here is how it goes

some days I really want to blog - then I'm kind of doing stuff til late in the day and I lose momentum.

So it is 4:27pm but,

I was going to, since this is a most intimate blog say this: some wishes can never come true but when wishes are vis a vis things changing with your mother you can wish them forever anyway -- it's not an abstract wish, it's just a wish you'll always have that will never come true.

Therapy wise, I haven't been in a while becasue I'm so busy being an associate producer to solonova, throwing a bachelorette, attending a wedding, attending a graduation, reporting to work.

But the last time I went, I went twice in three days because he gave me a breakdown, and I was not pleased and wanted to know what the fuck. Initially, I went in there with a hangover, but not particularly emotional, and told him I was tired but wanted to keep the appointment. He told me I'm depressed and that I'm depressed because my work does not fulfill me and I should be a comedienne - I obviously have intelligence and talent that isn't getting used. I was frustrated - he prodded - and I told him how I got cast in a leading role in a Broadway show when I was twelve when my dad secretly took me to auditions and then my mom forbade me to take the part. She didn't want to figure out how she would co-ordinate such a thing for me while living in New Jersey and also didn't want me exposed to so many gay people. He said this was very bad for my self esteem and that of course now I'm not pursuing acting because I think, "what's the point? Even if I could I can't."

I kind of hate him for his glib analysis sometimes. I felt really breakdowny the next day and the next morning - all I had to do was think about sitting in that office and listening to him say stuff like that and I was in tears. I went in and told him how sad and fucked up I'd felt since I left the day and half before and he rolled his eyes when I explained how all I had to do was think of his office and it got me going and what the fuck. He offered to show my resume to someone he knows who is no longer a patient. He did this because I said it really wasn't fair to say I should be acting and not have any practical thing in mind. I haven't been back yet so we'll see, we'll see... I'm glad he did have some practical response though -even if that was "unprofessional" or whatever.

Anyway, then I had some pretty exhilerating weeks working on the shows for the festival and thinking I am pretty happy - I am involved in theater - maybe I'll see my way to some auditions, for now producing is a really great time for me.

Then Steph's graduation. The nice thing is that my feelings about Stephaine aren't tainted at all. She is amazing and I could search my soul for days and not find a shred of resentment. We just love eachother so simply; we're sisters. But my mother my mother! A girl sang the star spangled banner - she didn't mess up at all- and Cory Booker spoke and the whole ceremony was the best graduation I've ever been to. Afterwards my mother said to me "How about that girl who sang the national anthem? Did you know she's going to be on Broadway?" and why go to therapy if it just primes you to say, and I am ashamed of myself, "I was going to be on Broadway. You wouldn't let me." For what it's worth, that mean mean lady, she looked at me and said "Oh would you like that better?" I said, "Uh yea" with all the eyes that go with statements of the obvious and she said no one's stopping me now. And I said yea, but what a missed opportunity and then rushed on to say I'm happy with what I'm doing with the company I'm working with now- I mean I tried to take the contention level down. But man - I mean - I really don't like it how she always points out people with great talent who are going to Broadway. And then acts totally oblivious. But I'm not glad I pointed it out. You know?

My mom hates me a little. It's always been this way and is always going to be this way. I wish I understood a little better what the idea is with going over this with a therapist. The weekend got worse - not Stephanie-wise I repeat. I don't regret being there - I wouldn't have missed this for the world. I sure love that sister of mine. But I couldn't shake a little snideness - I am always a little snide with my mom. Finally my mother knocked over her boatsized drink at lunch ("I'm going to celbrate with a jubille punch!" --or whatever this huge drink was called -- celebrate your daughter who does not drink ever at all I pointed out) Then she knocked it over - she'd knocked over a wine bottle the night before - and I said "You spill stuff a lot mom" and my step-dad said "Idiot!" but I got screamed at with this lecture from my grammy about "This woman you think is so EVIL... This EVIL MOTHER of yours is a DECENT PERSON!" And then she continued that it wasn't fair how I hurt my mother's self-esteem.

I mean. I mean like I said, I wish it would be different. But I'm so angry at her forever. The way she acted at my birthday this year. I'm not over that. So I guess this is how it's going to be. She'll hate me, I'll hate her back, but I'll love my brother and sisters and they'll love me and it will hurt that I don't have a loving mother and that even grammy would have it my fault for convenience, but I'll be thankful there's these wonderful kids who are my favorite people. Plus my mom was cute a couple times when I was a little kid.

I am a very lucky person who you might think was horrifying if the first time you met me was around my mom.

lots of love xo
Alexis