him: Just regular green grapes and put them in the freezer... and they are fantastic...
Him: Yeah I just read this thing in the New York Times about frozen blueberries.. I mean it was ten foods you should be eating. Swiss chard, and beets but I don't like beets, and frozen blueberries...
Him: You know where they got that article from?
Me: (I do know but say:) Where?
Him: Men's Health. It's like my Bible.
Me: I'm not surprised - I mean I saw it in your house.
Him: The NY Times takes almost all their Health articles from there.
(Honest to God we now talk about the location of magazine publishers and Conde Nast for a spell.)
Me: I mean, I just.. I think you're putting me in a position here and I...
Him:
Me: I mean, did you tell me to keep my Saturday open?
him: Umm.. no, ithink I just said to keep Saturday real.
Me: (like "to the moon Alice!") oooohooohoooohoo. I am trying not to act crazy here.
Him: I don't want you to act crazy either.
Me: I bet you don't. (deep breath) Well, I just wish.. I just would like... I mean I'm going away a week from Thursday -- God I am really hating New York tonight--- wait... motorcycle... motorcycle... and now this fucking truck is backing up... dammit... anyway... I'm going away next weekend... a week from Thursday my friend from california is flying in and we're renting a car Friday morning and going to this wedding and we won't come back til Sunday... and I would just like to know...
Him:
Me: (exasperated) Honestly, I mean, if you want to get out of it, just get out of it..
Him: I'm not trying to get out of it - it's just I have golf really early on Saturday...
Me: I guess this is all starting to seem pretty needy but...
Him: I'm trying to ignore the neediness...
Me: (gasp)
Him: I'm joking.
Me: Okay. okay but maybe it's needy but...
Him: I'll try to work on it -- now that I know that you're away next weekend... I won't leave you waiting on texts on Saturday
Me: My life is so complicated. I hate it.
Him: I know.

And there you have it. Scene. Life is too cruel. There are 3 different boys/men off the top of my head dying to see me on Saturday night. But I am doomed to be so very one-at-a-time. My idiot therapist who I haven't seen for two weeks thinks that in this situation (which is basically the exact same situation as two weeks ago) what I need to do is go out with one of them on Saturday, but he is obviously a retard that needs to be dismissed/replaced. I don't want to go on some other date on Saturday and so I will not.

The good news is: I remembered this morning, oh yeah!, I am going to get tickets to a show early saturday morning at the TKTS booth and do that in the nighttime. Therefore, when my boyfriend here (ha ha ha) gets in touch about whatever the hell he's doing, I'll truthfully be held up at the theater til whatever time. But the big question is : is it imperative that I toss the whole thing right this second - it would be about the first time I let go someone I was still interested in because screw them and their nonchalance. Do you, my friends, think this is the moment to do it, just do it, my feelings be damned?

God I apologize for this friends. Because it is frickin pitiful, and because it is my heart.

love
Alexis

That's right bitches

(you know if you're my reader that I love you -- you're only my bitch cuz you're my reader - who else are my bitches, you see?)

Anyway, that's right bitches-- sometimes I get strung out over guys when I have drunken sex with them and they don't call in a timely way! Oh judge me -- oh call me obsessive -- I am obsessive. Oh call me absurd -- fuck you too!

But anyway, I still haven't finished my actual sentence: That's right bitches sometimes when I get strung out over a guy it goes so far that I can't stop thinking about it and crying on the subway and obsessing all over the place and then I even call an ex who broke up with me and demand comforting. Do they resent it? MAaaaaaybe... Can it possibly matter? Don't you understand yet that nothing matters at all?

I'm going to blog for about four hours this morning -- should be epic. I am working front desk reception today. This guy was from work by the way. Because I'm nothing if not careful with my delicate emotional balance. So I have to work the front desk and hope he's not too obnoxious when he arrives, leaves for lunch, goes on assorted other outings? Do you know how hard it is to guard your power as a woman who likes sex and attaches intimacy to sex? Very effing hard. Do you know how hard it is to guard your power in business? You need an MBA. And a sharp and probably linear way of thinking. I'm actually not slightly concerned with the second one --- Crazy as I am, some things are just not my area in a way that is so blindingly obvious, I can't even worry about it in the midst of worrying about everything under the sun except them - them is the one thing - them is being linear enough to go get an MBA or something- I need to stop admiring it though. Which you'd think would be easy but, well, there's always room for surprises if they are bad.

Speaking of bitches, Eff Gwazdor - incommunicado. I really wanted him to look at that video of him and me that Maddie made -- I've done everything but call on the telephone so that is my next line of inquiry I guess. But I miss him lots. I think he is really immersed in his work. I am very jealous because I am really immersed in crazy... anyway though... everything will be alright. Singing Suite Judy Blue eyes has been helpful so far this morning. As is typing like a maniac. Thank God for the blog - said it before and say it again.

This is how Eff and I became friends:

I was in tenth grade. Eff was a junior. I had always known him, because we both went to TollGate Grammar. Do you think it's at all worth nothing that our elementary school was named "TollGate" as in a Toll Gate? Well, I do. Is that a proper name for a school? Is that inspiration? Do you know what a Toll Gate is? It's where you pay a Toll? Should the only metaphorical association of a Grammar School's name be paying? I could be really wry and "if the shoe fits..." Too easily is my point. Shouldn't someone have cared that it's such an easy negative to draw?

Anyway, I knew Eff already because we both went to Toll Gate and it was small. The popular kids -- were they popular? What was that? I will call them "the kids easily elected to student council becasue lameness loves more lameness" always made him treasurer. And his campaign was always really cool -- there were posters for it and they were always intricate and wonderful.

My mind's off on a track about those student council kids from his grade. Dreads? A band? A band called, what?, "Tophie and the Sea Monster." - ? - "Tophie and the Spaghetti?" "Tophie and the Moon?" That Tophie kid was cute no lie --- I was busy thinking I was a classical singer in high school. I was never friends with those student council kids or their fringe element friends with (totally conventional) jam bands. I never really knew Tophie but he had that skin that's softer than mine by a factor of 5 and tans brownly. I consider that a superior race to mine - those male soft browns with the sinewy calves and upper arms. (the girls like this are bitches -all - just kidding :) ) Do you think he's married now? What kind of girl? Sort of peaceful and awesome? What do they talk about? I bet they go on great vacations. I bet they camp and I bet she sleeps late. I should have made a better go at the suburbs and the Greatful Dead. I shouldn't have romatacized and become this crazy thing I am.

Anyway, both Eff and I took the bus to school. The first day of school, at the end of the day, they announced, I don't know, MAYBE, your bus number, and showed some diagram, MAYBE, of where your bus would be now on the bus-parking-circle that joined the high school to Timberlane Junior School (reasonably named-- or at least not named TollOnYourLife- which actually that one maybe should have been named - woof, Timberlane! I didn't have real breasts yet and that was not fun.). But in all truth I don't believe there was ever a diagram at all. I'd remember that. And there wasn't one. I think actually it was more like: on the first day, all the classes were five minutes shorter so that there was addtional time for a second homeroom when all your classes were through. And at this homeroom, poor little Ms Klima tried to give information such as where your bus was, by reading off bus numbers in the order that they were parked on the circle. But only a really linear person would have sat and known their bus number for one and understood what the order of the numbers as read by ms Klima had to do with where the bus was for two. There's probably two kids like that, with the program like that, in every homeroom. Besides those two, it was pandemoniom, of course, and everyone in the whole school running out to their lockers, and the bell already rung and quick quick quick to the busses or you'll miss them.

My locker was about five lockers from Eff's. Or four. And I knew we were on the same bus. So I asked him if he knew which was our bus and he very frankly agreed that it was impossible to know! And he asked what I thought we should do. And I said "We should stand at the end of the road as they're all leaving..." (they had to leave one at a time around the circle) "and look for people we recognize from our bus, and when we see that, flag down the bus, yell, and jump and stuff." And Eff said it was the best idea he had ever heard.

Eff knows I'm in love with that story. It really is how we became friends. I don't know if there's any point in examining why you love a story or a thing-that-happened. And in the state I'm in, have been in, it might make me start crying (fyi: I don't think ANYONE at work so far realizes how close I am to crying. If you have problems at work get a blog I tell you --- total saving grace) But I love it a lot. I think it might have something to do with well, you know. I guess I think it stands alone and I can't explain it. He thought it was the best idea ever. We did it and it worked.

love love love.... more blogging soon... i want my fingers not to cease typing today.

it's always the same

Cabbie last night listens to a priest in California on the radio, he says. 2011 will be the end of the world and there will be a world wide earthquake and the dead will rise from their graves and the non believers will have to stay on earth in torment and terrible suffering.

Me: Well, lots of people are living like that right now on earth.

That stopped that, basically and I was glad. He kept giving me cigarettes too and stopped the meter way ahead of my house. What a (yiddish word must exist for it). I was gonna tip him anyway, but I played along. I said "You don't have to stop the meter - that's alright - when the end comes it will be okay that you made money."

The thrill is... back!

Children... please gather around my flouncy hem... I have to tell you some good news... I have been loving drinking for the entire week. The thrill is back.

Oh, KFR -- I have a hangover and I feel giggly and good. I am assigning myself one email to you at 2:15pm.

Love
Alexis

Just one thing. (?)

I'm waiting for my aircon to cool down my room.

But the just one thing is lemme tell you, the toughest part about being single and being a secretary is feeling like you have to answer for it all the time.

I don't think I can blame other people for this. As often as not I'm blurting things out, defensive when other people have a different way they're making it. I assume I have to answer for myself and sometimes I'll just blurt/ cut to the chase. It's pathological and I think I'll try to stop.

At my party this weekend, I embarrassed the crap out of myself suddenly blurting out something about "When I sprained my ankle, I was dating a millionaire, so he got me a car service - I don't know what I would have done without it." It's so weird that I said this. I suppose I'm ashamed by that entire affair. Leave it to me to address shame by trying to act like it's nothing and leaving people speechless. I have to say I didn't realize immediately that that whole thing was antithetical to beliefs it turns out I hold, and deeply, but blurting out that it happened to people who don't know all about me - I won't necessarily have a chance to get to the "then I realized it was antithetical to me" part and so I just sound pretty ridiculous. Maybe even pathetic. How awful.

My little sister is going to Yale and today was her graduation. More no one particularly making me feel like I have to answer for anything but more me feeling that way anyway.

I'll come back to this tomorrow I suppose. I bet my room is cool now. I am merely saying that it sucks I don't have one thing to point to that would make me feel like people weren't judging me as coming up a little short. Also, I probably have to suck that up, and not do this "I'm still naive and that's okay!" thing, because I feel bad about the entire millionaire fiasco and I think maybe in this, my twenty seventh year, I ought to resolve not to engage in things that feel like they may have some un-righteous element that figures large - because even if I don't yet know HOW it will turn out to be wrong, I should still be able to surmise that it will somehow and I shouldn't do things that compromise my ability to feel proud, since natural pride is what I seek.

Anyway, Summer is here. my apartment is a great one. I'll be dating. watch this space for what happens there. (can't I not? really....)

love
Alexis

Reality TV

I cannot figure out if this is two years ago or one.

If you ever didn't believe me when I told you going home regreses me, here is some evidence. What we don't have evidence of, actually, is that I'm not regressed all the time! I'm ready for my close up Maddie DeMille?

Eff, please come home. You are the idol of my family.

Although, I think I look pretty in this vid. (full disclosure- I'm so vain!), believe me it's a paen to YOU.

sigh, love,
Alexis