I just thought that

I'd tell you all a little about the epinepherin pen.

It's so fucking great for saving your life.

When I accidentally eat pine nuts, what happens is, my throat feels rough... I wonder if it's for real... monitor my ear canal.. if this is at all ring-y, then yes it's for real. If my lip starts to feel swell-y oh shit - things are really bad. No lip swell this last time. That was good.

Despite how I feel like I always ask everywhere if anything has pine nuts, despite how I usually carry around my epi-pen -- the times that I eat them I haven't done either thing.

So next comes the car ride or cab ride which is always a half an hour or more to my house to get the epi pen and stick it in my thigh.

Someone is with me and he talks about stuff and I can't hear a word because there is not a thought a thought in my head, just efforts to evenly breathe.

Until the 25th minute of the ride when the vomitting begins.

Then I finally tell the person that I really can't hear a word they're saying. And they say they don't care they were only talking to distract me. Duh. Also - yeah -- what's going to distract me from the constricture of my throat? But I breathe breathe, vomit, breathe. So overall, the effects are these - rough throat - indicative I suppose of a, thankfully, pretty gradual constricture of the throat, serious stomach trouble - not really much like nausea, more like proclicity to vomit and vomit greatly, and the adrenaline my body must be producing of its own volition which I guess is not enough to stop anything but enough for me to have a pretty rapid heart beat going already --- which I don't understand because supposedly my blood pressure is dropping all the while -- but I guess I do pretty well with my own epinepherin until I get to the shot.

Get home, vomit vomit vomit. injection. Sweet sweet amazing injection. Instant relief. You're supposed to count to ten so it all gets in. I'm in no danger of pulling the needle out too early, the relief is so sweet, I could leave that thing in my thigh all night. What an amazing, incredible thing the epinepherin auto-injector is.

Now my heart rate's jacked up but my body remains exhausted from the exhertion of approaching anaphylaxis (side note -- I am naming my children anaphylaxiss and epinepherin, respectively) Epinepherin has no psycho-active effects, it's a body-high kind of thing. I'm somewhat tingly, able to converse and what not... but it's like a conversation with someone who just finished a big sprint or something --- without the sprinting! Not bad.

Except this last time I really came down from this shit. (I do sort of hate to call it "this shit" eventhough it sounds good, because like I said, the epinepherin auto-injector is the reason I live) I can't remember if I always have this, or if it was only this time, waking up with this utter naarcissist who was pressing for sex while I was recovering from the reaction - who then, in the morning said, "part of me sort of hoped you wouldn't sleep with me and you'd teach me a lesson."

Yesterday was the come-down. This statement of his pushed me over a certian edge and I started crying - Me: "Please treat me like a person and not a representation of women. Please -- for a minute." Then I pulled myself together and we got coffee. I didn't expect htis to be a bad thing but then I was jittery the entire day and emotional in a way I haven't felt for a really long time. Later in the night I actually started crying really hard for no identifiable reason. I feel somewhat out of touch with my emotions that I need to inject myself with epinepherin to do this? But also no -- I don't want to feel like that!!!! At all!!! But it's an interesting thing that I'm thinking about and don't understand.

XOXOX
more soon
love you
Alexis