Thursday, September 29, 2011

This one I like because this year 1997/98 was so very tumultuous - the big one of big confrontation by the end. My senior year. I know it's Fall of my senior year from my tshirt and necklace and longer hair and watch and the yellow leaves through the kitchen window. - so I like this because this year was so tumultuous and things so remarkably bad between me and my mom that I don't remember what my relationship was like with the kids so much. But this picture shows me that Steph cracked me up and it seems like she liked to. I remember seeing my therapist after I'd moved out, before I went to college and telling him (he was very very good overall - I miss that guy and would shed some blood to have dinner with him these days [can you tell I'm having fierce life memory time?]but I can somehow never really get a number for him or figure out how to get in touch) I was worried for and wanted to be around for my siblings and he sort of shrugged it off. Fair enough - I got what he meant- I was going to college- was I really going to lose sleep over what was going on with these kids. But I do think I meant it. That's one of the really funny things about looking back at all the craziness and difficulties - I never can without also realizing, you change any of it, you don't get what you've got. Right? Life my friends. Anyway - this picture was a happy find. Steph and I both were like - oh look - we were friends! this is great!

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

My family bullshit scrapbook

Here is a picture of Madeline. She's at a dog show wearing a dog sweater and also a dog ponytail-holder. "Probably the best day of my life" -Madeline I thought I'd kick off with this.
This is from the day of my mother's wedding to my step-dad. That's my mom and her parents. This picture is hilarious because of my fake to the fakest smile. It was an extremely small ceremony and I was the only member of the wedding party, as it were. For the majority of the ceremony I covered my ears, which is well documented photographically. I also remember doing this. I was very grossed out by the vows. I remember the point where I covered my ears - they were saying something about "sharing bread". I had an aversion at his point in my life (I am five) to things being "mushy" and shared bread seemed LITERALLY mushy. As I told my sisters and brother when we looked at this, I think this is a case of me being five, and a whole day of ceremony/ celebration that was not about me. I knew not to actively misbehave but,flower girl or not, not about me, not too hot on the whole thing. Good thing I was still out of the loop on the whole moving to New Jersey thing.
Here's me and Grammy in Cape May. I sucked those fingers forever and I really don't know how I'd ever have learned left from right if it weren't for being compelled to suck on my left hand. I can still feel which hand it is. Freud? Freud and whoever has something to say about sides of the brain? Anyway, I am trying to distract my grandmother from the story at hand with this weirdo little doll. I am the same person I was when I was four!
What an independent child! This looks like creative bliss.
Me and grammy on the front porch. I was moved to rescue this photo because, ha, this is a great example of how I dressed as a teenager. I treasured that red velour thing.
This seems very quintessential as well. I will write more on it soon, expand this post. It got later than I meant it to before I could do this tonight. * The expansion. Everything about this photo is everything. Stephanie refers to herself at this and adjacent ages as "obese". She recently called me on what I have apparently *always* said to that which is "you are athletic". Funny. But that tweety bird bathing suit. That tweety bird bathing suit was what we were dealing with when trying to have anything but the worst thing when it came to attire. I mean, my mother only took me to shop at Kids R Us THROUGH 8th grade. Which is what my interesting style - well illustrated in this pic, was borne of. It was a happy revelation that I could make something of shorts and a white t-shirt and children's barrettes. Me and the mid nineties - we got along - I could work with what they were pitching. The pose Steph's doing, with the pursed lips and the hand doing that thing - this is a pose she affected for many pictures. I also don't think it's for nothing that she has put her arm around my mother who is looking off at the baby children. That's it folks. That is it. Amazing some photographs - I know that look of hers so well... nothing like the recognition you can acheive with a photograph. My mom - always sort of looking off disengaged with some thought. She likes to go away to where she goes like this. This is really her, man. this photo is amazing. The kids are so cute. I love how I'm just there in the middle of their mayhem looking at the camera. This is a truth photo my friends. I love it. And I love my teenage fashion if you didn't guess. I really do. Oh my, my youth. I don't feel older! XO

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Status updates

you can't post to facebook: * Staining my pillows with tears. Hey friends! You wouldn't know it, but I find single and 30 and a "writer", I have to defend myself to my family every time I see them like I'm still a kid at home. And of course it is only because they are concerned about me! I am pretty sure I have an ulcer! Yeah, for real! I bet all of you who are married, or even in a good-looking relationship or hold a paying job that you can get behind do not have to do this! I think about this pretty often- how you're probably treated as adults by now, while I cry like crazy like I'm 16 after my family grills me and then grills me about why I don't seem to like the grilling! Maybe I can find somewhere to give me a residency to clean up this blog into sections and try to make it actually visitable by people, and like interactive sort of --- like buildable-upon by subject matter. But probably I can't and I'll be alone forever, unemployable, unmatriculated, and a source of concern to family members until their death or mine. I should soon start analysis and I know the analyst doesn't do much talking but we are going to have to talk about how to stop my family because I know they are trying to be nice and it's well intentioned. Believe me I know that. But it has to stop. I need to be treated like an adult. It kills me more than I realize. I seriously seem to have an ulcer, and I don't even know how upset I am until I am literally crying my eyes out (at least my lenses). It isn't fair. I can't answer for myself every time I see them.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Internet addiction

Delivery.com asks if I love my order so much I can't contain myself - do I want to share on facebook? I think about it because my order has Lox. Am I Jewish? I am as a matter of fact.

Yes

The altered-to-deadly-sexy version of Aaron Sorkin hitting on me in the kitchen of his theater in my dream last night complimented me on how well I opened a bottle of wine. Pretty much says it all. * Google is doing its very best to force me to link my gmail and yahoo accounts and I refuse on the basis of not trusting this kind of pressure. What about in an "emergency?" they ask.What if my email accounts weren't linked? Well, I wouldn't be able to get on the blog if I had gmail on. In an emergency, you might not have this blog.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

I cut this straight off someone's Ok Cupid Profile

The most private thing I’m willing to admit There's not much I won't admit to...I stayed a virgin until marriage (yeah, that was a huge miscalculation) so I'm no all-star in the sack. And I don't work out. So if my tongue and modest penis don't do it for you, fuck someone else.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

pinot noir

for all that you are

wine

every time
Time back in Pennington
The car with Stephanie
gearing up
to watch over this trainwreck
as we look forward through some forming tunnel vision
to eventualities
we turn, you should never define,

we exhume what's annoying
how annoying
to gird
to take care somehow anyway

and Ms. Medical Doctor
will be in it with me

and Ben
will do a year at Michigan
hopefully.
He cares about the family.

and I will make a movie in Italy with Madeline.

well

I wanted to be scanning photographs to here, then I'd long-caption; it's the proto-type for my book idea: "My family bullshit Scrapbook".

But I lost the install cd and the hp website is INCREDIBLY ANNOYING. Where is the actual download? Why won't it let me have it?

Do you know the Jil Scott song "One is the magic number"? What a song.

More soon.