Terrorism has undermined my optimism. Terrorism has undermined something American about me, that maybe I wouldn't have realized was American had it not been undermined.
September 11, 2001, just before the first plane hit the first tower, maybe 20 minutes before, my boyfriend woke me up to say bye, he was going to class -- I went back to being what I think we called "a happy cat" a term for that particular sensation I experienced when I was able to sleep in and he had to leave for class and nobody raged. When I woke up a half hour later, sun was streaming in and I actually, consciously, thought the words "the world is at peace." I am the least psychic person in the entire world.
I feel I've been taught a really large scale object lesson on how my personal moment-to-moment senations are unrelated to, well, anything... So it's weird sometimes, when I'm on the subway, listenting to say, Suede (Oh my God--- I took all E's music off his computer and put it on my ipod and SPEAKING OF CLEAN N CLEAR how about converstaions about whether it's "Suede or L Suede of The L Suede or The London Suede?!) and feeling transcendent and great and like smiling at EVERYONE and simulataneously realizing that the combination of caffeine and poppy tunes and vanity fed and assuaged for the time being does not mean that I'm not just as susceptible to becoming a terrorist casualty as if I were, say returning from a day of (failed) teaching (attempts), feeling way beyond tears or the word "exhaustion", and writing a poem in purple skinny marker, the only one I have left, about how it would feel to be blown up in a subway, and overusing the word "mangle."
Weird hunh? If not for terrorism, I wonder if I would have really believed all the delusion of grandeur stuff -- I mean that my moods were indicative of "energies" around me or possibilities in the future or something? Probably not, but it is weird feeling so many different things on the subway isn't it?
kiss you
-A
2 comments:
As the first to write I get the kiss, right? Probably not. I'm not going to write about terrorism. I am in the Dominican Republic and I painted a ceiling all day, so I'm about to die, and I'm drinking and drinking. The only terrorists here are spiders that could so eat Osama in one gulp and chase it with Bush and still make you scream and scream because I hate spiders oh my god they are so creepy.
Actually, reverse-psychism is a subject that has been pretty extensively researched. I don't know where to start you off (tired, drunk) but I remember following leads all around reading about this. Maybe we could play poker sometime, huh?
I thought that my trip down here would leave me enough time to keep up with this blog bs, but I am working my ass off, so don't be shocked if I'm delinquent. Sorry! But I'm still
Your avid reader,,,
Oh, god. The London Suede are still out there, hitching rides on mix CDs and iPods? Maybe the terrorists will do something useful and start many more bands called "Suede" and that one band will get lost in the shuffle.
No offense, I just hate that singer guy.
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