Good morning

I'm cheering up. (it's no longer the morning) I woke up with strange sad feelings. It is September 11th but that's not why. It was more self involved and same old and Alexis than that. I woke from dreams of my LSAT tutor I crushed on so hard in the Spring. I knew that here it is Saturday and I am meant to get lots done and be happy now. It wasn't working.

In the dream he came down the shore with me but although we had lovely makeout sessions, he never wanted to do anything fun with the rest of us. I found his personal word documents on his computer. Short paragraph - something about his brother. It was a violation so I felt bad about that. woke up.

A few things I want to do here. I want to retire this blog possibly. I'll have to make a new one. It would be called Allergic to pinenuts. It will probably only be about pine nuts.

If I am retring the blog, I will want to write a post of summation. The reason to retire it is that it is nearly four years old and it's not only a blog, it's a blob. I re-read parts of it often. It was more fun at the beginning I believe - I mean it had a cute voice and funny and I was struggling in a mid twenties way. Now it's updates on strange not-entirely-comfortable feelings. How will I review it before retiring it? I don't know yet.

Check out this uncomfortable feeling:

Last night in New York was something called Fashion's Night Out which I think is STUPID. I had to work it though - i.e. pass out gift bags. It was poorly organized and i was annoyed. Free gift bags in rockefeller plaza? How about hands in my face. I was in no mood. People were disgusting me.

See- this is why the blog has to change? This is a long story and as usual what I want to tell you is EVERYTHING - not just last night - the whole week- the whole everything. I recently read a book with this epigram at the start:

If i could, I'd do no writing at all here. It would be photographs; the rest would be fragments of cloth, bits of cotton, lumps of earth, recordsof speech, pieces of wood and iron, phials of odors, plates of food and excrement.... A piece of the body torn out by the roots might be more to the point. -James Agee, Let Us Now Praise Famous Men

I don't know. The past week i've been feeling great. my applications are going to require a lot but my thought is that if i can just be sure to be home and not go out and keep the house kinda organized, it'll all happen and hooray for holding a job and just keep on keeping on I am blessed - don't fall prey to all the ways to feel bad. To thine own self be true and do your applications essentially.

Work events confuse the fuck out of me though. concerning success and celebrity I always felt this cool way that I was realized beyond that. Even in LA - and then a lot of people were always telling me I was "real." My last night feeling wasn't a new feeling honestly. I've always felt this way when work forces me too. Terrible! About all the shit. And the grey area.

I AM INARTICULATE.

Like one of my cowrokers band played Rock Center for this Fashions night Out event. That's a big deal - right in front of Prometheus. I had so much fun earlier this week hearing these incredibly loud little boys play in a shanty bar in Williamsburg. Other coworkers were saying things like that they were proud of him. And someone said "I'm going to cry. It's great to see people doing what they're supposed to be doing."

In short: I can't enjoy Rockefeller Center. I've always sensed that said kid/coworker thinks I'm weird and stupid. Yes! the indy kid. the adorable weirdo of work. I don't know. See- I can't write? What I mean is that I HATE events and I HATE work relationshps and I AM UNFIT for acquaintanceships. I felt so weird standing alone with a drink listening to his band. So many issues. The lights look nice but I was feeling transcendent and then standing in the fucking rink I felt alone and music felt like nothing to me.

It got better. I got a meal with my one co-worker C and I think he might be a-ok. I'm forever going to be paranoid that my coworkers think badly of me. Seriously its a dynamic i can only compare to 7th grade. Then I think - is it because I'm beautiful and the coolest person in the world and it's jealousy? And I still have no idea! And that seems slightly implausible. More than slightly.

Ultimately, my point is (HAHA can you believe I would even SAY THAT) I am dismayed that I still have sad feelings like exclusion and the back and forth of "ah yes, everyone is admiring me" and "oh God - no one is even thinking about me at all" PLEASE! I am old now!

So I wish I'd written earlier in the week when i was writing in my head these lovely poems about the noise and the faces at rockmusic bar. Instead i am writing on this tired blog lamenting the tired feelings of work is so empty. Boo!

Honestly, so glad for fall - i'm feeling pretty great and so happy with most things and only mildly confused and I'm still in love with that tutor who didn't write back to my email about inception and is 23 or something? haha, no.

Humanity-wise we have no excuse not to be becoming so amazing. Oh- I have to write to Lewis Black today! that's right.

Sorry for this! XOXOXOXOXO
A