So

(Sometime like 9th grade I once told someone, in an email, that no email or correspondence should ever begin with "so" and I've always remembered even though I don't know if anyone else thinks that or if I do for that matter)

Tonight is writing night and I am going to use it for just blogging and blogging because that is my pleasure. It looks like the leave of absence is gonna work. I need to send someone a revised ten minute play I wrote by Friday and tomorrow is out - b-day dinner for little sis. But knowing the leave is coming and is gonna be so sweet, I want to just do continuous writing here for hours and let it be self indulgent let it be about work let it be not imaginative let it be the relief of my lonely of my worried of my misused.

A long way back, when I started at the company, a lot of the blog stuff was about judging what people talked about all day, the other floaters. I was back to that today. It's weird because I also like them, a LOT. But I'm pretty much on the verge of tears (this day, today) and some days - with depleted seratonin like I have today - every commonplace comment feels like, what does Hamlet say about thousand and one daggers or something -- well they feel like dagger-ends. At around 1:45 one girl's boyfriend texted her a Michael Jackson lyric I don't remember now and didn't recognize. It was like "I want to rock you like a something" or something like that - I can't recall. But I was at the only computer and she asked me to put it in google so we could see if it was Michael Jackson. Strangely, the only website that came up to confirm with was actually some girl's myspace. She had her picture of her looking alluring enough I guess - can't say I remember what she looked like -- and this sort of general "want you sexy" quote and her interests were aperture and some other photography stuff and certain genres of music and I said "I can't stand it - everyone thinks they're unique" and this floater said "But why does that bother you?" Speaking of Hamlet, that is the question.

It does bother me though - to think of the 50 million web pages or whatever it is and the lists, the self defining -the list making as if to say "I am."

And in terms of the conversation happening around me, I don't like discussing excercise, or stores having sales, or what foods are healthy though I do it, oh do I do it. Nor do I like discussing dating eventhough I most certainly do when it comes up - it would be wrong to deny nice girls commiseration - but my pride rebels to having situations reduced to platitudes over and over again. I'll jump to make the platitude in fact. "yes--- well I don't know - the boy who likes me, I don't think of him when he's not around, and if I have sex with him I'll have to make myself to some degree - I spend a lot more thinking on the one who's not interested. It's how it goes - things'll work out." It just hurts me a little to tell things like that every time. The girls want to do this - and I guess I have a problem that I don't really want to -- they want to know about eharmony, they want to talk. I want to talk. But the talk all makes me feel like a myspace page. Because what's the sound of one hand clapping - what's the sound of three girls talking about dating in a corner office in Rockefeller Center.

Remember back in the day at Chey's house? There was some talk I could get behind. I'm an adult now, in the workforce, and the talk is not fun like it was when I was 14 - 18. I knew such brilliant kids. I was so lucky. We were unique and fabulous. In that corner office I feel like a myspace page. So much lost. I tend to think falling in love will be would be the closest thing to getting most of it back.

I hope I fall in love with this person named Robert from eharmony. We haven't gone out yet but I like his face and he's 6'2". He is a vegan - that can be his one flaw. It's not even a flaw except that he'll be extra skinny. I haven't fallen in love yet with anyone from eharmony.

I hate how I tell people that writing is one of my interests and then that means that every time we see eachother they ask me "how's writing? what are you writing about? how's writing going?" It makes me want to take a vow of silence. Do you know what I do? I shake my head back and forth in the universal symbol for no and look at my shoe. This has been happening and happening. Do they help me out? Do they say "oh... wait a sec - it's probably not easy to talk about writing - that's why it's writing." No, never..... they just look at me shaking my head until I say, "I really don't know ... I mean... would you please tell me something about you that makes me understand something about what it was like in your body and head at some time, maybe today but maybe not, and how it wasn't something small nor something fake that you think sounds "interesting" but something not exactly changing exactly but included the notion somewhere in it of changing? the glimmer of a changing feeling and changing moment - the glimmer I'm saying, the flutter, is all" I don't say that.. I try -- I wind up telling them I slept with a work guy and that's been making me a little depressed and then I see in their face that nothing like that has ever happened to them and I steer the conversation elsewhere. On the date last night - this guy takes us the greatest places - awesome rooftop bar! - poor thing - he had to tell me about other people he'd known and their awful situations. And to think I can't feel much for people who don't have any situations. But situations mean everything to me.

So when Robert sent me my short answer eharmony questions today and one of them was about what interest do I have that I'd like to share with my partner. (eharmony is just about getting over saying "partner" a lot - and also that you're too pretty for this aren't you?) I told him how it's been rough being asked about my writing like I have an answer, but that what I want is to get to know someone and get close to someone so that it wouldn't even be weird to show them some writing, imagine that? That is why I am so looking forward to him getting back to me and us going out - because I'm really glad he picked that question because I was so primed to give the totally honest answer.

I'm addicted to email. So eharmony feeds that well. I'm just addicted to being contacted and it's so lame and it's all of us. it's actually not lame. Humans are a bad model. We're messed up dude, needing contact or perishing and perishing from simple feeling so bad. There're fun things about technology don't get me wrong. You know how I feel about blackberries though.
And stuff like this: walking here... this guy beeped and beeped til he could plow through us pedestrians who had the light and the guy next to me hit his car and said fuck you while I yelled something about us having the light and indicated the light.

Just anger all the anger. When they made me they made a person with a little more anger. When I'm angry, I write on this blog, I bitch to a friend. Sometimes the friend is really positive and then I feel like, you don't understand - I am angry. I can't not be. Do you think I don't know I have a charmed incredible life? It's that I have no concept of enough. I need. I'm human. I hate my routine. I'm angry.

What IS the point of therapy - to understand the reasons you, say, feel angry? To go back to childhood and find its beginnings, the beginnings of being ignored, of being on your own, of people beeping while talking on their cell phone and plowing through when you have the light.

I dunno.

Time for a beer.