All the news that's fit to print:

Good thing: I had sex last night. Omgosh it was great. It was with Ryan. (This post is so far in the style of the guy that writes the "I'm a guy" column in Glamour magazine, but I'm not a writer anymore - everyone knows that ;) so it's no big.) Yeah, gosh it was just great. He was also very very pleased. GOOD SEX. WHERE IS MY BLUE RIBBON TODAY?

When Ryan called Christmas Day I said "Well I guess you could come to New Years Eve at my house and be my weekend boyfriend." I thought this was a pretty benign offer since Ryan lives in Montreal (when he's not driving all over the place - picking up craigslist riders, camping wherever he finds himself) When he called a couple days before and said, yep, as long as I agreed he was getting in his van in Montreal and heading down on New Years Eve itself, I felt somewhat apprehensive about him coming. I kept saying "Well I hate for you to drive so far" but he was glad to.

My apprehension in all this, which was outweighed but existed, is that Ryan and I are different in this way that feels very essential, elemental... However, with reminders to myself to chillax, it was possible to recognize that he knows that and thinks that's fine so I should know that and think it's fine too.

Ryan loves Burning Man. Ryan loves cuddling. There is a sticker on his van door that says "wanna cuddle?" and it's funny because yes, this must be a big phrase in his life. There are also all these stuffed animals on the dash. He said at Burning Man last year he didn't take many drugs because he was working at that Burn. 'Working" here means preparing and giving away 3,000 plates of poutine - for free! Whenever he describes Burning Man, I wind up saying, really just from my brain straight to my mouth, "Why would you want to do that? Why do people do it?" The answer per Ryan is "expression' and "community" - one year he built a huge tower for people to climb up and sit on. Last year he made and gave away all this poutine. So that was an expression of "generosity." (the quote marks are for his having said this when I asked what the expression was.) He laughs at how he's invited me repeatedly to the Burn, but I've never shown any interest. I explain and he understands that I get two weeks of vacation from this job thing I have and by God I'm staying in a hotel when I take 'em. He's stalked my facebook and he gets it he says - the vacations look nice.

Let's get off the topic of the weekend boyfriend who comes to visit, which I think is intriguing but feel like leaving and coming back to. (It is like I am endeavoring to be a lecturer today and the topic of my lecture is life, being me, good things and bad things. I hope you have a pen and if you don't please see if you can borrow from the person next to you and be prepared next time.)

Bad thing: Winter. The cold. Oh Jesus. As you can see I spent the period of preChristmas to New Years basically freezing and either alone in my house or (for three days) at work at a desk where the phone never rang. 'Twas existential - lemme tell ya. Then was New Years Eve. This was a somewhat impromptu very little party where we drank absurd amounts of champagne, didn't really watch 2001 A Space Odyssey, mostly played tunes and were all (remaining) mututally black out drunk from about 12:30am to 3:00 am. The tragedy was that MyfriendH was able to come with the intention of not overdoing it at all, as she had work at the hospital at 8am, but couldn't even lightly partake until around midnight-ish as planned, because she got sick, maybe from her dinner at a restaurant with her husband, whom she told to stay in spite of her sickness and have fun and who did and rocked our jams as is his party wont. But I must admit I was inordinately sad about that. However, there's supposed to be this rager coming up at my place in a couple weeks and if all the stars align we'll be able to party together then. I hope it makes her feel good not bad that I miss her. :)

None of that is the point really but it all adds up to the point which is that it's too cold, I drank so much, I saw my dad's family, I'm ashamed how addicted I am to cigarettes, it's too damn cold.

Right - so New Years Day Holly and Micah stayed all day to watch 2001 which blew my mind as it always does. Micah left and Holly stayed to watch Kathy Griffin episodes and Kathy Griffin is my new Gore Vidal. We think the same things about everything just about. We both know you're not supposed to say 'retarded" but think it's such a great word the world is just going to have to deal with us doing the wrong thing on that count. Ryan had a lot of fun watching Kathy. He doesn't know anything about pop culture. Not his thing. When he drove me to NJ the next day, we stopped for a beer before he dropped me off at my Dad's and we got into the foreign-ness of our lives to eachother. (ultimately they're not so foreign actually) I told him that he has the soul of a true hippy and he had to admit it was true. (I wonder to myself if I have the soul of a true neurotic but if I think that it is probably the cold and the sleep schedule and who knows what thinking that because what I have is, as always, this blasted grounded-ness and then my own dose of expressiveness - I just exist and I don't need anybody except I do but I can tell, luckily, that it's all going to be fine.) Ryan also doesn't seem to have any bone terror going from watching 2001 which I do because I'm not sure the days between Christmas and new Years watching tv and checking facebook this year were all that different in existential affect than the ride to Jupiter with HAL. (whatever.) Into my house and the family gathered around the counter with the digital photo album of the trip they just returned from to Patagonia. Ella and David are over and taking in the slide show too. Ella: "And what are YOU doing Lex?" Me: "Oh-- looks like going to Mexico for my 30th and then going to Law School." Ella: "I was a single woman until I went to Mexico - be careful- that's where I met David!"

Then last night I came back from New Jersey, sex, and you're up to speed except that I haven't told you about waking up in the same old freezing cold this morning (ryan made coffee and walked me to the train. I thought about how winter is a reality that I wisely don't think about til it's here because what would be the point but it is funny how I forgot it would be so cold that I wouldn't even be able to get myself to go out for presents!) and it seems I'll just never get into detail about family. One day we can talk about how different the two of them are. At that point I guess I'll be writing a novel on my blog.

At any rate the combined effect of being cold all the time, being really awfully alone for a long stretch, getting blotto with a small group of greats, recovering and confronting the infinite and my own personal most bone chilling terror-from-sound-and-image (2001), seeing my family and having no presents for them eventhough they had presents for me with the lame excuse that I meant to but it was too cold (true) coming back, ah, sex, and then not really enough sleep and a cold cold walk to to the train to come back to work is one of confusion and fullness that can't be qualiied as happy or sad. I have the taste of not enough sleep but eye-opening coffee in my mouth and its presence in my stomach. My eyes are a little tired but I'm up. The environment is forbidding. I'm looking forward to reliving last night's climaxes when I get home tonight. I think the part of the vacation where people came back to town and I convinced some of them to come be my friend at my house was a really good move that kept me from just fucking giving up in a pile of my own dirt and bedding watching cable and never thinking another thought again. Nonetheless the forbidding outdoors is sure to make a patina of this way-of-life linger in my consciousness through the season. But overall, reviewing this now, I think we can call me happy today. GOOD WORK.

love
Alexis