Oh -- actually no I'm not -- I thought I'd post now and then even hit you with a rant I wrote at the last writing night about how 24 year old hotties who don't understand my need for prep time can eat a dick because I'm taking care of the whole operation here you dumb fuck and eat it more harder if you don't see how I'd like some blue on my eyes to match my shirt while I enjoy the fruits of my planning, penishead.
However, I left that notebook at home.
And so, I continue my thoughts on the next step for my life, worried that y'all are concerned I'm talking about trying to act again which I'm really not.
things I have been good at in my life. (I am now going to the kitchen for a sec...) more soon.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
I have so much to say
And if I do then you will see how hard it is inside my head. I just want to stay up and drink this beer, smoke cigarettes, so I'll try.
I think I made a big decision. I think I will ask for a sabbatical from my job. I hope they don't laugh at me. But I want two months off and I want to go to acting workshops (especially movement!) at night and write in the day and then come back to my job when I freak out about money. There's no reason why not. Even if they won't take me back, I should be able to get back into the workforce. There're jobs aren't there?
I saw a play tonight.
Last week, at this time, I was having all eye-looking-into sex with the guy from work. The next day, I sent him some photos of the wedding weekend I'd gone to a weekend before. I haven't heard from him since then. But today I got to see him cuz I was working front desk ("got to" is sarcastic). I ignored him and he ignored me right back. Professional I suppose, polite.
I put that here begging you to think I'm saying that I want a sabbatical because I'm strung out over the guy and can't stand it.
Actually I want a sabbatical from thinking of my life in these terms as they've been for an age now.
I want to make up a character - I want to make up two and put them in a situation together. But my mind's both cluttered and closed, with my routine, and the narrow prescription I've put on being able to get liberated from it.
KFR may write me that I'm way off -- in a looney state.
I think I'm not, but I'm really scared to ask for the leave.
I have been reading the advice column of a cartoon cat for the last two days.
I think I should take a month or two off for a workshop. Have a reward.
I think I will not write a play now if I continue working there.
Tonight my friend brought me a bag within which were $4000 worth of amazing shoes. She's been working for a shoe advertising company since she graduated college a year ago. I am the new owner of a wardrobe of the most fantastic shoes I now desire a wardrobe of clothes to accompany.
Not for nothing the work guy, don't get me wrong. (I want him to see some of these shoes on me - with sex comes the absolutely most unuseful kind of thinking!)
He would ask me about my writing when he did re-organize his plans enough to see me. Shortly after asking he encouraged me to take the LSAT. It seemed he couldn't understand how I was so smart. When I told him that for early grammar school I atteneded PS 158, he said I was joking. I couldn't understand. I said "Why would I joke about that? What's the joke?" He told me stuff like theater and writing makes a better hobby and I told him, "Yes, I'm well aware."
It is this or law school. There is no way I'm going to law school without a boyfriend, hot and supportive. Sorry dudes, I don't know what wave of feminism that is - no wave I think, but that's where it's at on this cruise ship. (I'm a little high)
I am absolutly exhausted with thinking about myself to this degree and that's why I think the break from work is necessary, not frivolous. I also think I deserve it. Deserving is a funny thing. I don't deserve it more than Iraqi civilians with their lives torn apart or my cabbie just now who has only been in the country for one year and a half and had absolutely no idea how to get to my house. We spoke a little French.
But if I can possibly have it, I may as well to stop thinking about starting a family when the why and the how have yet to appear. And I can do it - somehow I am not from Algeria driving a cab, and dear god I know I'm not a genius. I actually insulted the playwright tonight when I met him, I think, telling him that I understood how he did the timeline so the character was actually alive when that character was dead - he said so immediately. I don't care. I just want to be creative since it's at all feasible, rather than be dressing up at work for the sake of nothing, well, like everything else for the sake of expression but it's pointless to express with your shoes to the financial whizzes who don't understand why people need to be different or, yeah, are addicted to cigarettes.
So sure, the boy has something to do with it. But only that, well mostly that, fuck his improv. Do you know how I understand theater? Do you know how you use it for a hobby? (ha ha -- I'm just pissed. Still all props to people who at least know they need to express themselves somehow. Just not this guy who's dissing me.)
And oh the theater people make me crazy. Truly - how they think you can just not have a job!!! But I just want a couple months. Please.
So that is my plea to get out of myself. I'm not making it twice, right?
love you
Alexis
I think I made a big decision. I think I will ask for a sabbatical from my job. I hope they don't laugh at me. But I want two months off and I want to go to acting workshops (especially movement!) at night and write in the day and then come back to my job when I freak out about money. There's no reason why not. Even if they won't take me back, I should be able to get back into the workforce. There're jobs aren't there?
I saw a play tonight.
Last week, at this time, I was having all eye-looking-into sex with the guy from work. The next day, I sent him some photos of the wedding weekend I'd gone to a weekend before. I haven't heard from him since then. But today I got to see him cuz I was working front desk ("got to" is sarcastic). I ignored him and he ignored me right back. Professional I suppose, polite.
I put that here begging you to think I'm saying that I want a sabbatical because I'm strung out over the guy and can't stand it.
Actually I want a sabbatical from thinking of my life in these terms as they've been for an age now.
I want to make up a character - I want to make up two and put them in a situation together. But my mind's both cluttered and closed, with my routine, and the narrow prescription I've put on being able to get liberated from it.
KFR may write me that I'm way off -- in a looney state.
I think I'm not, but I'm really scared to ask for the leave.
I have been reading the advice column of a cartoon cat for the last two days.
I think I should take a month or two off for a workshop. Have a reward.
I think I will not write a play now if I continue working there.
Tonight my friend brought me a bag within which were $4000 worth of amazing shoes. She's been working for a shoe advertising company since she graduated college a year ago. I am the new owner of a wardrobe of the most fantastic shoes I now desire a wardrobe of clothes to accompany.
Not for nothing the work guy, don't get me wrong. (I want him to see some of these shoes on me - with sex comes the absolutely most unuseful kind of thinking!)
He would ask me about my writing when he did re-organize his plans enough to see me. Shortly after asking he encouraged me to take the LSAT. It seemed he couldn't understand how I was so smart. When I told him that for early grammar school I atteneded PS 158, he said I was joking. I couldn't understand. I said "Why would I joke about that? What's the joke?" He told me stuff like theater and writing makes a better hobby and I told him, "Yes, I'm well aware."
It is this or law school. There is no way I'm going to law school without a boyfriend, hot and supportive. Sorry dudes, I don't know what wave of feminism that is - no wave I think, but that's where it's at on this cruise ship. (I'm a little high)
I am absolutly exhausted with thinking about myself to this degree and that's why I think the break from work is necessary, not frivolous. I also think I deserve it. Deserving is a funny thing. I don't deserve it more than Iraqi civilians with their lives torn apart or my cabbie just now who has only been in the country for one year and a half and had absolutely no idea how to get to my house. We spoke a little French.
But if I can possibly have it, I may as well to stop thinking about starting a family when the why and the how have yet to appear. And I can do it - somehow I am not from Algeria driving a cab, and dear god I know I'm not a genius. I actually insulted the playwright tonight when I met him, I think, telling him that I understood how he did the timeline so the character was actually alive when that character was dead - he said so immediately. I don't care. I just want to be creative since it's at all feasible, rather than be dressing up at work for the sake of nothing, well, like everything else for the sake of expression but it's pointless to express with your shoes to the financial whizzes who don't understand why people need to be different or, yeah, are addicted to cigarettes.
So sure, the boy has something to do with it. But only that, well mostly that, fuck his improv. Do you know how I understand theater? Do you know how you use it for a hobby? (ha ha -- I'm just pissed. Still all props to people who at least know they need to express themselves somehow. Just not this guy who's dissing me.)
And oh the theater people make me crazy. Truly - how they think you can just not have a job!!! But I just want a couple months. Please.
So that is my plea to get out of myself. I'm not making it twice, right?
love you
Alexis
Monday, July 28, 2008
I have dozens of thoughts
Did you ever get a bug bite on top of a bruise? I think the bug went for it cuz there was blood all spread around under the surface there like a party.
Does loving to sleep make you depressed or can you just love to sleep?
I like to hang out with boys. Other times, I resent how they are stupid. For hanging out, they make me laugh. More on this sometime when I care.
Fashion on the subway this morning very bad aside from one tatooed girl. Other than her, very bad.
People and ideas. Civilization. People and their ideas -- they don't bother thinking about what will happen. America -- interesting idea. Made us all weird and into success and having our own houses and weekends and stuff. I don't think the founding fathers thought about weekends and VCRs and toys for the kids and this whole nuclear family thing but it's a thing hunh? Is anuybody thinking about what's happened because of these fucking blackberries by the way?
Not that committed to making a lot of sense on here this morning.
XOXOX
Alexis
Does loving to sleep make you depressed or can you just love to sleep?
I like to hang out with boys. Other times, I resent how they are stupid. For hanging out, they make me laugh. More on this sometime when I care.
Fashion on the subway this morning very bad aside from one tatooed girl. Other than her, very bad.
People and ideas. Civilization. People and their ideas -- they don't bother thinking about what will happen. America -- interesting idea. Made us all weird and into success and having our own houses and weekends and stuff. I don't think the founding fathers thought about weekends and VCRs and toys for the kids and this whole nuclear family thing but it's a thing hunh? Is anuybody thinking about what's happened because of these fucking blackberries by the way?
Not that committed to making a lot of sense on here this morning.
XOXOX
Alexis
Friday, July 25, 2008
Becasue I'm the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now - so hunt me, because I can take it
No... actaully Batman is those things.
Spoilers - nothing but spoilers here.
Okay, the best parts of this Batman:
1) The Batman's Jawline.
2) As in the last one, the Batmobile. Steals the show every time it seems to me. i'm cuckoo for the Batmobile. It makes me squeal.
3) Heath Ledger's performance
Why I love Batman above all superheros and also superhero movies: (I think most people do. Who compares? Do not say Spiderman because puh-lease, and sometimes you find someone who likes Superman - that's adorable and quaint but that's also patently wrong.)
Batman is so great, and it's particularly exemplified in the Dark Knight, because he, he and Gordon, he and Dent, he and this Morgan Freeman character "Fox", are continually trying to be clever, out-smart, get a step-ahead and failing - not just failing but actually making things much worse, resulting in innocent deaths and guilt that makes life, really, infinitely, harder for them. Interestingly, when characters go "villain" it's not because of guilt. We let Batman shoulder that, becasue Batman's whole deal is that he's the superhero of guilt, can take on more guilt than others -- since he's had a lot of it since back when his parents were shot -- thus he chooses to become Batman (see Batman Begins)- no, they turn villain when they are so hurt they want vengeance. The "good guys" in Batman are carrying wretched amounts of guilt - and they just continue trying in these second-hand-is-ticking scenarios to outsmart the evil mind (Joker Batman movies are the best because Joker is such a comprehensive "evil mind"), and they keep failing. It's so true to the largeness of the idea of a battle between good and evil, Batman is, with all the fuck-ups there-in and all the nice people getting killed. Like even when characters do stupid things, I'll take it because Batman movies are all about these weird moments when your character is tested and you're surprised by the weird result.
Like okay, they leave the 20 year cop w Joker w his handcuffs off. But I thought, well, okay, they figured this is the guy they can leave here -- and they only had two and half second to try to get to the oil-barrell warehouses and had to split up the rest of the force so i can forgive them a split-second best-they-could-do decision - he's not a hothead - so w/ less than 2 seconds, they thought, he's got all this experience and he would not let this guy get away.
But as it turned out -- Joker was a step ahead with the taunting and got under his skin.
I shoud stop - nerding out on Batman. I really want to see it again.
You can find me this morning searching the internet for how it is Commisioner Gordon isn't dead though -- I get the hoax, but I don't get how we saw Joker & his men, turn and shoot at the mayor, and saw C. Gordon jump in the line of fire, and then a little while later he was totally fine. I guess it just grazed him. But since Batman only discovered seconds before that the officers were actaully tied up upstairs and the officers down below were actually joker & co. I don't understand where there was time for this conversation about faking Gordon's death. I guess after the grazing? I guess. I don't mind the story line but that wasn't fair how they wanted me to accept a reversal of what I'd seen without any flashback or anything at all. I'm the most prone to go along with crazy Batman shit of anyone but I just didn't get that which is a bad sign.
Also I thought it was hard to accept so late in the story that Ramirez and that other officer had given up Dent and Rachel to Meroni. As I said, I love Batman the mostest because people aren't who you expect in the moments when their characters are tested but they really didn't show any of the conflict for this and just used it to explain the plot after the fact and that was weak. They should have worked on that to have a more near-perfect movie.
Heath Ledger was so good that it makes you sad. I know we all would have given him lots of massages - we all would have teamed up to give massages 24/7 - so he could get some rest and get his head clear - if we had known it was all so rough on him. Poor Christian Bale is so torn up about it, he apparently beat up his mom.
Spoilers - nothing but spoilers here.
Okay, the best parts of this Batman:
1) The Batman's Jawline.
2) As in the last one, the Batmobile. Steals the show every time it seems to me. i'm cuckoo for the Batmobile. It makes me squeal.
3) Heath Ledger's performance
Why I love Batman above all superheros and also superhero movies: (I think most people do. Who compares? Do not say Spiderman because puh-lease, and sometimes you find someone who likes Superman - that's adorable and quaint but that's also patently wrong.)
Batman is so great, and it's particularly exemplified in the Dark Knight, because he, he and Gordon, he and Dent, he and this Morgan Freeman character "Fox", are continually trying to be clever, out-smart, get a step-ahead and failing - not just failing but actually making things much worse, resulting in innocent deaths and guilt that makes life, really, infinitely, harder for them. Interestingly, when characters go "villain" it's not because of guilt. We let Batman shoulder that, becasue Batman's whole deal is that he's the superhero of guilt, can take on more guilt than others -- since he's had a lot of it since back when his parents were shot -- thus he chooses to become Batman (see Batman Begins)- no, they turn villain when they are so hurt they want vengeance. The "good guys" in Batman are carrying wretched amounts of guilt - and they just continue trying in these second-hand-is-ticking scenarios to outsmart the evil mind (Joker Batman movies are the best because Joker is such a comprehensive "evil mind"), and they keep failing. It's so true to the largeness of the idea of a battle between good and evil, Batman is, with all the fuck-ups there-in and all the nice people getting killed. Like even when characters do stupid things, I'll take it because Batman movies are all about these weird moments when your character is tested and you're surprised by the weird result.
Like okay, they leave the 20 year cop w Joker w his handcuffs off. But I thought, well, okay, they figured this is the guy they can leave here -- and they only had two and half second to try to get to the oil-barrell warehouses and had to split up the rest of the force so i can forgive them a split-second best-they-could-do decision - he's not a hothead - so w/ less than 2 seconds, they thought, he's got all this experience and he would not let this guy get away.
But as it turned out -- Joker was a step ahead with the taunting and got under his skin.
I shoud stop - nerding out on Batman. I really want to see it again.
You can find me this morning searching the internet for how it is Commisioner Gordon isn't dead though -- I get the hoax, but I don't get how we saw Joker & his men, turn and shoot at the mayor, and saw C. Gordon jump in the line of fire, and then a little while later he was totally fine. I guess it just grazed him. But since Batman only discovered seconds before that the officers were actaully tied up upstairs and the officers down below were actually joker & co. I don't understand where there was time for this conversation about faking Gordon's death. I guess after the grazing? I guess. I don't mind the story line but that wasn't fair how they wanted me to accept a reversal of what I'd seen without any flashback or anything at all. I'm the most prone to go along with crazy Batman shit of anyone but I just didn't get that which is a bad sign.
Also I thought it was hard to accept so late in the story that Ramirez and that other officer had given up Dent and Rachel to Meroni. As I said, I love Batman the mostest because people aren't who you expect in the moments when their characters are tested but they really didn't show any of the conflict for this and just used it to explain the plot after the fact and that was weak. They should have worked on that to have a more near-perfect movie.
Heath Ledger was so good that it makes you sad. I know we all would have given him lots of massages - we all would have teamed up to give massages 24/7 - so he could get some rest and get his head clear - if we had known it was all so rough on him. Poor Christian Bale is so torn up about it, he apparently beat up his mom.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
I have a sickness
and only Christian Bale is the cure.
I was "this close", very very extremely tip of the tongue close, today, to saying to the chinese lady next to me whose paper I was reading over her shoulder "Isn't he beautiful?" when I peeped his photo in there, but I stopped myself.
The other day this woman got on the train and she was completely shrouded including her eyes. A gauzy black ghost. She moved around a lot too.. checking out the map and things. I could not look away. Totally strange because in NYC, this drew more attention than anything else could have. Made me think why are we fighting these people in wars. We obviously have zero understanding of eachother. I could only stare, astonished. Then she floated off. I was relieved because it's weird staring at someone whose eyes you can't see.
I was "this close", very very extremely tip of the tongue close, today, to saying to the chinese lady next to me whose paper I was reading over her shoulder "Isn't he beautiful?" when I peeped his photo in there, but I stopped myself.
The other day this woman got on the train and she was completely shrouded including her eyes. A gauzy black ghost. She moved around a lot too.. checking out the map and things. I could not look away. Totally strange because in NYC, this drew more attention than anything else could have. Made me think why are we fighting these people in wars. We obviously have zero understanding of eachother. I could only stare, astonished. Then she floated off. I was relieved because it's weird staring at someone whose eyes you can't see.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
there was one
lady with great accessories - actually two different bags both of which I was significantly envying and yet she had a really awful dress on. (the subway report)
Too many G-damn people on 49th street and 6th avenue at 8:45am. (49th st. report)
I actually DID go out with someone else on Saturday and it was fab - we saw the Broadway musical I wanted to see. WP (work person) called,which disrupted my blow-him-off plan - which was based on him sending texts for me to "watch" - so he swung by the neighorood Sunday - and I told him it's probably gonna fade to black or something soon given that other people ask me what I want to do on Saturday nights and I'm most likely going to follow up on that. He took it in stride.
And then there's even more dating possibilites. Dating discussion is closed on this blog now for a while. I TCOB - there's stuff going on -- I'll complain when there's not and that is the status!
I was going to tell you some other stuff, like what I drank last night but now I'm going down to do front desk.
XO
I love you
Too many G-damn people on 49th street and 6th avenue at 8:45am. (49th st. report)
I actually DID go out with someone else on Saturday and it was fab - we saw the Broadway musical I wanted to see. WP (work person) called,which disrupted my blow-him-off plan - which was based on him sending texts for me to "watch" - so he swung by the neighorood Sunday - and I told him it's probably gonna fade to black or something soon given that other people ask me what I want to do on Saturday nights and I'm most likely going to follow up on that. He took it in stride.
And then there's even more dating possibilites. Dating discussion is closed on this blog now for a while. I TCOB - there's stuff going on -- I'll complain when there's not and that is the status!
I was going to tell you some other stuff, like what I drank last night but now I'm going down to do front desk.
XO
I love you
Thursday, July 10, 2008
From the elevator
Everyone's fave feature.
Me, looking pretty damn stylish today, holding a canada dry original sparkling seltzer water.
Kinda worse-for-wear maybe 60 year old somewhat jovial but also a little bit "sigh" man in light blue button down and slacks.
Man: What you need is a hypodermic full of scotch so you could drop in that soda and no one would be the wiser.
Glad to know we're on the same page you and me, old dude.
Me, looking pretty damn stylish today, holding a canada dry original sparkling seltzer water.
Kinda worse-for-wear maybe 60 year old somewhat jovial but also a little bit "sigh" man in light blue button down and slacks.
Man: What you need is a hypodermic full of scotch so you could drop in that soda and no one would be the wiser.
Glad to know we're on the same page you and me, old dude.
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